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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL situation after she arrived early

447 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · Today 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
GoldTie · Today 08:03

Just saw your comment OP that you see her at least every other week and she is only 20 miles away. So changed my mind to YANBU as it wasn’t a special 6 month visit or something.

2children3dogs · Today 08:04

I can't believe some of the replies here.
You said you were unavailable until 2.30. She turned up before that time. Her problem.
Honestly, the circumstances regarding why you were busy etc are nobody's business but yours, you don't need to justify yourself OP.

BaffledAndBemusedToo · Today 08:04

Luddite26 · Today 06:09

I don't think any of you did anything wrong.
I can't stand people who turn up early trying to push their own agenda. She could have stayed later with you and had dinner but chose not to.
I don't think any of you did anything wrong.
I think she's been very rude.
Has she a record of being like this cos I wouldn't be bothering again. Older/adult kids don't have to act like children who need parental supervision when someone calls at your house it's not the 1950s.
Let husband sort it out. I wouldn't be putting myself out (wasting an afternoon off on her) again.💐

I agree with this.
I cannot stand it when people assume their time is far more important than yours, and either turn up really early or late. It’s disrespectful at minimum. To create drama on top because you didn’t then bend to her will is the cherry on the top.

BCBird · Today 08:05

Get your husband to deal with his mother

MachineBee · Today 08:05

OP - you are definitely not being unreasonable. I did WFH for over 20 years and my Dad in particular (especially in the early years) never got his head around it. He turned up once for coffee when I was in the middle of a rather tricky negotiation with one of the big newspapers (I worked in marketing and PR - something else he didn’t understand) and he was astonished.

Your MIL is the rude and unreasonable one here. She could have arrived on time for a start! Or if it was impossible to avoid being so early, could have done some jobs for you, made everyone a drink, walked the dogs, done some light gardening. Or just read a book, watched TV or scrolled on her phone. Even popped out to get cake and biscuits!

Your DH needs to have a word with her.

overnightangel · Today 08:05

Maraudingmarauders · Today 05:11

I think 6 of one, half a dozen of another.
She shouldn’t have turned up early. That’s basic. You weren’t free until 2.30 which she knew. That’s on her and she should be reminded of that. your work over running - can’t be helped although if I’d taken annual leave I’d have been firm about leaving on time personally, because I think boundaries are important.
Your youngest could have stayed with his nan for longer, especially given she was early and you both were working. It would have been polite for him to make her a drink and hang around until one of you had finished and come down. It would have been nice to have stayed longer and done his work later but if he didn’t know what time she was leaving I can understand him not wanting to delay indefinitely. Your eldest presumably knew his Nan was visiting that afternoon and should have got out of bed. Even if he got in at 5am he would have had 6-7hours sleep by that point and he’s a student, he’s used to working in much less. I think staying in is room was rude. He should have stuck his head round the door and said “oh gosh you’re early Nan, let me shower and sort myself out and I’ll be down” and then spent some time with her. Walking the dogs depends on the dogs. If they’re going to mither because they’re walked at 4pm in the dot every day we’d take them out to save the agro but otherwise they could have waited. I think a lot could have been helped by communication - “mom are you staying for a while after dinner as we need to walk the dogs at some point, so just need to decide when is best?” - we always have conversations like that when people are visiting. But equally I don’t think leaving DH with his mom for 30mins is rude but I suppose added to the rest and I can see why she felt like an after thought squeezed in.
Mostly I’d get DH to point out that you’d both taken time off work to see her, but that she’d arrived 2 hours early and why was that? It threw everyone off their schedules and caused some confusion as everyone had expected her to arrive and then stay later to have more quality time together once the chores were done.

No. Just no.

Shinyandnew1 · Today 08:07

So have you or he challenged her on arriving 2.5 hours early?

rookiemere · Today 08:08

YANBU and nor are your DC. The youngest had homework to do and the oldest was sleeping, although I think some have said he should get up because they disapprove of drinking and sleeping during the day. She’s mid 60s FGS not some poor old dear in her 80s.

My DPs started pulling this stunt, but at least they were a decade or so older. We lived an hour away so they always came to stay for at least one night. I would ask them to come Saturday afternoon because we worked during the week and this at least gave me Saturday morning for errands, cleaning and parkrun and they would rock up at 11am expecting lunch at 12.30. No great solution, Covid and increasing infirmity stopped them visiting in the end.

Bestfootforward11 · Today 08:08

No you didn’t do anything wrong. She arrived 2.5 hours early by choice. Unless there are mobility issues of some kind, she could’ve made herself a cup of tea etc. You were working. Try not to get het about it as she clearly doesn’t get that WFH is working and certain jobs/parts of the day are not ones where you can opt out.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · Today 08:09

She could have made herself a cup of tea. The remark about 'nobody made me a drink' makes her sound like a spoiled Princess.

If you turn up early you take us as you find us. Tough.

