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MIL situation after she arrived early

674 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · Today 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
QueenCamillaMW · Today 15:33

BlackRowan · Today 14:56

That’s definitely cultural. Kids are not there to entertain their grandmother? Like she’s some nuisance and not a grandmother? Wow

In your culture it is the role of children to entertain older relatives???

Do they put on dance routines and comedy sketches for them?

Twilight7777 · Today 15:33

Definitely not unreasonable, she was the rude one for turning up 2.5 hours before agreed upon time. I disagree with the posters who say your sons should have been entertaining her, it’s not their job to facilitate her when she turned up early, both had reasons for not being there. I’d just send her the text showing the time you all agreed on and say, when we agreed on a time, that was non negotiable, and one like poster said, she wouldn’t turn up at your place of work if you worked outside of home.

NotAtMyAge · Today 15:34

Daygloboo · Today 15:30

I think we all know things are slightly different when people are working from home.

Why on earth should things be different? Our DD and SiL both work from home, as does DS about half the week. We wouldn't dream of even messaging them during working hours except in an emergency. They both live a long way from us in different directions, so visits are planned well in advance, which makes things easier all round.

SailingYachty · Today 15:34

I work from home exclusively and am often on back to back client calls, it would not be appreciated if I had to leave a training session for a few hundred people to make my MIL a cup of tea. I’d probably be fired!

Goodmorningeveryone26 · Today 15:34

DrivingHomeToYou · Today 11:14

93% that I’m not being unreasonable. Thank you!

Husband has spoken to his mum. He told her that as she turned up 2.5 hours early on a day she knew we were working and we had said the kids may not be free, that she should have looked after herself after being told to help herself to anything she fancies. He also said that she’s wrong to call our children rude when our oldest didn’t even know she was coming and our youngest had plans to do his work after his very important and stressful first day. He told her that if she can’t cope with me being a little late because my work ran over, our dogs needing walking regardless of who visits, and general life still continuing, then she will have to visit less often when we can put a couple of hours completely aside to formerly greet and host her. He said he found it offensive for her to say we made no effort when we spent the whole afternoon chatting to her, bought food in that she likes for lunch (and dinner that she didn’t even stay for), cooked lunch and generally waited on her from 2.30pm.

Her response was ‘well that’s me told’. He confirmed the time of the meal for our son at the weekend and she said ‘am I even wanted to be there’. He told her to stop trying to be the victim, that of course she is wanted, but that she has to be considerate to all of our lives.

He described her as frosty. He ended the conversation saying he had to start work and told her he loves her, so hopefully the meal will be ok.

His dad has messaged him to say that he heard the whole conversation and he doesn’t understand why she has done and said what she has and has told her she needs to apologise. I felt really sad as his dad wrote ‘please don’t fall out with us son’ at the end of his text. My husband said we wouldn’t but that his mum needs to be more considerate and realise we make loads of effort to see them even when we are really busy so it’s hurtful for his mum to say we made no effort.

sounds like your DH and his dad have handled this well. I wouldn’t worry about replying to all the posters saying your children are rude etc. you’ve explained everything well and clearly and your MIL will hopefully have a think and realise she’s being silly

outerspacepotato · Today 15:36

You made her feel like she was an inconvenience

She was an inconvenience. OP and her husband told her they would be working. It was her kid's first school day and he had work to do. The other was sleeping it off.

She got seen to when they were able to. She just expected them to stop everything to cater to her when she arrived rudely early and that's an absurd expectation when you're visiting a very busy working family on a school day. Then she had an obnoxious tantrum and in response, OP's husband has set boundaries around her visits. So now she just can't do the visits when it suits her and being an inconvenience. FAFO for her being a pain in the ass.

Eightfor15 · Today 15:37

Daygloboo · Today 14:10

Why on earth did you invite her if it was a day when you were all doing something else.

For fucks sake. She was invited for after they had fucking finished.

TallagallaPenguin · Today 15:41

Daygloboo · Today 15:23

Yeah but in a loving.family you wouldnt think that was a criminal offence, would you. Inconvenient, sure. But just being ignored and not even a cup of tea. Bit shabby.

If for some reason I really needed to turn up 2.5 hours early to a busy household of family members, I would make myself a cup of tea, and keep out of their way reading my book / phone / audiobook / telly etc till they were free. I wouldn’t sit there helplessly wondering why nobody was making me hot drinks and fuming quietly.

CuteOrangeElephant · Today 15:45

It's so clear how some people on here view working from home as not really working.

My mum tried similar once. Arrived two hours before the end of my work day expecting to be invited in for a cup of tea. I had to tell her sorry, I have a meeting. To her credit she has not tried to do this again.

BlackRowan · Today 15:46

Differentforgirls · Today 15:12

He didn't know she was coming as you would know if you had READ THE THREAD.

I’ve read the thread. His parents should have told him/should have woken him up
at 2-30/3 pm

Delatron · Today 15:47

BunnyLake · Today 15:10

Strange how some people can’t see this. It seems pretty obvious mil has a touch of the empress about her and was put out by the lack of fawning.

I always wonder if it’s because they have those qualities themselves or they were brought up around them that they can’t see them for what they are.

My Mum would never behave like this. This is why I was so shocked when my MIL did. It stands out a mile when it’s not a behaviour that is normal to
you. To be honest my DH has inherited a touch of her passive aggressive, martyrish behaviour and it’s really off-putting. Such awful qualities and he often doesn’t see it with her.

Floatlikeafeather2 · Today 15:47

PoppySeedBagelRedux · Today 13:24

If I’d been her, I would have made you and your husband cups of tea.

How would that have helped? They were both working and it's not appropriate for someone to be clonking in and out with cups of tea when you're in a meeting or, even worse, interviewing someone. That would have made mil even more in the wrong.

