MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

It sounds like he lives with a diva and knows it.

Agree.

I think some people genuinely have no idea of sheer breadth of work done from home. The thought of telling a judge in a court hearing hang on a sec I need to make MIL a brew.
I find interviewing full on. You need to give candidates opportunity to reply fully - some want questions repeated, score it etc. An unsuccessful candidate could easily say to HR they lost their train of thought as interviewer left room and had everyone sat there waiting for 10 mins (while she makes mil a cup of tea)

Even the one who was fast asleep?

And yes you should have woken up your other son.

I'm sure you'd be delighted to have your interview cut short or interrupted so that the person interviewing you could wake their adult child because their gran can't tell the time...

You're a lucky lady, @DrivingHomeToYou - either that or just very good at choosing

It would be lovely if we could all have DHs who dealt with such issues in the firm but loving way yours spoke to his mum, but how often we see instead "He says it's just what she's like ..."

If you're read the OP's updates you'd have seen that MIL planned to visit some shops, but because there was a long queue at the car park she changed her mind and came 2.5 hours early. She came early because it suited her.

TWO AND A HALF HOURS early.
How is that OK? Really, genuine question, how is that OK?

Why can she not think, oh I'm early, I'll make myself some tea and wait?
And how is it OK for the OP to come out of a meeting to make her one? Considering, again, that she was two and a half hours too early?
The son was being responsible about his work. Many teenagers aren't.
The older son had been out until a few hours previously.
While the OP walked the dogs the DH had some time with his mum. Many people would be pleased about that.
The person who didn't manage it well is the one who displayed nothing but disrespect for others' work/boundaries/simple requests.

Are you a MIL who doesn't respect her children?

absolutely this.

'And so'? And so she had to wait. If she'd come at the agreed time the family would have been ready for her.

Do you have endless time to spend entertaining family should they happen to turn up literally hours before they're expected? Most people don't, especially on a work day. Some on this thread seem to be peddling a narrative that older family members must be bowed down to and indulged in all things, personally in this scenario I don't think it was warranted.

The eldest was asleep after working late and going out. He had no idea she was coming. He had no idea she was there in the house.
Bonkers to suggest you should be ready to spring out of bed day or night and offer tea and chat.
Like I said earlier I doubt she’d be hosting him if he pops in at end of his workday 2am.

What would you have told the person you were interviewing at the time?

Of course. He was not ill convalescing in bed. He was sleeping because he was pissed the night before. He should have gotten up and his parents should have woken him up.

and yes I’ve been drinking all night before and going to bed at 6 am in my life many many times

Because she's family and it would be fine for me - and I work full time in a stressful job.

But thanks for the captialisation of the time - helps to cement what I already knew.

Nope not even close. Still working with school aged children.

Are you someone that doesn't accomdate family and find flexibility where they can to be nice?

he didn’t have to be woken up immediately but should have been woken up way earlier than 1h before MIL left, don’t bring interviewing here as some impossible barrier. Interview didn’t last from 12 to 16

Very annoying OP, I dislike people being late but HATE people being early - and then being offended! But as she said that's her told - best to just draw a line under it now.

How could they have told their eldest and woke him up? OP was INTERVIEWING a prospective employee and her DH was in a meeting and had already paused said meeting in order to answer the door to MIL! The eldest had also only been asleep a couple of hours

Early is so rude, especially for social things.

A woman in her mid-60s who arrives at 12 instead of 2.30 could easily have put her own tea-bag in a mug and occupied herself until her working son and daughter-in-law were free to talk to her at the pre-arranged time. Younger son didn't get home from college until 1 and elder son didn't even know his grandma was coming as he was staying over at his girlfriend's when the arrangement was made. Why on earth can't you read the OP's updates before asking yet more questions? 🙄

But it wasn't fine for the OP. Are you able to understand that? Do you know what she means by saying she was interviewing someone? What would you think if you were in an interview for a job you really wanted/needed and the interviewer left the room or the Zoom for ten minutes while you were thinking or mid-answer, then it turned out they'd done so to make someone a cup of tea?
I put the time in capitals as I thought you might be having a problem comprehending. I still do.

So when was this youngest son meant to do his homework? Because the grandma was upset that her DIL went out to walk the dogs when she was there so she probably would have viewed doing homework the same?

Why could the MIL not accommodate her family and find flexibility to be nice?