MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Is she not capable of putting a teabag in a cup? She’s at her son’s home, no one should be standing on ceremony. Get in the kitchen and make yourself a cuppa like any other fully functioning grown woman in their son’s house would. She’s not that helpless is she?

That’s what I pointed out. Your experience. Everyone has different experiences.

What has she done before when visiting

That’s what the forum is for.

Why would she be gasping though?

And where has that scenario been discussed?

Some people haven’t grasped that forums don’t tend to be from both sides of the story. Unless mil would like to pop on and give her side? 😂

Who was two and a half hours early!

I don’t get I hate MIL vibes from Op. It sounds like she and dh thought they had a nice chat and lunch with MIL and were bemused at her message.

MIL clearly doesn’t hate Op as she’s moaning she’s not seen enough of her. MIL had her son there all to herself whilst Op finished off interviews and walked the dogs.

I am 100% with you on this @DrivingHomeToYou on every aspect, kids, dogs, work, everything… I would have done exactly the same.

I worked from home for 25 years. When the kids were babies my mother would come over on the pretext of “babysitting” whilst I worked. It always turned out that she expected me to look after her whilst she bounced a baby on her knee. My job wasn’t seen as important as I’m a woman, wife and mother first. My job was seen as a bit of a distraction to do whenever I was bored.

Same with phone calls during the working day. She’d phone up for a chat or see if I’d been out shopping… No mother I’ve been working!!

Some people just choose not to get it. I really wished I’d had the conversation with her that your DH had with his mum.

She does owe you both an apology for the massive disrespect she’s shown you.

For the umpteenth time, if his parents didn’t tell him and didn’t wake him up (at 2-30 before anyone else starts getting obtuse about early arrival which is not relevant here) then the parents are rude and no surprise their sons turned out rude

I don’t know why you say that.
I would have thought the purpose was to seek advice/ help, not to solicit a hate-in without personal responsibility for a close family member.
After all, it’s clear in advance there are many posters eager to join in a MIL attack with belittling language. So it’s not exactly that the OP has much to lose.

OP's MiL is mid-60s, so not exactly old. I had my 80th birthday in the spring and wouldn't dream of acting so inconsiderately with our two children and their families. MiL arrived extremely early when her son and DiL were still working. The least she could do was look after herself until they were free at the arranged time. Just basic good manners in the middle of a busy work period involving other colleagues.

HE DID NOT GET OUT OF BED UNTIL 4-30

grandma was invited at 2-30.

he was still rude even if she’d arrived on time

I really don’t think your DC were rude, your eldest had good reason to be in bed so late, and god forbid a young person have some fun before going off to university!

Your youngest wanted to get their work done, fair enough. Sounds like they did stay around and chat for a while too. They weren’t expecting your MIL to be there when they got home.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong, you obviously can’t get up and leave an interview because it’s your clocking off time!

Hope you can move past it with your MIL!

Who comes on a busy work and school day? This cannot be the first time she has behaved like this. Sounds like one of those all-about-me narcissistic types

Nonsense. No employee would walk out of a work meeting or interview to make someone a cup of tea, especially if that person shouldn't even have been there during their working hours. You really don't seem to grasp that for responsible professionals working from home the working environment and rules are basically the same as if they were in the office.

But he had no idea she was there in the house. 7 or 8 hours sleep is normal.
I doubt he rolled out of bed and went down in his boxers. I imagine he woke up and showered and dressed. He then spends an hour with her. Would have been longer if she’d stayed for dinner as she was asked to.

Maybe because he’s similar age to my dd I feel really sorry for this lad being called rude.

My dd was working abroad last summer. She arrived home after a travel day of 50 hours (3 flights) and slept about 24 hours. My mum was here day after and dd was in bed. She came down later to see grandma and grandma was delighted to see her. I’d have been so cross if my mum had said dd was rude as she wasn’t at the door when grandma arrived.

I'm not British either but the grandma was rude first by showing up 2 hours earlier than they bag originally planned. When you agree to a time with someone and they tell you that they won't be available at all until that time it's rude to show up 2 whole hours early and expect people to be ready. If she had shown up at the time they all agreed then the youngest kid would have probably been done with their school work and would have been available along with everyone else. If she didn't want to sit alone twiddling her thumbs for two hours then she should have not shown up 2 hours early.

The youngest was trying to get his work done which is the responsible thing to do. And according to OP they visited with the grandma for a bit but then had to go upstairs to work. Again everyone not being ready isn't their fault, it's the grandma's fault for showing up early.

No. She was the guest

Actually, she wasn't the guest until 2.30pm when she was invited to come round. MIL decided to turn up early before the invitation time and that isn't polite and its not being a guest but an imposition

Tell that to the MiL, who could easily have done this while waiting for her son & DiL to finish the work they are paid to do.

@DayglobooWhilst I strongly suspect you have ill-intent on this thread, I will nonetheless ask would your parents have popped home from their full-time jobs or you from school, to put the kettle on for a guest you didn’t know was arriving?

You'd think from the number of posts supporting the MIL that it was a pretty even split on this thread, before noting that there are a very small (<7%) number of extremely highly invested and prolific posters.

She didn't get the attention she expected and threw a tantrum.

It also wouldn't have killed the MIL to show up at the agreed time instead of 2 hours early when she already knew no one would be ready. Being polite doesn't stop just because you're old.