MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Eldest DS should have been woken.
He got in at 8am and it was about midday
Plus she sees him at least once a fortnight.
Give your head a wobble.

This. But get your DH to handle it.

you can’t just down tools at 2.30pm on dot.
But the point is she was SUPPOSED to come at 2.30, when they would have been ready to see her. She turned up 2.5 hours early.

Agree with this, but I think I’d still be disappointed that both grandsons were at home and didn’t even offer a cup of tea. Yes I know one was in bed and the other had homework to do, but I think I’d have told the one in bed to get up if he were my son.

That’s me told.
Straight out of the Blanche from Corrie almost comedic passive-aggressive playbook.
Her poor husband.

OP said he was fast asleep and none the wiser she was even there.

I think that was the mistake OP and DH made; they should have told him as soon as they could. Okay, MIL arrived too early, but I still wouldn’t leave a visiting family member sitting on their own for hours because my DS was out late drinking and therefore mustn’t be disturbed!
Get him to make his granny some tea!

It would have been communicated that it was taking place at 2.30pm. Not 12 noon.

Your kids don’t realiy like her because it sounds like she has never engaged with them properly

You’re getting an awful lot of stick here for what seems to me like an easy to read situation of your mil being quite unreasonable. She turned up earlier and therefore wasn’t accommodated until the specified time, that’s not rude or unusual.

My grandma frequently visits us but if for any reason she’s early she would just creep around and help herself to a drink until we were free, she certainly wouldn’t take umbridge at the idea either

She's really entitled. She thinks she should rock on up whenever and you guys stop work and bow and scrape and cater to her.

Your husband's going to have to tell her she was really rude coming so early and her expectations of being catered to were unreasonable on a day you guys were working and your kids either having their first day with check in needed or testing up.

Would she rock up to your work like that? No. You home is your workplace when you're working. She has no respect.

Would you have left interviewing someone to get your son up?

To me, this is all about what type of household you have. My mum isn't a 'visitor' in that sense, she has her own key, comes in, washes up, chats to whichever children are visible and doesn't take it personally if they are busy (they always come to say hi and have 5 min chat, but may then be busy/going out)- and because she's so relaxed and lovely, they love being with her now they are adults!

Who wants to make people pay them attention or to make older teens spend more time with them if they don't want to- being part of a family is being part of the ebb and flow of everyday life.

If she comes once a year, or every few months, this would be rude, if she's a frequent visitor, then she would be so much better off just slotting in- like even offering to make cuppas for everyone and saying hi (my mum used to peek in their bedrooms and say hi and then they come out!)

She's making it stressful to having her visit which is counter-productive to her goal of being closer to everyone.

Bloody hell some of you lot are patronising. At mid 60ies my brother and sister-in-law are running their own very successful business from home, and touring Europe in a huge motorhome in their spare time. If anyone dared suggest they "didn't understand WFH" or had found driving 20 mins "stressful" they'd laugh uproariously. Even my 80 odd year old parents can drive huge distances without a pat on the head.

It's frustrating when you work from home. My family didn't take it seriously and would ask for lifts, babysitting, call round for coffee, they never understood that if I stopped I would have to make the time up and it was a massive inconvenience. In the end I just started saying no. It didn't go down very well but it had to be done.

Either she's a guest, at which point she arrives at the time she is invited for so she can be hosted. Or she is a family member with a little more flexibility...in which case she behaves as such once there.

If they were in meetings, especially an interview, they couldn't really get up and do so though.

My mum is like your mum @TheSunBeatsDown
She’s 80 and understands wfh. She comes on bus one day a week for 2 hours. Lets herself in. If I’m free I say hello for 5 mins and she then walks our dog for an hour (she talks to people and enjoys it) She returns and usually we have lunch together but if I’m in a meeting she eats lunch and will read a magazine and/or brush the dog, wash up etc. She usually makes her own cup of tea. It’s zero intrusion on my work.

If husband here wfh he also pops in to say hello and will have lunch with us if he’s free. If uni age dd around she’ll say hi.

All very flexible and no one takes offence.

I’d stop all weekday visits from now on say it doesn’t work for you.

No she is rude. She’s not lonely! She sees them twice a week, she is married, she has friends and a husband and hobbies.

This entitled behaviour needs calling out. Otherwise she’ll never change.

I feel sorry for the DS, first day at a new school, he is stressed and wanted to get his work done and have some time for sport later yet entitled Gran turns up hours early and expects to be entertained. She is the rude one.

She’s very rude to turn up so early and then complain no one was around. Very very silly behaviour.

I do hope the meal at the weekend goes well and she will hopefully apologie for making a tit of herself!😆

Short answer's no, if she definitely knew it was supposed to be 2.30 (she couldn't be confused/time changed/misheard?)
But to be that annoyed mean it's not about that, maybe she has felt unwanted before and it's a camel's back situation? Talk to her as a family to try to sort it out, and see if she really is annoyed about her own mistake, or whether it's just an overall feeling, and discuss how you can all move forward.

How is maintaining clear respectful boundaries remotely ‘sad’?

I think it’s worse than sad where extremely regressive cultures treat women as second class citizens who should always defer to elders and men.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

For what it’s worth, my granny was a complete bitch who deserved zero respect.

Gosh, some people are really hard at comprehension. And 🤣 at the poster who suggested you stop interviewing early!

OP, you and your family were not being unreasonable.
Good for your DH to have addressed it. He sounds like a keeper.

Indeed.

I’m not brilliant at biting my tongue, however, and this would be why I would have replied: I’m sorry that you felt it was appropriate to arrive early and interrupt us whilst working and do wonder ‘why you bothered’ to do that when we had asked you to arrive after 2.30 - from which point you had our undivided attention. You could also have chosen to stay for dinner when invited, at which point you could have spent time with the kids, too.

Even on this thread you can see the number of people who think working from home means free to do whatever you want.

Your MIL sounds a bit sour. I could imagine her saying to a friend "I went over to see them but they were all too busy for 2 full hours" but to lodge a complaint with you like you are a hotel who failed to provide room service - weird. I know there are cultures where older people are venerated and can do no wrong. I prefer the way I was raised where we tried very hard not to think badly of our family and presumed the best of them.

I'm trying to imagine my lovely parents or MIL complaining about their grandchildren like this - no can't see it. They adored/adore them. When your eldest did appear my mum would have said "ah why did you wake him up the poor boy needs his sleep".