MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Pretty good summation. Totally agree.

OK then, define a ‘shipshape household’…

Yes it’s quite normal if in meeting or training not to have a break.
DH sounds like he’s told mil he’s working and to make herself at home. Bizarre she didn’t.

For the umpteenth time, he didn't know she was coming and his parents chose to leave him to sleep. When he woke up, he spent an hour chatting with his grandma and sorted out a problem with her phone. Was he supposed to dance attendance on her all afternoon?

I am grandma visiting age and trust me would be delighted with two such hard working grandkids.
If MIL had turned up on time and the kids were lazing about, unwashed, didn’t speak to her, fair enough.
If I agree to meet a friend from work at 2.30 pm if I turned up two hours early I would not expect that friend to leave a meeting to make a cup of tea - it’s not allowed, and it’s not needed.
NONE of this would have happened if this woman had turned up when asked. Her son was ready for company, OP wasn’t far behind and both boys could have had dinner with her.
That’s it.
This family have done nothing wrong, nothing.
And I am the MIL and believe me when I turn up invited there’s often all sorts going on and I muck in.
This woman has made the whole thing about her.
It was one boy’s first day in Sixth Form which he was anxious about. Why not wait until dinner and ask him all about it?
Note to everyone who thinks we are doddery - we aren’t, although post 80 maybe we might be.
But these behaviours aren’t to do with age, or rude children, hosting or respect for elders they are to do with demanding people who create drama for nothing. Because they can and because they like to flounce off and win.
And by the way I might not be doddery but I have a significant disability (think wheels) and I am still happy to make myself a cup of tea.

Well, I would love to know what culture you’re talking about, though I’m sure we won’t be told.

Most cultures I’ve come across tend to be more reverential to grandparents than the British.

On the other hand, I find it quite insulting that you refer to British culture in such a patronising way.

I can only suggest you jog on back to your esteemed culture, where people are free to be rude to their grandparents if they feel like it.

Easy solution here: just come at the time that was agreed or if you must show up early, fend for yourself with a good grace! Adults and students have to prioritise their work within working hours. Young adults who work nights and have been at a pre-arranged work do are entitled to take their rest. He’s entitled to have friends and be young, fgs.

If I had a hangover and was in bed, you could ring the doorbell as much as you wan't, I wouldn't bother letting you in 😂.I didn't invite you, why should I

(wouldn't happen now with young kids, but the principle is the same!)

Why on earth should someone would work late, then had a bit of fun with friends be dragged out of bed because his diva grand-mother decided to intrude without being invited , and specifically told not to come until a certain time!

She KNEW she was not welcome, she decided to ignore it. I would absolutely leave my kid in bed.

Well I can't imagine what the psychology would be if it's not just a bit of thoughtlessness. She obviously thought she would be welcome or she wouldn't have done it. The only other explanation is that she knew she was early and didnt care , but that seems a bit of a stretch. If she thought that then she would also know that it might not be completely convenient, in which case, why is she so upset. I dont think a CF would get so upset.

"Most cultures I’ve come across tend to be more reverential to grandparents than the British."
"On the other hand, I find it quite insulting that you refer to British culture in such a patronising way."

which one is it then? at least pick one 😂

So what's the reason that OP's MIL can't put a teabag in a cup and boil a kettle.

Why on earth is the household clueless? OP and her DH have busy jobs, unlike OP's MIL who has never worked. She sounds lazy to me.

Sounds like a fairly normal British culture that ThePurpleShark is referring to. Not sure what your point is.

It sounds like your husband handled it really well and your FIL also see the situation for what it was.

Hopefully she will defrost between now and the meal on the weekend. Silly of her to have made such a fuss.

I would be very surprised to discover that @ThePurpleShark isn't British. I am and agree entirely with what she said here

I am glad I am in a culture where we teach children that they are not second-class citizens, that respect is earned and if grand-parents are disrespectful or inappropriate, they don't have to accept it.
We also teach them that school work and existing plans are important, and the polite thing is to respect others and their time.
Being old doesn't give you a free pass to become rude and entitled like the grand-mother is

She invited herself when she heard that OP and her DH had booked annual leave for the afternoon. They told her that she could come but they would be working until 2.30 pm. They bought food that she liked for lunch and dinner, but she stropped off without staying for dinner.

