MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Ugh, feeling your pain OP. I wfh and pretty much no one apart from DH (who also wfh) takes it seriously. What is it with these people who can't understand that wfh is still work and still has to be done at a specific time? 🙄 I know people say it's generational, and certainly my own parents never seem(ed) to get it, but I honestly don't understand what's so hard to grasp about the concept.

And that's before I even get it started her turning up that early. The arrangement was for her to arrive in the afternoon and that's when she should have arrived. I also don't really understand why she didn't just make herself a drink and get comfortable to wait for you to finish work. Totally unreasonable to expect you all to drop everything just because she decided to come early!

@Pallisers totally agree. Even saying oh you should have woken your son up - they're working!

It's really obvious some people posting on this thread have never worked from home. 🙄

Your DHs response was a good one. What’s really worrying is her being like this in her 60s, gawd knows what she’ll be like when she’s properly old.

Why can’t she make her own tea for a couple of hours? She’s an adult, not a toddler. My son needed sleep after work and a night out. Why should making tea for a capable grandmother, who has turned up early, get priority over his sleep. Should he go and visit her on his schedule, after work at 2am and demand tea because it suits him to visit then? This was his sleep time, it doesn’t matter that it’s at a different time.

If this was his one chance to see her for a year, it would be different, but he sees her often and is seeing her at the weekend before leaving for uni.

I am a MIL in my 60s, and my son and his wife have a busy, busy household - one reception age dd and twin toddler dds, and even though I am disabled, I wouldn't dream of expecting them to drop everything and attend to me, especially if I arrived early. I am more than happy to sit quietly until they are free.

I do think uni aged lad getting a hard time. Why should he have 4 hours sleep and be disturbed just because grandma has randomly turned up. If he’d been working overnight shifts bet responses would have been different. Sounds like he’s been working hard all summer and entitled to enjoy his leaving do.
I also don’t think mid 60s is elderly. My manager and another colleague are both older than her and working ft in demanding roles managing high level projects. It’s not even state pension age. I don’t think they are elderly.

Mil is mid-60s but has never worked! How did she manage that?
She is being VU by the way.

Have you ever interviewed anyone? You have to give each candidate the same chance, which means asking them the same questions and giving them a fair chance to answer them fully. You can't suddenly stop and say sorry I have to go now because my mother in law has just arrived! Also OP was one person in an interview panel. I can't see that she could have done anything else.
I think the issue is that the mother in law doesn't understand that working from home means actually working!

Agree. It also sets a precedent and the poor lad will be stuck with grandma every time she turns up which be more once she realises she has an audience.

Your MIL is unbelievably rude and unreasonable.

I don't understand the posters who are trying to make it your children's problems. It's their home, they matters just as much as adults and do not have to give up their schedule because of a rude guest turning up randomly. No one asked them if they wanted to invite their grand-mother, they didn't get a chance to tell her not to come, it's not their job to entertain her.

I salute young people who take their homework seriously, and his sibling is allowed to sleep in his own home.

What was she planning on doing if you had not been home until the time you agreed for her visit?

No grip needed.

Don't turn up 2 hours early when you arrange to visit someone and they give you a time.

The only rude person in this whole story is MIL.

If I’d been her, I would have made you and your husband cups of tea.

OP, YANBU at all.

Ignore all the posts here saying your kids are rude etc etc

I think too often these days we are expected to accommodate people like your MIL who feel entitled and fall off the edge as soon as they’re popped back in their box. Quite frankly, I’m sick of it.

Your MIL was being very unreasonable; completely uncalled for given that you told her a specific time you’d be free.

Lucky for you, you have a DH who called her out on it and a FIL who backs you up. MIL has made a tit of herself and no doubt she knows it.

Hopefully she won’t make that mistake again but if she does, sounds like your DH has it all in hand.

I’m not going to suggest how to respond but the fact your children got on with whatever they were doing speaks volumes of their relationship with her. I guess she was one of those grandmothers who send Christmas and birthday gifts by post and have sight of the kids whenever they visit to chat to the adults and have drinks made for them? You reap what you sow. You can’t force a relationship now and I suggest you don’t mention this to your children at all. Don’t teach them to pander

I don't understand why she can't make her own drink!
I am older than OPs mother in law but I understand what working from home means and that the teenagers have their own lives.
I would only have turned up 2 hours early if I had no choice because of public transport and if so I would have made myself a drink and one for my grandson who had just had his first day at college. If have asked him how it went, wished him luck with his work then. had a couple of hours watching TV or reading. I wouldn't expect to be waited on.

And this poster doesn't seem to understand about working full stop. You're in charge of how long the interview lasts?

Some of the older generation don't get working from home, they think you can just stop and chat. They have no concept of zoom or teams meetings online that you have commitments to at all. Hence your MIL arriving early thinking she'll have more time to chat. It's a learning curve... Why not send her a link so she can try it out, she may get it then.

People that do this infuriate me. I would have simply replied yes, that is why we said come after 2.30pm. Because we were busy until 2.30pm. End.

You should tell her to come at a weekend when youre presumably not working, her fault she was early, she could have made herself a drink.
Hardly worth coming if she.didnt stay for dinner

I think it’s 50/50. She should have been happy to entertain herself as she arrived early. My mum often does this. You had to finish work so that’s fine. However DC could have done homework later and got out of bed earlier, and you could have walked dogs after she’d left. It does look like noones over keen to spend time with her.

So you would cut short an interview with someone who wants a job to make your MIL a cup of coffee?

She’s only mid 60s. She could be working herself.

You’ve not read the thread obviously.

Sure fire way to make an adult dc not want to be at home is to treat them like a child. He sounds like a decent lad. He’s been working 60 hours a week keeping late hours. Sometimes stays with girlfriend. Not troubling his parents at all, made his own way home 8am and went to bed. Happy to go for family meal at weekend.
If you treat them like children they’ll vote with feet and stay at uni city year round.
If he’s been in a pattern of working in ar/nightclub until 2am it’s understandable his body clock has shifted.
Shame he’s finished the job or he could pop round to grans for tea and a chat at 2.30am on way home from work and send a message about how he found it rude she was asleep.