MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

I'm 70 and I understand it! There is no excuse not to understand what it means, she is only mid 60s.
All my friends my age have used zoom, surely everyone did during Covid?

Op says she’s never worked

Your MIL thought she would be everyone's priority and she found out that's not the case. Now she's in a snit about that. Good.

Now she knows where she stands in the scheme of things and hopefully she'll get a clue.

Don't ever enable her entitlement. She overstepped and it's so rude and disrespectful to show up hours early, especially when you know people are working and have things going on. And yes, homework comes before a visit. Your son sounds like he's as hot a good study routine plotted out, that's key.

It doesn't sound like she has a really good relationship with your kids either.

I would not have shown up early and would have asked if you guys needed some coffee made or whatever and offered to walk the dogs.

Your husband handled her well. Don't let your family become her hobby.

I think it's even completely irrelevant if people were working or not. You simply do not turn up 2 hours early when you are a guest. It's beyond rude.

Either it's still your home, you tell your parents (or best friend etc) that you are coming but time is irrelevant, and just get on with things with no impact on the host, or you are a guest and it's not acceptable.

The cheek of MIL blaming everyone else but herself is hilarious.

Lucky her!

That post was so agist!

If you'd read the OP's updates you'd have known she often starts late to overlap with US colleagues who are at least 5 hours behind the UK.

I usually stickup for MILs because generally they get a hard time on MN …but I think you and the family have been very reasonable and glad your husband has backed you and the children. Hopefully she will reflect and apologise.

Don’t know how many times you had to repeat yourself on this thread. Just shows how many people do not understand working from home!!!

Your MIL was wrong and sadly I find a lot of women of this age like this… not sure if it’s because many of them haven’t had to work full time etc. just my observation but sure I will get flamed.

I would (seriously) reply:

Thank you for sharing this and for starting the conversation. We had wanted to ask why you arrived so early as this put us in an awkward position. Your choice to arrive far too early has also clearly led to some frustration on your side too. Best to arrive on time in future.

Regards the kids: we can't always guarantee the whole family will be available at the same time and they're old enough now to speak for themselves - pop them a message if you have any concerns to raise with them. I know they had their reasons for not being available but they can speak for themselves now.

Suggest we plan future catch ups on days off only because work meetings can and do overrun. I'm not able to change my dogs' routines entirely for you, especially when they only get half an hour break from being trapped and bored indoors (try for at least an hour walk please! 😂 - dog lover here) - but as it happens, I did walk the dogs together to spend more time with you.

So to recap: if you can make more of an effort to keep to the time agreed, we will all have a better experience.

It's a bit sad. She probably arrived early because she waa looking forward to see you. . Yes, it was a bit silly of her but it's not the crime of the century. And the general way she was treated aa an afterthought is hurtful. I mean, let's face it, nobody really behaved aa if they were thrilled she was there and she would have felt that very strongly. You dont have very nice manners in your house. If I were a relative, I probably wouldnt bother coming round again where I'm only half welcome. You all sound a bit clueless actuslly.

No, you've misunderstood.

Everything you said sounds fine @DrivingHomeToYou and I’m glad DH said what he did and clarified.

She has to understand that WFH needs to be ‘same as in office - while you may have some flexibility, would she turn up at your office and expect you to just stop everything? Of course not. If she hasn’t got the message (hopefully she has) then maybe a little creativity ‘we have the afternoon off but we may be in the office rather than WFH’ just to remind her might be in order …

The only clueless person here is the one who turned up two and a half hours early (and the OP says why she did so, if you read her posts).

good for your husband - MIL has been an incredibly rude prima donna

So what did you mean regarding stopping an interview when you want?

If the thread title was ‘aibu to stop working for a few minutes to entertain a grown adult and cut an interview short?’ everyone would be saying that wfh means working and not stopping for a few mins.

you can’t win op 🤣

Sounds like a good handling of it from your DH.

Essentially, if your MiL had turned when she was asked, your DH would have been available immediately, you after half an hour, your younger DS might have done his work or been up for a break by then and your older DS might have been awake, so the rest seems pretty irrelevant to me!

I also WFH home but no, that doesn't mean I can just clock off whenever I feel like it and this kind of attitudes winds me up so much.

You probably wouldn’t be invited again with that attitude tbh.

I was responding to the post by Tryagain26 that starts 'Have you ever interviewed anyone?'
Maybe the quoting function didn't work/isn't clear.

Your MIL is a needy and selfish woman with far too much free time to the point where she either doesn't remember what it is like to have responsibilities or doesn't care.

She showed up early, on a work and school day, and had the nerve to complain that your son had schoolwork, you and your husband were working, and you walked your dogs.

She doesn't respect your adult responsibilities to the point where she later wrote to guilt trip and paint herself as a victim. She is out of touch and young enough to get a job of her own and join the majority of adults who actually have things they must take care of during the work week.

As for your children, the younger should absolutely not have had to set aside school work to entertain her on a school day, especially. And the older one...not ideal, but your MIL just seemed to expect a LOT of attention!

You agreed after 2.30pm so anything that happend before that is on your MIL. She chose to come early. From 2.30pm it sounds like she saw everyone and was offered dinner. She's being entitled.

I would say nothing an shave you DH deal with his mother. I would be telling her we agreed after 2.30pm

If you turn up 2 hours early when you plan to go somewhere, you are not "half welcome" you are not welcome at all until the agreed time 😂

No probs Will read again 😊

Let DH admonish her. She sounds like hard work