MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Course I do. But I doubt that this wascot.

This was my mum's game for a while. Drove me nuts and we ended up falling out over it big time. I got the whole 'I'm obviously not welcome' crying routine too. She was welcome, but like you, I also had to work. She then switched to different games. The 'refusing to cross my threshold without a formal invitation to come in' game went on for a long time. The next game was whenever I expressed an opinion on something, she'd do the exact opposite, even if it was stupid. So I just got my brother to ask her instead because she will fall over herself to do anything he wants. We're now in the refusing to come round at all or even phone stage of the game, all whilst sobbing how much she misses me. It's exhausting.

@DrivingHomeToYou
I'd have told her that she was too early and that I still have work in/from my home office to do?
Because for some of us its now how we earn our wage as if we were going out to the city but instead we work hard from our own homes

So the same office rules will still apply
Hopefully with as few interruptions as possible........

😂

I don't think it is overly formal to agree an arrival time if someone is visiting? In fact, if i was going to visit a friend for the day, and they said, "oh, it's informal, arrive any time!" I'd pin them down for a time, or at least a time to arrive after. Likewise, if a friend was visiting, and they said, "oh, no need to be formal, we will just arrive whenever we feel like it!" I'd feel a bit flummoxed.
I don't think I'm unusual in that.

Probably because they wouldn’t get in as they’d all be at work or someone who didn’t work and never left the house was there to pander to them and was desperate for company.

Times change.

A home with two parents working ft, a son who is at university and one who is working to get there isn’t a dysfunctional household.

Congratulations to you all.
Yes, indeed , some women dislike their MIL and sometimes most unreasonably.
I think it’s most dislikable to sneakily attack your MIL by posting a one-sided story on MN.

Both my parents worked full time and I was at school and did loads of extra curricular stuff but we could still give someone a cup of tea. In fact, we often entertained. Maybe people are less sociable now. Nobody goes down the pub anymore, do they. I just dont understand why you'd have to go and lie down in a darkened room for a week with a sack full of of paracetamol if you had to.put a teabag in a cup..

This may blow your mind, but even people who are not the CEO of Shell Oil sometimes have meetings or interviews that can't just be wandered out of because they need to make a cup of tea for someone.
I think some people on here have never had (or been able to hold down?) a job. A lot of posters just don't seem to get how meetings and interviews work. Even for those of us who are lowly and not CEOs.

And would your parents have left a meeting with their boss to entertain private visitors at their place of work? Because that is the equivalent for people are working from home.

She did know she was early as she had planned to go shopping and couldn’t be bothered waiting in the queue for the car park.

Again, do you understand about meetings? Or interviews?
Working at home on a project you're writing/designing/whatever on your own: sure, you could probably take five minutes to make someone a cup of tea.
In a meeting/interview with other people: slightly more problematic.

Do you mean she’s gasping for a cup of tea? Why would she be doing that?

She was very rude to show up hours early and expect you to drop everything for her.

There is no way she thought that you would continue working.

I would stay firm tbh. We said after 230 and you chose to come hours earlier. Thats on you.

Exactly! Mil could have put a teabag in a cup without it resulting in having to lie in a darkened room for a week with a sackful of paracetamol. You’ve finally posted something that makes sense!

The only explanation I can see for her being so early is she has no clue re your work hours and roles and thought half day holiday was just that and you’d be finishing up. So despite being told come after 2.30pm thought it won’t matter.
If she’s never worked and perhaps FIL had a 8-4 clock off type job she may just have no concept.
Not excusing her behaviour but it’s only explanation I can think of.

OP most of these responders are goading you for some nasty reason. You've continually repeated yourself over and over. You're MIL is a petty selfish drama queen individual.

could be any of:

-Sudden freezing of her legs and hands
-Kettle and teabags locked in the safe
-House is a complex maze and route to kitchen is unknown
-To prove a point that she wants to be waited on despite everyone being busy

No. She was the guest.

Why would they start earlier? They organised a time that suited them and fitted around work so they could spend the afternoon with MIL. MIL decided to turn up early! This is on her.
I can’t believe how many people are siding with the MIL.

How can she be 65 and never worked? We are not the generation that didn’t do a day’s work after leaving school. If she really has never worked I can only imagine she’s had a very pampered life by her parents and then her husband.

What a weird bunch of comments. I go down the pub regularly.
No one is saying the OP would have a physical or emotional problem making tea for her MIL per se. Just that she can't do it when she's in the middle of interviewing someone.

I think it’s just a very vocal minority who keep repeating themselves over and over again and getting in to arguments (hmmmm like the MIL?) 93% still think OP is being reasonable here so most agree with her - it nearly unanimous…

You’d think if someone had such a rigid view of social rules as this, then they wouldn’t absolutely violate the “don’t arrive massively early when you’ve been told we’re busy” rule too.

I wonder if you mentioning lunch confused her re the timings. I wouldn’t invite anyone for lunch at 2.30. If she is married it would be odd to have her for dinner and not her husband. Are you trying to see her too often? I would cut it down if she doesn’t understand working from home and arrange to meet her somewhere not in your house at a particular time in future maybe a café or park.