MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

I would have made myself tea. Raided the biscuit tin. Offered to walk the dog. Mooched around the garden (dead headed roses if allowed !) Looked at Mumsnet on my phone.
If it was my daughter I would have done her ironing ( which she pays me for generally, but at my home) & cleaned up her kitchen listening to Women’s Hour …
Glad your H told her why she was wrong !

They both work from home! That is no different than working in an office. If she'd shown up at their office would you have expected them to skip out of their meetings and interviews just to entertain her and show "good manners"? She has no respect for their work day!

Talk about clueless!

I understand about your son wanting to do his homework, but as the only member of the family available why couldn't he offer to make his grandma a cup of tea? That is basic hospitality that he should know by now. However, my DM and MIL recognise that they are part of the village and would understand that teenagers need reminding. 'Are you putting the kettle on?' would've been their go to question.

Why on earth did you invite her if it was a day when you were all doing something else.

Because she was 2.5 hours early.
This is what really matters here.

Of course they weren't thrilled she was there, she showed up two and a half hours early and they were working. That was rude and disrespectful. Their jobs are hiw they put food on the table and keep a roof over their head. MIL feels put out because she expects them to just drop everything for when she deigns to show up and that's not happening.

Nobody's thrilled to see a disrespectful, rude person who throws a tantrum about not being catered to during someone else's working hours. I'd be seeing her a whole lot less and I see those nice boundaries OP's husband has now put up because of her entitled behaviour.

As an 80 year-old grandmother I completely agree. I might have had to pass on the dog walk (bad knee) but otherwise I wouldn't dream of expecting the family to run around after me if I turned up ahead of schedule, knowing they were working from home until 2.30. I also wouldn't expect my grandsons to "entertain" me as though I were a visiting stranger. Mind you I would never have arranged to visit on a working/college day in the first place. That's what weekends are for.

She wasn’t an after thought though. Her son made her lunch (got something she liked) she chatted to son and dil. Her 16 yr old grandson chatted to her and her adult grandson spoke to her and fixed her phone. She was offered dinner but chose to leave before dinner.
I’m sure she would be first to complain if she was at optician/dentist/bank/gp/solicitor apt and they cut it short as their mil had popped in unexpectedly.

Maybe instead of throwing accusations around you should start by reading all of the OPs posts where has answered this and many other questions already?

Oh come off it. Nobody could put a teabag in a cup, boil a kettle and give a cup of tea. This household sounds bloody clueless. They better learn pretty quick. I dont fancy the kids chances later in life if they have this sort of example at home. Walkong the fogs and loafing around in bed is more important than a very basic courtesy to a close relative.

If someone ever invites you for diner, it doesn't mean they are sitting doing nothing all day until you arrive 😂

Same thing. Arrive at the time you are invited, or the time you arranged when you invite yourself, and assume that people are busy and have a life and plans before that agreed time. I assure you they do!

They were free from 2.30pm. Come over after 2.30pm. If she’d turned up as requested there was no issue. It was nice of them to invite mil for a late lunch, they are seeing her on Saturday.

I agree it is pretty clueless to be unable to boil a kettle and put a teabag in a cup in your own son's house without waking someone up or making someone leave work.

I agree..
Re walking the dogs for 30 minutes...
@DrivingHomeToYou You didn't all leave the house for 30 minutes... You left her to have one on one time WITH HER OWN SON. Is that not enough for her? I would have said that was quite considerate.

She came to a busy household of four adults or nearly adults all on different schedules. Its not your fault that she arrived hours before you'd asked her to. Four people at various times thought-out her visit had one on one chats with her yet she still felt "neglected" enough to send a big letter of complaint about all of them. If she wanted full attention, she should see them at the weekend. Then you could have sat on opposite sofas, making conversation for several hours.

Also, all the queries about the first day at sixth form. Who hasn't found the first day in a new job exhausting?
In my several experiences, they hit the ground running. I think he was very organised trying to make sure he got things done before football. He didn't ignore his grandmother, and he did talk to her, but he was busy.

I guess how seriously you take her complaints would depends on if this was normal interaction or if she was just enjoying complaining

I read this and thought who makes demands that everyone should drop everything and pay attention to them for the entire visit? If she's so concerned with manners and politeness there were more effective, positive and diplomatic ways she could have addressed this to improve future meetings, which might have left you looking forward to the next visit. Instead she chose to get everyone's backs up by complaining.

I hate passive aggressive, rhetorical questions like that.

It makes me want to reply with 'No, I'm not'.

She could have made herself a cup of tea if it was that important to her.

READ THE THREAD.

Actually, if I were at work and had a meeting and someone turned up I might very well nip into the kitchen and make them a quick cuppa. Admittedly my workplace is relaxed but.....

The kids sound brilliant. They're not silly push over, know how to prioritise what is important, they were polite and just getting on quietly with their plans. Or sleeping like other adults would have too.

That's how well raised kids are.

I had this trouble for years with my family and I was always so polite about it and accommodating towards them when they turned up early which was a huge mistake.

It stopped the day DH had been abroad for 11 weeks and had just got home after a long delay. My parents were meant to arrive at 3 for us to go to an event starting at 5. I confirmed this with them and said I just wanted a bit of time with DH when he got back so please don’t come until after 3. DH got back at 1:30. They turned up at 1:45. After trying the locked front door they opened the gate and came through the back door of our house to find us in a very compromising position in the hallway.

My mum was angry at me for not being guest ready. I told her I was more angry at her for interrupting the first time I’d had sex in almost 3 months.

They haven’t been early since but there was a period of mum calling up when they were 5 minutes away and telling me to make sure we were decent 😂

There was absolutely no need for that awful post.

I hope you are not a manager because if you disappear in the middle of a meeting to make a cup of tea to a private visitor that shouldn't even be there in the first place, you are unbelievably rude and unprofessional

Presumably it’s intended as a MIL bashing thread.

The problem with these threads is that there may be something we haven’t been told which accounts for MIL’s sniffy behaviour.
I thought FIL’s plea, don’t fall out with us, son, was sad. It sounds scared to me.

Very relaxed. Especially if people can ignore the people they are in a meeting with to make a cup of tea for a visitor who arrived 2.5 hours early.

Both your children were rude

Yeah sorry I think you and your family were rude OP. Yeah your MIL turned up early, but no one did make her feel welcome or tried to accomodate.

2 hours before anyone made her a drink - if this is true you could have taken two minutes

I was late joining them - this part is fine as you were working

The kids were rude by staying in their rooms - yeah they were. Your son in sixth form could have sat for 30 minutes and had a cup of tea. I do believe he was given work, but let's be honest it wouldn't have taken 5 hours. Saying he got home around 3 - and had training 5-7 he had hours.

Your older son should have got up, come down and said hello.

She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs - yeah - you could have walked them later.

You made her feel like she was an inconvenience and even if all of this happened after the agreed time - kids not visiting, dogs being walked as a priortiy etc you didn't manage it well.