MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Of course you were not being unreasonable, and she was. How many of the people saying you should have stopped your job and woken up your son because your guest decided it was more convenient for her to visit you two and a half hours early would feel this way if they'd arranged to meet someone after work and then that person just rocked up at the office when the working day wasn't finished? Absolutely ridiculous to pretend you could have done other than you did, and she has been rude and annoying.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon "I would never expect a teenager or older to want to see a visiting older relative - it's boring for them"

But you you think that should cut both ways? Would teenagers feel hurt if their grandparents never wanted to see them because they're boring?

She sounds ridiculous. She turned up early you were working, kids were doing home work or sleeping but then she saw all of you. I'm sure she could manage to get herself a drink ffs! She could have also gone on the dog walk.

No way would I wake my kids up because someone decides to randomly, and rudely, turn up.

They might be children, but they are not second-class citizens, especially in their own home.

No reason why they should be punished for having a very rude and entitled grand-mother.

So not unreasonable OP! I cannot imagine a grandmother getting huffy their grandson is having to go and do work on a school day.

And were you woken up by a stressed working parent to make an ignorant granny a cup of tea when the kettle, teabags, milk, sugar and cups were readily available to her when she rocked up 2.5 hours EARLY because she couldn't be arsed waiting in a queue in a car park?

Her eldest came down an hour before she left, at 4-30. It’s in the original post.
it had nothing to do with her being early. He should have gotten down at 2-30/3 pm. He is rude but it’s not surprising given that he’s babied and has no expectations of good manners
poor boo boo absolutely required all day of sleep because he went out with work colleagues even though he knew his grandmother was coming

Are you able to understand that just because I don't agree doesn't mean that I don't understand?

I perfectly understand. I don't agree. Are you able to understand that?

Questioning someone's understanding isn't an argument. It's a 'I don't like what you are saying and because you don't agree with me I am going to throw shade'.

I feel sorry for his Dad, sounds like he knows exactly what she's like - and he has to live with her! I hope your husband reassured him.

Thank you, yes, I am able.
You say 'it would be fine for me'. That suggests that you don't understand that it might not be fine for someone else.

So in your culture you can decide because your MIL came into your place of work that you can just leave for the day then and there? Pray do tell where working conditions are like this?

It's rude to arrive early. The told her they were working and on meetings.

You can't just leave a meeting because a parent decides WFH doesn't really mean you have a job.

IMO the kids were not rude, they aren't there to entertain GP. One said hello and then had homework, one was not awake and said hello when he was. Maybe if she'd arrived at the arranged time, they'd have both been available?

I certainly have woken up or was woken up to be polite to people - my relatives and not my relatives- with a hangover, yes.

first of all it’s his grandmother not some rando
second of all, he knew she was coming and at least could have woken up himself by 2-30 but he didn’t bother
third, not sure why are you painting such a dramatic picture of someone being so flustered by a cup of tea. However these people function at work I wonder.

it wasn’t nice that grandma came early but rudeness of sons was unrelated to her being early

Exactly. My parents would never expect a teenager to make them a cup of tea. They can perfectly manage going to the kitchen and doing it like they would at home.

Your oldest sleeping until half 4 because he was drinking is rude and not necessary. He could have gotten up at a decent hour and sat with his gran. Why parents coddle kids in that shape is beyond me. That said, she should not have arrived early and expected to be catered to.

That’s definitely cultural. Kids are not there to entertain their grandmother? Like she’s some nuisance and not a grandmother? Wow

MIL was entirely in the wrong and should have fallen over herself not to interrupt and just looked after herself until the agreed time. Turning up 2.5 hours early on a working and college day is appallingly rude and inconsiderate to the whole family, not just the parents working from home. It's not as though MIL doesn't see them regularly as OP has explained.

It is incredible how many people are defending the MIL. She was left on her own for 2.5 hours because she turned up before she was told it was a good time to turn up. She was told why it wouldn't be a good idea to turn up earlier.
Just because someone works from home doesn't mean they have any more flexibility during the working day than other people. You have to work around other people in terms of arranging meetings etc. You can't step out of a meeting any more than someone in a physical office can. Plus if you are quite senior you might have things to deal with that no one else can.

MIL could have made herself useful by doing some housework etc. At the very least she could have made herself a cup of tea and turned the telly on.

Sounds like MIL has main character syndrome. Im so beloved and important that life must grind to a halt so everyone can revolve around me the minute I arrive, despite being two and a half hours early and knowing that they were committed to doing other things on the day. She is absolutely spoilt and ridiculous. Pay no attention to the guilt tripping, just carry on being pleasant and reasonable and dont pander to her silliness. poor old FIL - that plaintive note sounded like he sees the ridiculousness of it and that it could easily tip over into all of you getting thoroughly fed up with her and by extension with him too.

You’d seriously find it ok to be woken after 6 hours sleep so say 4am tomorrow as a relative has turned up out of blue and wants tea and to chat..I wouldn’t.
He’s worked until 2am then gone out on an arranged leaving do. He’s no idea gran is coming over if you read the updates. He’s been working long hours and staying at girlfriends. It sounds like he did get up late afternoon, presumably got showered and changed and saw gran and fixed her phone before she bizarrely chose to leave early.
If I was him and knew she’d said I was rude I’d sack off the family meal on Saturday and go back to uni.

I don't think I have ever see a poll so close!

Jesus wept.

I actually think the Dad is being a little disloyal.

I would be clear than in future she doesn’t turn up early. Turning up to visit anyone 2 1/2 hours early is unreasonable particularly if you only live 20 miles away. She could have gone to a café in town. People don’t regard working from home as real working. If you had said you won’t be home from work until 2.30 then she wouldn’t have rocked up that early. It sounds as though you should have said 3 or 3.30 anyway so you allowed time for over running and dog walking.

I do accommodate family. I don't expect my sons and husband to accommodate them as much as I do when they arrive unexpectedly and they have other things to do. A quick hello, sorry in the middle of something, just leaving, great to see you etc is enough for me and the family who rocked up unexpectedly.

I would not wake my sons to see my own mother never mind my mil, if she turned up two hours esrly and my mum would have been fine with it (and apologetic about being so early).

She’s old (she’s not), she’s lonely (she’s not). Why the infantilising of this grown ass woman by some posters?