BlackRowan · Today 15:49

QueenCamillaMW · Today 15:33

In your culture it is the role of children to entertain older relatives???

Do they put on dance routines and comedy sketches for them?

They have to be respectful and polite and spend time with them when they come over, yes. Also congratulate them with birthdays and make time to visit them/ Hardly revolutionary.
not bothering to spend time with grandma when she visits is rude

JahanaraBegum · Today 15:50

Oh my god-- she turned up when you said you would all be busy then moaned you were busy. You were very patient to still do your best with her when she arrived. People are bonkers on here sometimes.

Eightfor15 · Today 15:52

BlackRowan · Today 14:40

Of course. He was not ill convalescing in bed. He was sleeping because he was pissed the night before. He should have gotten up and his parents should have woken him up.

and yes I’ve been drinking all night before and going to bed at 6 am in my life many many times

Still pissed now?

ThePurpleShark · Today 15:54

Daygloboo · Today 15:19

I dont know. Depends whether they invited me for diner or dinner. Ah ha ha ha ha.

I don't think you come across as witty as you think you are 😂

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · Today 15:56

But they did both spend time with her? 16 yr old chatted to her after school and elder one chatted for hour and fixed her phone.

Daygloboo · Today 15:57

dreamiesformolly · Today 15:32

No they're not. Not while the work in question is being carried out.

Not from what I hear when I ring up places.....dogs barking, children shouting, people having irrelevant conversations in the background.,......sounds like this household would fit right on in.

ThePurpleShark · Today 15:59

BlackRowan · Today 15:49

They have to be respectful and polite and spend time with them when they come over, yes. Also congratulate them with birthdays and make time to visit them/ Hardly revolutionary.
not bothering to spend time with grandma when she visits is rude

I am glad I am in a culture where we teach children that they are not second-class citizens, that respect is earned and if grand-parents are disrespectful or inappropriate, they don't have to accept it.

We also teach them that school work and existing plans are important, and the polite thing is to respect others and their time.

Being old doesn't give you a free pass to become rude and entitled like the grand-mother is

not bothering to spend time with grandma when she visits is rude
When it was not planned that she would come it's not rude, It's being busy.

If we don't want our kids to turn into in-laws from hell, it's never too early to teach them manners and what is acceptable behaviour

JamJar187 · Today 15:59

DrivingHomeToYou · Today 11:14

93% that I’m not being unreasonable. Thank you!

Husband has spoken to his mum. He told her that as she turned up 2.5 hours early on a day she knew we were working and we had said the kids may not be free, that she should have looked after herself after being told to help herself to anything she fancies. He also said that she’s wrong to call our children rude when our oldest didn’t even know she was coming and our youngest had plans to do his work after his very important and stressful first day. He told her that if she can’t cope with me being a little late because my work ran over, our dogs needing walking regardless of who visits, and general life still continuing, then she will have to visit less often when we can put a couple of hours completely aside to formerly greet and host her. He said he found it offensive for her to say we made no effort when we spent the whole afternoon chatting to her, bought food in that she likes for lunch (and dinner that she didn’t even stay for), cooked lunch and generally waited on her from 2.30pm.

Her response was ‘well that’s me told’. He confirmed the time of the meal for our son at the weekend and she said ‘am I even wanted to be there’. He told her to stop trying to be the victim, that of course she is wanted, but that she has to be considerate to all of our lives.

He described her as frosty. He ended the conversation saying he had to start work and told her he loves her, so hopefully the meal will be ok.

His dad has messaged him to say that he heard the whole conversation and he doesn’t understand why she has done and said what she has and has told her she needs to apologise. I felt really sad as his dad wrote ‘please don’t fall out with us son’ at the end of his text. My husband said we wouldn’t but that his mum needs to be more considerate and realise we make loads of effort to see them even when we are really busy so it’s hurtful for his mum to say we made no effort.

JFC.

Your MIL is out of order. What a horrible person she really is. I'd have told her to Eff-off and blocked her!!

OneNewEagle · Today 16:01

Yes you were all rude. Mil should have arrived at the agreed time. The grandkids should have spent time with their granny. You should not have walked the dogs until later.

CuteOrangeElephant · Today 16:03

I'm a bit confused when people say OP shouldn't have walked the dogs. MIL was going to stay for dinner so that means the dogs wouldn't have gone out til gone 7 o'clock? I don't know much about dogs but that seems like a long time.

BunnyLake · Today 16:04

Daygloboo · Today 15:30

I think we all know things are slightly different when people are working from home.

Can you explain how your working day from home is different then so that those who can’t just drop everything can understand your view better. When my son was working from home his work space was a no go area. When my sister stayed for a few days and had to wfh we closed the door on her room and didn’t disturb her, just like with my son. What is your own wfh job daygloboo?

Daygloboo · Today 16:05

Eightfor15 · Today 15:37

For fucks sake. She was invited for after they had fucking finished.

Keep your wig on dear.

BunnyLake · Today 16:07

ThePurpleShark · Today 15:59

I am glad I am in a culture where we teach children that they are not second-class citizens, that respect is earned and if grand-parents are disrespectful or inappropriate, they don't have to accept it.

We also teach them that school work and existing plans are important, and the polite thing is to respect others and their time.

Being old doesn't give you a free pass to become rude and entitled like the grand-mother is

not bothering to spend time with grandma when she visits is rude
When it was not planned that she would come it's not rude, It's being busy.

If we don't want our kids to turn into in-laws from hell, it's never too early to teach them manners and what is acceptable behaviour

I agree with everything you say and the ironic thing is the mil isn’t even old so she (and certain posters) can’t use that as an excuse.