MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

She suggested coming on Monday and he said that’s fine after 2.30 as we will be working til then. She does some hobbies on other days, always does her food shop on a Thursday, so Monday was the day that suited her. We said the kids might not be around as youngest child’s first days timings/timetable hadn't been confirmed then and we never know when oldest is going to be here, but she was welcome to come and see us after 2.30 and have lunch and dinner.

The OP said in one of her posts - it suited the MIL best to come Monday as it fitted in around her other activities. She was told clearly that they would be working, and that the children might not be around.

My husband's ex used to do this. I only found out after DH died and I had a phone conversation with his DIL. DH's son and partner both worked from home...

The ex and whichever partner she was with at the time would simply drive down from Scotland to England and turn up at their door...and sit there whilst the son and DIL were trying to get their work done.

We had no idea. The DIL never dared to criticise her MIL in front of DH's son, so this was the first I was told of it. (While I was being told about it, DH's son came into the room and the DIL abruptly changed the topic of conversation.)

The couple of times we'd stayed with the son and DIL we'd arranged beforehand when we were visiting and then did our own thing during the day while they were working - we'd go out for a drive and look at the sights, etc.

It explained a lot. A few times, DH would mention that we planned to try to visit the kids at such and such a time (during my holidays since I was still working), only to be told "Oh, no. I'm going there with [Partner]."

In all that time, we never realised that she was just showing up unexpectedly.

Some people just don't care about the reality of working life for others.

Also, OP's son arrived after his MIL had arrived. He could have assumed his MIL had already had a cup of tea.

Both my mother and my MIL would have sulked in this situation. Neither of them believe WFH is a real thing with a timetable, neither would have made a drink, read a book or had a look at the garden. The dog walk would have been resented very much. The teenagers would still have been hearing about it a decade later.
I think some people can't change their mindsets. I don't know why.

Was she not capable of putting the kettle on? She sounds very up herself, expecting to be fawned and fussed over because she’s been rude enough to rock up 2 plus hours early. Glad your dh put her in her place and she recognises that, yes, she has indeed been told!

I have explained. We are taking half days this week to use up leave so 3 days I’m doing 10.30-2.30 ish and 2 days I’m doing 3-7 ish. Monday we were both finishing at 2.30 and that day suited her to come over. Often we work til 7 or 8pm so it’s hard to see her during the week so we make it happen when we can as an extra visit. If she arrived at 2.30, it would have been fine. We were free all afternoon and evening and planned to spend it either her. We had told her the kids might not be around, we never know where the oldest will be and didn’t know he was coming home that day. Youngest starting college didn’t need to stop a visit happening, he just needed to be left to do what he needed to do.

Life is busy most days so we’d never see anyone if we didn’t make the effort. We do so it’s annoying to be told we made no effort.

Great reply, totally agree with this 100%.

If you had informed MIL of when to come, she should have known that you are wfh and won't be able to leave the home office.
( wfh does not mean your employer allows you to wonder off when you feel like it, you still have fixed work hours.)

Unfortunately, as for the children, it depends on the day and circumstances. With your older DS it is understandable. However with your younger DS, he could have stayed downstairs for a little longer, perhaps 30/ 40 minutes and then excused himself.
However, you can't make children do something, it depends on their mood. As you have explained in your update. He had plans for his afternoon.
I also think MIL should have stayed longer, if she wanted to spend more time, leaving at 5.30pm is early.

Let your DH explain the situation and she had been told what time to come.

I think the kids need to be taught some manners. The college work could have waited a couple of hours. That was just an excuse.

The woman is probably lonely.

I’m mid 60s and wouldn’t dream of behaving like your mil.

If she’s lonely in her mid 60s then that is her responsibility to fix. She has a husband and a family who obviously do see her. (I am also mid 60s).

She clearly does or she wouldn't have thrown a strop!