Summer26woohoo · Today 08:09

Two thirty does not sounds remotely like half twelve

Don't be obtuse. Two thirty DOES sound reasonably like twelve thirty - it's certainly not unthinkable that it was misheard.

Either way, I wouldn't engage in it becoming a drama op...just say to MIL oh I'm sorry you felt that way, I said 2.30 because I knew we were all busy until then. Then leave her sulk. Just remember for next time, so you can stress the time and clearly mention you won't be free until X.

disturbia · Today 08:09

DrivingHomeToYou · Today 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Who does she think she is? Entitled or what? Just tell what you have told us and only allow weekend visits in future

wendlene · Today 08:09

My parents (in their 80s) have no concept of working from home - they basically think it's a day off and we can do want we want. They won't phone me if I'm in work, but if they know I am wfh then the calls will come. My adult son WFH all the time and they really can't get their heads around that he is working, not just sat at his laptop.

Bishbashbush · Today 08:09

YANBU. It sounds like you have a busy household and yet you still made accommodations for your MIL to visit during a working day. You’re kinder than I am as it would have been a straight “not today” from me. I avoid visitors during the week as I know I don’t have time for them. I’m assuming your MIL has enough life experience to have been able to read the situation so it’s unreasonable for her to be in the huff.

DancelikeFredAstaire · Today 08:10

YANBU, the woman was rude to turn up over 2 hours early then whine about being left to her own devices. As for the PP's saying your youngest was in the wrong for doing homework instead of sitting with her, well if the bloody woman had turned up on time then it wouldn't have been as issue would it? so not his fault.

Katalica · Today 08:11

I’m in my 60’s and I think your MIL was very rude to turn up over 2 hours early and then expect to have everyone’s attention. She could easily have entertained herself and sat quietly not disturbing others.

I also think your DH needs to very firmly convey to her that she was unreasonably demanding as you were both working. Point out that if you’d been working elsewhere she wouldn’t be able to just pop in on a whim. Don’t let her get away with this nonsense as she’ll likely do it again.

Next time tell her no visits unless it’s the weekend.

QueenCamillaMW · Today 08:11

It's entirely her fault for arriving so early and then sitting there seething for hours.

SomedayYouWill · Today 08:11

YANBU OP.

People need to read the OPs replies. Most of the questions being asked have been answered and wrong assumptions are being made.

ItsNotMeEither · Today 08:12

You've done a lot of justifying for yourself and the whole family, none of which you need to do!

This is on her for turning up early.

Short text, sorry you felt that way, but we did warn you we would be working until at least 2:30. Don't engage in any further discussion of it.

Going forward, you've got 2 options.

  1. Invite her on a work day, greet her at the door, tell her to pop the kettle on and let her know how you and DH like your coffee.
  2. Only invite her after hours or on the weekend. Personally, I'd go with after hours, so the visit can't go too long.
IF you and DH book an afternoon off together again, don't tell her.
TheOccupier · Today 08:13

"Shirley, we said come after 2.30! We were always going to be busy before then. It was lovely seeing you - come again soon! X"

BeEagerRubyBird · Today 08:18

ThisOliveKoala · Today 05:52

Your children aren’t the most polite imo, I can imagine if my mum turns up early to my home. I wfh I can step away for a few minutes to make her a cup of tea.

As children there is no way we would have stayed in our room whilst our grandmother sat downstairs twiddling her thumbs.

Then again I’m not British so maybe it’s a culture thing. In my culture what happened to your MIL is extremely rude and would never happen. Yes she came a couple of hours early and so?

It depends what your job is - not all wfh is the same. Sometimes you might be on back to back calls with colleagues and managers so no you can't step away to make tea and chat for a few mins. In other jobs you might be handling a live, even emergency situation. You can't assume that because you wfh and you can do that, everyone can.

MyArtfulGreySloth · Today 08:19

She’s a knob.

Shedmistress · Today 08:21

Summer26woohoo · Today 08:09

Two thirty does not sounds remotely like half twelve

Don't be obtuse. Two thirty DOES sound reasonably like twelve thirty - it's certainly not unthinkable that it was misheard.

Either way, I wouldn't engage in it becoming a drama op...just say to MIL oh I'm sorry you felt that way, I said 2.30 because I knew we were all busy until then. Then leave her sulk. Just remember for next time, so you can stress the time and clearly mention you won't be free until X.

Two and twelve are completely different words.

It is why we teach small children what they both mean.

TheBlueKoala · Today 08:22

@DrivingHomeToYou YANBU. And most posters agree with you that Mil is rude and entitled. I can't believe the posters who say you and your children were at fault! It must be sahms who don't understand the concept of working from home.

sugarapplelane · Today 08:22

Your MIL was too early so she needs to understand this. I would politely point this out to her so that she knows not to do it again or she’ll get the same treatment.

I hate people being late, but people who are hours early are just as insufferable.