MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

My family don’t live close by, but when they come to stay, or when my DH family come to stay, or pop over, if it’s when we are working etc they are comfortable and happy enough in our home (and vice versa) to look after themselves as well as us hosting them, especially when we’re all busy and working. I’m totally happy for them to come over because they don’t act like empress divas expecting to be entertained when we’re all busy working. This is WHY they’re welcome. As soon as we’re all free and not working, we spend lovely time together. In between times they get on with it and chill out and relax in the home. No drama. Lots of happiness.

Surely you understand that there are some jobs where you cannot just walk out of a meeting / interview?

Ok. So the husband agreed his mum could come over at a certain time as it suited him and his wife.

It didn’t suit the sons.

So if they wait until it suits four adults timetables, she would be invited less often as four people would have to be in agreement.

Do you think that would be better?

Less invites?

Ok , so perhaps I misunderstand the post.

It's a good job we work from home mum, otherwise you'd have been waiting on the doorstep for two hours. It's not acceptable to turn up when we are working and then complain that we are not making an effort with you. You are always welcome to come around, but we do have work and responsibilities in our life. We had organised for you to arrive at 2.30pm when I finished and dp sadly ran over in her work meeting so was admittedly late. next time lets arrange to go out somewhere and meet after work has finished, then we can really concentrate on conversation

Or, MIL could have turned up when she said she would.

He didn’t have a hangover he was asleep. Everyone is entitled to sleep. Just because his schedule is different doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I worked shifts as a student in holidays it suited me. He sounds like a really hardworking lad. He’s going back to uni having worked 60 hours a week which will be a great help to him financially.
I also don’t see how mil was hard done to in any way.
She sat in house and chatted to youngest a bit. Could have made herself a cup of tea/glass of water but chose not to.
Her son makes her lunch (bought food she likes) and they chat.
DIL joins them for lunch and chats. DIL isn’t there bang on 2.30pm due to interviews but she’s got DH her son there.
DIL pops out with dogs - my mil loves having DH 1-1 time.
Adult grandson spends hour with her and fixes her phone. It was nice he was there. He could easily have been working or at girlfriends.
They invite her to stay to dinner (it’s food bought with her in mind) and she declines and goes home.

Gosh it’s almost as if WFH is a modern day concept made possible by home computers. Not much of a chance for an afternoon knees up with Ethel if she was away at her job with nobody in the house. Or maybe the problem is those working wimmin, it was much better when all they were doing was some housework that could easily be postponed.

Or has a job where she gets paid for skiving.

Some mumsnetters enjoy slagging off other people's kids on here when the opportunity arises. I think it makes them feel 'better than' for a spell and that's why they do it. They wouldn't dare be so critical in person. It's a little online indulgence...a wee treat to themselves.
Personally, I think it's arrogant AF to tell an OP who their own kids are.

Your sons didn't do anything wrong. None of you did. I'm glad your dh was able to spell it out for your mil.

Exactly. What’s wrong with her that she can’t make a cup of tea?

The MIL is acting like she is the Queen of Sheba, IMO.

OP, you and your family did nothing wrong, but leave it to your DH to tell her!

I think DH has done right thing speaking to her to put her straight. And also didn’t put up with her victim nonsense. Hopefully you can all enjoy meal on Saturday. It’s nice you’ve planned a meal before he goes back to university and invited her to that.

Being early is generally rude but being 2.5 hours early is hugely so. Expecting everyone to drop everything, especially work, is just ridiculous.

Dh needs to tell her that she either got the arranged time wrong or doesn't understand that wfh means working.

As for the kids, why should your sons miss out of sleep or put off studying for her when she wasn't even supposed to be there?!

And why can't she make her own drink?!

She sounds like hard work.

You have to try and see this outwith your experience of being a MIL.

YANBU - some of the responses on here are batshit!

It was her choice to arrive 2.5 hours early despite being told you would be working until 2:30.

It’s not Lunar New Year in South Korea where children and grandchildren ceremoniously bow to their parents/grandparents. It’s turning up unexpectedly early on a working day in the week.

And I think a lot of people arent interested in older relatives unless there's something in it for them

I actually think many people are interested in older relatives, if the older relative handles the situation wisely

my father would see my dd2 about 3 times a week, he knew if he text her "sign for a drink at x place, if you fancy coming along it'd be great to see you" It would be during her early shift at work (he knew which shifts she worked and when) and he would be going along at a time after she finished work but would mean she would pop in on her way home.

nine times about of ten she would meet up with him, it was an easy half and hour or 45 minutes on the way home and it was a good fit. No pressure as he would be there anyway

dd was interested in him, they had a great relationship regardless of the 60 years between them

I can’t believe some of the responses on here. Your husband has handled it well. I work from home and lots of people simply have no concept that working from home means working and you just can’t ’do your own thing’. To say you booked annual leave and should have just said at 2:30pm - I’m off - is not the reality in any workplace I have worked in during my 40 working years. Your children are now young adults and gran also needs to adjust to them doing their own thing, it’s not as if she has just dropped in from Australia and they haven’t seen her for a long time.

Even in the East End, did people really have such a life of leisure they could just drop everything and do nothing all afternoon but nattering away with a cup of tea? Back in real life, even in the East End people had a life and things to do 😂

You off today?

@ArtieChoke This is really key , how the grandparent handles the relationship. My DM is a very loving grandmother but spends all her time lecturing her grandkids. They run from her now, I ensure they do spend some time with her but I don’t really enforce a huge amount

He did wake up then though, chatted to his Granny and fixed her phone.

We all look at things from within our perspective. One thing I’m sure about, it’s very odd to post about a family member like this. Surely the whole point of the post is self justification, so MIL is certain to look unreasonable.
One thing I do know from experience, this won’t have happened in isolation; there’s bound to be a lot of background. We only hear the curated angle.

But some people do dislike their MIL. I don’t. I love mine and I know my son’s fiancée loves me.

My son and her both wfh.

I would NEVER disturb them when they’re working.

It’s common courtesy not to.