MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Good on your DH for standing up to her in a kind way

My son wanted to get the work done as he didn’t know how long it would take, is anxious about college in general and had football later on, so no he couldn’t really do it later and feel ok.

I couldn’t finish work because I was interviewing someone. Some people have no understanding of other jobs clearly.

The dogs need walking. I asked her to come, she didn’t want to so my husband stayed with her. She doesn’t need both of us there the whole time!

She found out we had booked half days of annual leave all this week and suggested she come over. It wasn’t an issue if she came when we said or looked after herself til we were free when she arrived so early. We could have had all afternoon and evening with her but she stropped off without having dinner which we had planned for her preferences! We often work from 10/11am til 7/8pm so it’s not easy finding time in the week to see her. When we have time off, we try to accommodate.

I’ve said all this already.

Yes because you asked if we would ‘all stop what we were doing’. As I had already addressed the OP and her DH working as valid, I focused on what the DC were ‘doing’ during their grandmother’s visit.

You shouldn’t have told her you had half days, and just have invited her for dinner. She would still have turned up early but you’d have been free, having had time to finish up at work, do homework, walk dogs etc. she’s obviously the type that doesn’t listen so you need to think around that

Your post is in the quote stack!

So you didn’t actually invite her? Sorry if you’ve already answered this but how often does she generally come over?

TBH it sounds like none of you actually like her so maybe this particular visit is a bit of a red herring. Is there a back story that we are not aware of?

Yes that tends to be how the quote system works on Mumsnet. Still not sure what you are getting at.

I think your son needs to get a bit of a grip. Presumably it was a small amount of work that wasn’t due in the next day? Lots of people have said he was rude. You need to accept that.

If you are the interviewer, you are in control of how long the interview takes so don’t really see why that was a problem either.

The dogs would have survived.

I know…

Are you in the habit of arriving to places you’re invited to 2.5 hours early?

I think the OP’s DS isn’t the only one who’s been out all night on the sauce 😂

Lots of people have also come up with a hundred reasons why this is everyone elses fault and not the MILs. Lots of people saying something doesn't mean they are right.

Your personal attack says a lot about you.

But why?

This is a woman in her sixties who sees her family regularly. Why is all that disruption necessary?

OP you were all completely reasonable. She turned up 2.5 hours early - that’s really rude and presumptuous, given she expected to be entertained over that time. Fine if she was just happy to sit and chill, read, make a cup of tea, watch tv etc - but not fine to turn up hours earlier than you were told and expect people to be around to chat to her.

Neither my parents nor my DH parents (in their 70s and 80s) would dream of acting like this. They’re all totally welcome at our house at all times, we have no problem them turning up when we’re at work because if they do, they’d just keep themselves out of the way and busy, understanding we all have stuff to do and not behaving like wet lettuces who can’t work the kettle or read a book.

They’d also be totally understanding of students getting home and wanting to get on with homework. Or being asleep at a time they weren’t expected to be awake.

If you turn up at a time you have been told isn’t convenient during the working and school week to a busy family household, that’s completely on you.

No idea what you can do to explain this to someone clearly as self absorbed and not overly bright as your MIL, but just reiterating that as you said, people weren’t free till 2.30 so anything happening before that is on her.

Ah I see. So it’s ok for you to insinuate I’m a bit slow of thinking, but it’s not ok for me to send a bit of the same treatment back your way. Double standards, got it.

This. You are NBU at all. I’d be really pissed off if she turned up early - she knows you both work. And why should the kids put themselves out either just because she’s early. Jeez, if she wants to hang around until everyone is free that’s fine, she presumably knows where the kettle is. You were all busy - if she doesn’t like it, don’t come until the allotted time! Some people are so entitled.

Wow - some people are giving you a hard time!
I think there must be a lot of tone-deaf MILs on this thread 😂

I spent years WFH and lots of people don't seem to understand that you can't just step away from a meeting/call/interview when you feel like it, or when someone turns up unexpectedly.
Your children aren't babies, you're not responsible for waking them up, making them entertain your MIL....
Personally I find it incredibly rude when people arrive early with no warning - the time you agreed was the time you'd be free to "entertain" her.

Ignore all the haters OP, you were not BU at all!!

And most people have said the OP wasn’t unreasonable.
On what basis was it “presumably” a small amount of work? You have absolutely no idea how much it was. Lots of people also said he was not at all rude.

I’ve done lots of work interviewing. Often there are a few interviewers. Not just one person totally in charge. Completing interviews properly is more important than making sure two people are available to entertain one perfectly capable 60 year old who has her son with her anyway for 30 minutes.

She was invited on the dog walk and she didn’t want to go. And as far as the OP knew she was staying all evening - the dog wouldn’t wait till then.

Because, as the OP has said much earlier in the thread, he'd been staying at his girlfriends or a few nights, and this visit was only arranged the other day. He hasn't been home to know she was coming over, so had no idea until he woke up. The MIL comes over ever couple of weeks, this isn't like a once a year event!

Stop being goady. You sound unpleasant about a just 16 year old boy trying his best. How sad, and you should get a grip to need to put a child down in that way.

He is doing 4 A levels and had pre reading and questions for each. He did the reading and questions for the two subjects he has today which took about 3 hours which aligns with what his tutors said it should take. He spoke to his nan after he finished the work, ate dinner, went to football training, came back, showered and went straight to bed at 9.30 as he had to be up early today.

I was one person on a panel of interviewers, so no, I don’t get to end the interview. You’re clueless.

I like my dogs to thrive and be happy, not just survive.

Haven't RTFT but people who turn up ages early are the bane of my life.

They seem totally unaware that other people have plans (getting their homework done before Granny shows up; getting the dogs walked; prepping dinner; finishing some work) and should be there for them.

Even the ones who show up early with, 'I'll just get myself a cup of tea and keep out of your way' are now still in your headspace (and often underfoot, because the sort of people who think that turning up two hours early is okay don't tend to have a very good definition of being 'out of your way').

Can't help it if you misinterpreted my post.

"... Your son who had the night out was hiding from her. He’d had loads of sleep but didn’t want to be stuck hosting his nan so left it until you guys were. I’m a bit sceptical about the homework that needed to be done so desperately aswell..."

This ^ ! 😄

It's on your MiL for not doing what she was told

I’m going to ignore the very obvious trolls from now on. They’re on every bloody thread. I’m sure it’s just the same one name changing and socking. I pity them.