MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

So would you say it is just over 60’s that get a free pass to be rude, selfish and inconsiderate of other people’s lives or is it the status of grandmother?

Arriving over 2 hours early is very unreasonable.

But I do think you didn’t plan the day very well. She would not have felt welcome or valued. Your meeting over running was unfortunate. I think starting work before 10.30am that day to have ensured a prompt finish would have been better. And if you took the dogs out for a walk for 30 minutes and she left at 5.30pm you won’t have seen her much at all. I suspect you felt annoyed with her arriving early. I would have too. But she obviously sensed that.

And it seems as though DS1 didn’t even know his grandmother was visiting (I agree I would not have woken him early but I think I would have woken him at lunchtime).

DS2 could have made his grandmother a cup of tea or coffee. I have a similar aged DS. I would be very disappointed if his nana arrived at our house when I was working and he didn’t offer her a drink and stay and chat. His work was apparently done in an hour or so. It could have waited.

None of this excuses her very early arrival. It seems as though you were so annoyed with her about that that she was made to feel unwelcome.

We don't know how old she is, how far she travelled (or how), how often you see her, or whether she is generally pleasant and helpful and good company.

From what you have said, I think there was fault on both sides.

OP, none of you were BU. MIL was VU having turned up over 2 hours early.

Your DH response needs to be - this is why we told you that we were not free until after 2.30pm

Of course you’re not. I think people don’t take it seriously that wfh actually means you’re working. I’ve had friends and family drop in during my working day expecting me to be able to just close my laptop for an hour. If you’d been working in the office, she wouldn’t have been able to even get in the house. Outline what you’ve said in this post, in a message to her in a none confrontational way then draw a line under it.

Entirely MILs fault and why on earth she thinks she can dictate everyone’s schedule beggars belief.

response from DH should be be ‘sorry you were disappointed Mum but we did make clear we would be working til 2:30 and the kids may be otherwise occupied. We’d sorted dinner but you chose to leave at 5:30. Are we still on for next Sunday?’

Nope, life keeps turning. That’s why you respond ‘Yes, well that’s exactly the reason why we are soliciting instructed you come at 2.30pm, to avoid these issues, so we are baffled why you turned up at 12pm when this would be the result?’.

Do you think she is showing signs of dementia and forgot? If not she is very rude!

My mum or dad will often arrive before I finish work on a Friday but am WFH. Both understand that I don’t finish until 6 so they will have to hang out or potter. They are fine with that. We did go through a phase of my mum especially phoning me in the middle of the day for a chat and me having to say that I was WFH, but once that boundary was established it has held fast.

I would however always offer them a drink before disappearing.

If she had arrived when expected none of this would be a problem. Getting huffy and refusing dinner is cutting off her nose to spite her face.

No it's not a culture thing! I'm English. None of these things would have happened in my childhood home or my home when my kids were that age or my home now. I would however have asked the visitor why they turned up hours before they were expected and explained (several times if necessary, until they understood) why we had made the arrangement for that time.

Try reading and you will see that we do know how old she is, how far she travelled, how often they see her.

By reading you would also understand why OP couldn’t start work earlier and know she was invited for dinner.

There is just so much wrong in your post.

Have you read any of OPs replies. 🤦‍♀️

This. I could be the MIL in this scenario, except I am a lot older. DDIL and DS regularly work from home, teenage DGC might be around, but I wouldn’t expect attention as soon as I arrive. I know how to get myself a drink, and would even make one for DDIL!

If they had said they were working, and I arrived before they were finished, that’s on me.

We can’t step out to entertain guests

You describe your MIL as a guest and it seems she feels like a guest as well.

I would hope my mum and mil feel that my home is also their home and make themselves a cup of tea, lunch etc- maybe also make us lunch too while she's at it😀

God my dad does this, just trots in my house around 2/2.30 at least once a week waiting to say hello to my son who comes in from school at 3.20ish.
My husband tries to talk to him and work and I am sometimes there to make him a cuppa.
One day I had stuff to sew for an event I had coming up and thought sod it, you can sit in the sitting room whilst I work at the kitchen table.
He seemed a bit put out and awkward wondering why everyone was ignoring him...funnily enough he doesn't do it anymore!

Our dogs need their walks. They were already confused about being walked together which I did to be away less time. They were walked later on as well. They expect certain standards.
so do guests

So OP was supposed to leave her work and make him a bacon sarnie?

Classic case of not taking women who WFH seriously.

Neither OP nor her children were remotely unreasonable.

It wasn't a "family visit" - the sons weren't involved in the arrangements nor expected to be present, and the OP told her MIL this in advance. So they're not obliged to drop their own plans (whether schoolwork or hangover) at all.

Even if you argue that one of the sons should have sacked off his important work or the other one should have woken up or the OP should have walked the dogs later, none of what they actually did is anywhere near as rude as 1) arriving 2.5 hours early, 2) having the audacity to huff about your hosts' behaviour in light of that via text afterwards, despite the actual afternoon passing pleasantly.

So do hosts, which is that guests should turn up on time.

Guest? She is a family member popping by on a weekday afternoon. She doesn't need hosting.

The son who was conscious at the time stepped up with his schoolwork, which has a good deal more important than catering to someone who's arrive 2.5 hours early and can entertain themselves.

YANBU but this did sound like a terrible day for a visit!

I think this needs nipping in the bud. Either don’t invite her for half days, now you know that she won’t respect times and thinks you can dip in and out of work, or just be clear at the time of the invitation that she’ll have to fend for herself until you both finish work.

If she’s not normally a pain in the arse, I suspect this is coming from a place of disappointment and/ or not understanding how demanding your jobs are. Maybe she also feels as though she’s last in line for some attention! So maybe your DH could have a think about prioritising her a bit more in other respects (calls etc).

If she does have form for being a pain, I’d just reply saying “OK noted, probably best if you don’t visit in the week again- understood.”

She's clearly being unreasonable in turning up so early and doesn't seem to comprehend wfh. What if you weren't wfh and were in an office until 2.30pm? Would she still have turned up early, expected you to leave the office to make her a cuppa and then go back?

None of you did anything wrong. I’d be tempted to tell the silly bat to do one but I suppose you want to maintain a relationship so a breezy “Well that’s why we told you 2.30, silly!” would probably be more
politic.

Or perhaps “MIL we’re really concerned actually. We clearly told you 2.30pm, don’t you remember? Is this forgetting stuff a recent thing? Would you like one of us to make you a GP appointment?”

She clearly did, because she knew she could help herself to tea and coffee but didn't.

I think she should have arrived at the organised time, that being said, she got there early.

I think someone could have quickly made her a drink, you're surely able to have toilet breaks? It's just manners to make your guest feel welcome.

The child that just got in from college could have surely stayed downstairs for a bit longer, the child asleep probably didn't know what day it was 🙈

You don't seem to be taking the negative perspective well.... Is there a backstory, do you like her?

Then the culture you belong to treats their elders poorly and that’s really sad.