You are determined to make OP the bad guy for some reason.

Oh and the small fact of having a very important relative sat there gasping.

We were clear in telling her we wouldn’t be free til after 2.30. We told her to come after 2.30. She doesn’t seem to understand wfh. We have explained it many times.

Stop explaining it, it's falling on deaf ears. Show her instead, by upholding your boundaries.

If someone invited me to "come after 2.30pm because that's when we finish work", I'd turn up at about 3pm. Because nobody wants to finish work then instantly have to switch to being "on" for visitors. You want a toilet break, maybe a chance to freshen up or get changed, a quiet cuppa.

In your position I'd have ignored the front door and left her to realize her mistake in thinking it was ok to show up early. I wouldn't have known who was at the door and I wouldn't have cared, I was working and unavailable, would have been my mindset.

If she'd called or texted I'd have fired off a quick text just saying "we're at work until 2.30pm" then ignored anything further. You'd already told her you were unavailable until 2.30pm when arranging the visit, you should have shown her you meant it.

2 1/2 hrs is enough time for her to go do some errands/shopping or find a cafe to sit in, even if she had to call a taxi to take her there (if she didn't know the area and didn't drive). If she chose to sit in her car or in the door step for 2 1/2 hours, that's her choice and yiure not responsible for how it makes her feel.

Your sons did nothing wrong.

YANBU. MIL has main-character syndrome.

I'd reply to the latest text:

"Excuse me MIL, WTH?! DH and I had booked an afternoon off work to go out for a meal/take a long hike/have sex/sit around in our underwear picking fluff out of our belly-buttons and we gave up our plans FOR YOU because you wanted to visit! You were told we were unavailable until 2.30pm, it was rude of you to come over at 12pm knowing that, but we said nothing, not wanting to fall out with you. Fact is though, our lives don't revolve around you, you are not the center of our universe and we don't exist to wait on you hand and foot whilst you're visiting. You could have made yourself a cuppa, we made it clear that was ok... We are a working family and that includes the DC. One was sleeping after a long hard summer working, which culminated in a party. He was tired and hungover. The other had college work to do before he was free to spend the rest of the afternoon socialising. Neither DC was rude to you. You arranged to come and see DH and myself, you didn't ask either DC if your visit fitted in with their plans, so expecting them to be available at all is unreasonable of you, but still they both found time to chat with you anyway...I don't appreciate you texting to inform us of our supposed failings after we all put ourselves out to accommodate you. "

But then I have no problem falling out with people who take the piss. If they then absent themselves from my life I don't consider it any kind of a loss.

No more important than the rest of the family and equally able to make herself a cup of tea until her son and DiL had finished work. Stop trying to excuse her rudeness in arriving so far ahead of the arranged time for her own convenience. She was entirely in the wrong here.

She shouldn't have turned up early. Maybe she'll remember this the next time and turn up at the agreed time.
You don't have to justify yourself to a whole load of posters on here who are having a go at you.

No, I just think families seem overly invested in being up their own arses these days.. And I think a lot of people arent interested in older relatives unless there's something in it for them. There's a loss of community and kindness these days. People are so quick to blame relatives for having the audacity to take up a moment of their time. Maybe it is a reflection of how overstretched we've all become. I think it's sad. Just think of the old days in the East End for example......when people just used to turn up on each other's doorsteps . I can't imagine someone from back then sitting for 2 hours being ignored by their family without even a cup if tea.

Would you really truly just sit there and not fetch yourself a drink or make a cup of tea, if you’d arrived at a time when you weren’t invited, just because you think you should be “hosted” or something?

She’s familiar with the house, she’s a regular visitor, she’s family, she’s physically capable.

Or at all in fact.

‘gasping’ 🙄

Why are you being so nasty? Is that part of your culture too?

my MIL was rather rude to me in 2010, I didnt see her again until 2023, she'll have popped her clogs soon so hopefully I wont have to suffer her again