MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

What a fragile flower that boy is.
I used to go to work after 2 hours of sleep (after a night out), let alone getting up after 6 hours to chat to own grandmother.
heck even now I get up with 5-6 hours of sleep if needed.
can you imagine?
and most young people are capable of that.
if he didn’t know his grandmother was coming or was there it is on his parents to let him know. But because they are rude that of course didn’t cross their mind

I don't know what else to say. You think the OP should have happily hosted someone 2.5 hours early because for you personally that would have been OK.
It's a basic incomprehension of other people having different situations and reasons.

None of that makes sense.

Why don’t people read ops updates. You can click to read all posts. The uni aged lad has no idea she’s coming. After working 60 hours and a leaving do you wouldn’t set an alarm on the off chance gran pops in!
Your poor FIL. Does your DH see him on his own? I’d be inclined if I was him to arrange some men only trips out.

Unbelievable!

Would you have woken him up if she turned up on time though?

Yet another who hasn't read all the OP's posts before commenting so critically. 🙄OP explained that elder son DIDN'T know his grandmother was coming because he'd been staying at his girlfriend's when the arrangement for this visit was made. He got up and came down when he woke up which was fine and even sorted out a problem with her phone. MIL sees them about once a fortnight and they are all having a meal together next Saturday, so this visit wasn't anything special.

They used to see her a lot so my mum being here was no biggie. But if I’d said to her he was asleep because he’d had a heavy night she would have said don’t wake him. My mum was nothing like what OP’s mil sounds like though.

None of this would have been an issue if she’d turned up on time and stayed for dinner as planned! Everyone would have finished their work, the DS would have woken up.

What some are missing is this shows quite worrying personality traits which shouldn’t be pandered too - passive agression, being a martyr, entitlement, rude behaviour. You don’t enable this by everyone singing to her tune. Otherwise it becomes repeated behaviour. The fact she refused to stay for dinner out of spite - again passive aggressive, martyrish behaviour .

The only rude person here is MIL. And good job the DH called her out on it. Do not entertain this shit from her As it only escalates (bitter experience).

She left EARLY in a huff. A grown woman.

Strange how some people can’t see this. It seems pretty obvious mil has a touch of the empress about her and was put out by the lack of fawning.

He didn't know she was coming as you would know if you had READ THE THREAD.

Sorry not read all the thread.

OP, why are you giving this any thought. It’s not your Mum. Leave it all to your husband to deal with.
I get on with my MIL but never text or make arrangements with her. I don’t even think we have each others numbers.
I deal with my family and my husband deals with his.
I would give advice if my husband asks but other wise I’d carry on with my day.
He can manage how the kids interact with her too. Step back and don’t worry about it.
She doesnt sound very nice though.

Haaaaaa.

I dont know. Depends whether they invited me for diner or dinner. Ah ha ha ha ha.

Not even a cup of tea ? Nah. Ignorant family.

Would you 'welcome' a family member into your place of work during your workday, when they had been clearly told you were working till x time and would be free to spend time with them then?

I'm assuming not, so why is it any different when the work is being done in someone's home?

Yeah but in a loving.family you wouldnt think that was a criminal offence, would you. Inconvenient, sure. But just being ignored and not even a cup of tea. Bit shabby.

"The invite was from 2.30pm onwards. After that at least one.of us was with you for the duration of your visit. Dog walk re-arranged to accommodate your visit. Time booked off work x 2 to accommodate your visit. Sorry it wasnt good enough for you"

Well, I'm assuming neither of these people is the CEO of Shell Oil, so I guess they could have found five minutes.

I think that some mil and fil have no idea of working from home and family life.

You mil is not happy because you did not dance attendance on her when she called over 2 hours early. She needs to realise this is what happens if she arrives 2 hours early. Your husband needs to say to her that working from home still means that you have meetings, team calls ect and with the kids getting older they are busy with school, college and work. I would not have her around in your home during the week going forward.

I have friends with older parents say in there mid 70's and above. Some of these parents seem to think that the world should revolve around them and there needs. Meanwhile they have adult kids with there own families and both of the parents could be in work. Yet they have this expectation that adult kids can be available at a moments notice. The same adult kids can work around them and there needs as they get older regarding care and driving them to doctors, hospital's, food shopping, hairdressers ect.

One friend of mine has applied for a job with hours of work when her kids are in school. She knows with this job she won't be as available for care or to drive her mother to appointment ect in the coming years. Another friend of mine was advised by a friend to change jobs to one with more hours so they won't be as available for when elderly parents need care. The same parents have money to pay for care if they need it.

I think we all know things are slightly different when people are working from home.

Totally with you OP, I can imagine my mother doing something like this, despite being retired and having limited things booked in to do all week. Respect works both ways and MIL was being disrespectful to believe her time/experience is more important than yours and your family’s.

No they're not. Not while the work in question is being carried out.

Not necessarily, my DS has a very good job working from home, as in he works from home. He takes lunch break, has a quick coffee break mid morning and that’s it. There’s no joining in stuff, if I have had to bother him about something he gets extremely stressed.