MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

If someone had a 2.30 appointment with me and turned up at 12.00 the chances are that i would be at the computer with headphones on so not hear them. At least thats what I would tell them. No MIL but I once had a thoughtless neighbour who used to turn up once or twice a week for a "chat" when I was WAH. So I began not opening the door when I saw on the CCTV that it was her. Eventually I told her the Uni I worked for now required us all in the office.

I was in a rental that was being sold and graciously allowed viewers to come for an 8 pm appointment. They turned up at 6 30 when I was still eating. I told them to come back in an hour as it was inconvenient. The agent apologised to THEM and not to ME for violating the appointment time. There were no more viewings.

Your MIL is a drama lama and everything has to be about her. I would not invite her again and tell her why. She is DH mother not yours so let him go visit her and tell her where she stands in the hierarchy.

So glad your DH had a word with her and that your FIL is also supporting.

If this is out of character for your MIL I would try to check if all is well with her at the weekend. Has she recently been poorly, lost a close friend or had an unpleasant experience you aren’t aware of?

Hope your family meal goes well and everyone has a good time.

And regarding OP's son, he had other plans.
Yes, it would have been nice if he'd made his grandmother a cup of tea, but she arrived effectively uninvited and expected him to change those plans at the drop of a hat to suit her, which is bloody cheeky IMHO.

And I'd also have walked my dogs. They have a routine, they expect a walk and dinner, I need the fresh air and exercise.

If someone arrives at a busy household ages early, they need to accept that they need to fit in around other people.

If you think I’ve misinterpreted then explain it to me.

If you were the MIL and said you wouldn't do what you were asked, you wouldn't be invited back.

Good on your hubby! She was bang out of order, and your FIL knows it too.

No. Last reply to you.

You can’t explain it because I didn’t misinterpret.

Your MIL is rude and lacks respect for the fact you were working from home and it seems she was expecting to be entertained and waited on, even though you told her you were working from home.

In future, to avoid this shenanigans, I suggest she should only be invited on days when you are not working, so she can not manipulate and cause trouble like she did last time.

I would not tell her to be honest because she is likely to cause a scene again, but of course, the choice is yours and your DH's.

Usually on here I think MILs get a bit of a hard time (because it's clear the OP doesn't actually like them!)

In this case, I think it is a bit 6 of 1 as pps have said and she was probably disappointed not to see more of her grandchildren who could have been a bit more present. BUT she was early and you told her not to be.

The unusual thing here is that your DH has absolutely stepped up and handled the situation really well in a fair and clear way (often DHs are mute!). She is defensive because she knows she was spiky with you and her message wasn't on. Sounds like she has a lovely DH and a nice family - she must be doing something right! She will come around.

i can’t believe the pretzels people are turning themselves into to make YOU the bad guys in this @DrivingHomeToYou

“Mil, come after 2.30pm as we’re working” is clear

rocking up 2.5 hours early is RUDE.

for those of you who have no concept of working/management etc apart from reorganising your handbag collections, let’s make this relatable:

imagine if you arrange a dinner party for 7pm, and everyone turned up at 5.

I’ll leave that with you for the panic to settle in

or imagine your massage appointment is booked for 11am, and you show up at 9, demanding to be seen/catered to?

the second she arrived and saw that both H and OP were in active meetings was the time SHE should have copped herself on, made a cuppa and sat the fuck down. She should’ve apologised for turning up so early. Ideally she should have taken herself back home and come back at the time she was actually invited.

mil is 100% in the wrong here. Not @DrivingHomeToYou , not H, and definitely not the kids.

The amount of posters on here who think WFH means do what the hell you want. Have whatever hours you want and do whatever work you want is mind blowing. Also if interviewing you do it thoroughly otherwise you may regret the choice you made.

I think your MIL is pissed because you told her 2:30 when she asked to visit that specific day. You had reasons for this. She thought you were lying for whatever reason and thought well half a day leave means 12:30 finish. They just don’t want me for those 2.5 hours. Turns up early and finds out the reasons for you saying 2:30 were just and valid. Then is pissed as you as she can’t admit she was wrong.

Aw your poor FIL. Glad he told his wife off and messaged your husband. Hopefully that’s nipped it all in the bud! 🌺

Has she explained why she turned up at midday? Did your DH specifically ask her that?

You, your husband and your children didn’t do anything wrong IMO.
You made it clear you were both working and that she was early. You were interviewing, you literally had NO time spare.
One child was asleep after a night saying bye before going to uni. I would have left them alone too, but as said, you didn’t have the spare minutes to go and get him any way. Might have sent a sly text under the desk if there was a moment to get away with it saying if you’re awake your Nan’s here.
Your son, I’d be really proud that they were so conscientious and aware of their anxieties and that they absolutely did the right thing for them.
Think your husband did a great job on the call.

Good for your husband. She's a diva/a poor me type, and I would not indulge her either. I might ask if she is having a problem telling the time or needs a new watch/phone.
Those banging on about the sons, give it a rest; the OP has explained many times over, and they were not rude, they were legitimately unavailable or busy.
Also, many people on here don't seem to understand or respect the idea of the OP and DH being busy with work; is that because they were at home? I wonder if you would turn up hours early to meet someone at their office/hospital/factory and then strop because they couldn't immediately come out with you/entertain you?

Imagine being in an interview situation in a physical office and your MIL arrives
and expects you to leave the person you're interviewing to have a chat and make her a coffee? 😂

I think it’s a bit of 6 of one half a dozen of another.

Your MIL was rude to turn up early, you were rude to not wait to walk the dogs. Eldest DS should have been woken. Youngest DS seems to have been the only one who acted appropriately by spending half an hour with his granny.

I think midweek visits are obviously too stressful

Brilliant result - I'm glad your DH was able to tell her she was BU, and that your FIL is on your side! I'm baffled by all the people saying you should have stopped working to wait on her hand and foot and made your children do the same 😂

I think lots of people inc some on this thread have zero concept that people can be doing quite high level roles from home and you can’t just down tools at 2.30pm on dot.
I hate half days as I think the universe knows and inevitably something kicks off. You can’t just walk away mid interview or if a bridge has collapsed.

Fundamentally the fault is MILs for arriving so early having been specifically told you weren't available until 2.30. Definitely agree about that.

But I'm confused about how/why this particular day was agreed upon for a visit in the first place, as it sounds like you all had a lot on? WFH that included interviewing, starting college for one DC, post work leaving drinks the night before for other DC. Just doesn't sound like the best day for visitors in the first place tbh.

Most people have said the son wasn't rude and I'll say it again - he wasn't rude.

I remember A-level homework and how overwhelming it seemed at the time. It's normal and natural to want to prioritise it. He absolutely shouldn't have sacked it off to run around after a rude, early guest.

She was planning on going to a few shops before seeing us but changed her mind when there was a big queue to get in the car park so came straight here. We would have been ok with her being early if she looked after herself til we finished work, without moaning afterwards.

I’m the same age as your MIL. She’s being a PITA. You just don’t turn up two hours early anywhere. If she’s worked/is working/has any knowledge at all of modern life, she knows about working from home. I feel sorry for your FIL, he sounds like he knows exactly what she’s like. Could be menopause if she hasn’t always been this way - my mother went vile and stayed that way, sadly!

De-escalate without capitulating

“ Sorry you are upset Mum, but that’s why we said 2.30… work… Ds out all night… dogs always need a walk…it was lovely to see you, se you again soon”