"Come around at 2.30pm"

"Nope, I'm going to ignore that time boundary and do as I like, because other people's needs are less important than mine"

Then going full passive-aggressive victim mode when the genuine reasons for time boundary become apparent and the attention monster was left hungry

Meanwhile, other posters "you and your kids are so mean for not people-pleasing!" and various other excuses of enablement

Good for your DH. She is now switching to martyr mode. Classic. It all needs nipping in the bud.

Hopefully she has learnt from this.

OP you will get some rude answers on here just ignore them you were not being unreasonable. FIL said she was unreasonable and he should know

I’m a few years younger and totally agree.
I would rather be a natural home where I could make myself a cup of tea (if for some reason I had to be there when there were things going on) than two teenage boys being shoehorned in.
At some point you have to understand that teenagers do their own thing it’s the natural order of things.
If this lady is lonely then she won’t make anyone want her around more by moaning.
She had the opportunity for a late lunch and dinner and got the hump that the von Trapps weren’t at the front door to greet her.
It drives me bloody nuts the demands and the simpering.
My mum was different in that she would get too stuck in. If she was bored and had time on her hands I’d find her cleaning floors or bleaching dishcloths. It was a standing joke - if she was a bit early - has she repainted the kitchen? But she meant well.
There are two fantastic young men here making their way in the world. Would she rather call round and find them gaming, off their nuts in weed?
Young people will come and talk to you if they feel at ease. If they feel awkward they can’t wait to get out of the way.

I’m really not seeing how the yr12 was rude. He spoke to her and then did his homework. He had no idea she’d be there at that time and could well have opted to stay in library it was just coincidence he was home. She’d been told he was first day at school and may not be around.
If he knew he needed to eat and go to football practice makes sense to crack on with homework especially when it’s unknown quantity.
If he’d left it and waited until late afternoon to start and then had a lot of work he’d not be able to get it done before football. Some teachers start as mean to go on.

Sadly in future your dh does not ' mention ' to his mother that he / the two of you are booking off half days as annual leave.

and next time she asks to visit when you are both free you will probably have to ask ' why ' if you are seeing her and dad the following Sunday anyway.

YADNBU and glad your DH and FIL nipped this in the bud. SHE chose to arrive early knowing you were working. When people are working, wfh or not makes no difference and have families, you fit around them instead of having a tantrum.

Okay she came early. Could have made herself a drink and watched TV. If it was me I'd see what I could help out with, dishes, meal prep. I know you don't have to and it's not expected but still. I muck in, not sit there like lady muck expecting busy people to pander to me and then have a tantrum because I chose to arrive early. People aren't there for her entertainment.

The teenagers did bother with her but have their own lives and were busy.

Your MIL also could have stayed longer, but left and declined dinner. That was on her.

I wouldn't be accommodating in future. See less of her, only when you have more time and if she complains, remind her. Miserable, ungrateful spoilt woman. She's going to push people away and then wonder why she's lonely.

This is all fair enough OP and for those that are saying the kids were rude - completely wrong. Well done on your DS for wanting to get in to a routine and get his work done before sport. How dare the MIL be so entitled to turn up early and disrupt this - she is the rude one and not your kids.

And your other DS didn’t even know she was there and had a night out - so what, fair enough!

What people don’t realise is if everyone had entertained this she would have carried on being early and turning up when not invited! You would have been enabling her. It only stops when she is called out.

My MIL turned up hours early on Christmas Day FFS and ruined my chilled morning with my kids. Like I said from now on she gets given a fake time.

I agree, the kid should have broke out his musical skills and entertained her with this

She's married and has stuff on all week. The date was to suit HER social life. So hardly "lonely".

If she'd had lunch first, and come at the agreed time then it would have played out differently. You husband would have been ready, your sons finishing work and getting up, you could have had dinner together and she would have seen move of them.

As it was she rudely came early, stewed for 2 and half hours then left and complained she hadn't been given enough attention when she could have stayed for dinner.

I imagine some small part of herself feels silly and is kicking herself for being early, forcing the realisation that the world doesn't revolve around her and then missing out on a family dinner she would have been looking forward to, just because she was in a funk and left early to sulk.