MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

While I think MIL has created her own misery, I think eldest, who is an adult, should have got up and entertained her, made get a cup of tea. As others have said he will be used to cracking on with a hangover and presumably won't see MIL during term time so could have stretched himself a little.

How would he know she was there?

I guess I mean he should have been told she was coming and have been expected to get up at least for 2.30 when she was expected.

Which I think he did?

You told her to come at 2.30, she didn't so she was unreasonable to expect a welcoming committee.
Sometimes arriving early happens because people rely on public transport and that just how the buses or trains work out, this happens to me sometimes but I occupy myself.

In these circumstances, I'd have made myself a drink and some lunch and walked the dogs for you while I waited, but then I have a pretty informal relationship with my family and we just get on with things and don;t expect everyone to drop everything the minute we arrive if they are busy.

If all we were doing was lazing around in bed then yes. And it’s hard to believe that the younger DC had that much homework to do that he couldn’t put it off for more than 15mins.

I’m intrigued by this WFH regime that you both work under. I have never witnessed any workplace either at an office or WFH where you are chained to laptops in the way you and your DH describe apart from a factory assembly line. It sounds pretty draconian for office work. How on earth do you manage the loo ? Please don’t say you have to take the laptop with you ?

I think that you have been a little disingenuous. Your MIL turned up early as she doesn’t believe WFH is really working. So you both decided to teach her a lesson by working with no breaks. To underline the message . Which I get. I might have done the same especially if this was not the first time.

You kids, however are just bloody self absorbed, indulged and rude. However it seems you have cultivated and endorse this behaviour.
If my son had got in very drunk at 8am (not many places open and serving alcohol at that time) and his granny was alone in the house he would have got up to say hello . Because he has been bought up not only to indulge his own needs but to also consider others.
We also go by the saying ‘if you can’t do the time don’t do the crime’ .. in other words if you have other obligations such as a visiting grandmother, using a hangover as an excuse to avoid her for hours is just not acceptable .
The youngest son was just plain rude. All he needed to do was spend 90 minutes with her , together with his brother until his dad was free, he had 8 hours before bed to fit in football and homework from first day at college. You seem to be very keen to support their selfishness rather than teach some manners and respect for their grandmother.

DH works in an office and doesn't even finish til 5pm so I end up being late to pick up the kids as she will arrive and want to use the toilet, have a drink, be fed.

When my IL tried this I left on time as one of the kids would have had a melt down so had less capacity to accomodate.

They could stay in the house, come with me if they left now or catch me up. What I wasn't was late for my kids. I think they tried all combinations were not happy especailly when DH was working in office so started coming later on when eveyone was back which worked better for eveyone.

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable.

• She shouldn’t have turned up early and expected to be hosted when she knew you were working
• Your son could have done his college work later and other son could have got up to see her
• You could have finished your meeting promptly as you had booked AL. You just needed to say “I will need to finish at exactly 2:30” at the start of the call
• The dogs could have been walked later
• She could have not thrown her toys out the pram and stayed for dinner.

All in all not great behaviour from anyone.

I’m a bit confused why she was coming for the afternoon on a workday that requires you to book AL if she lives close enough to come for only a few hours and not stay for dinner.

You’ve made up a scenario where two working people were in bed and one came in from collage and also went to bed.

93% that I’m not being unreasonable. Thank you!

Husband has spoken to his mum. He told her that as she turned up 2.5 hours early on a day she knew we were working and we had said the kids may not be free, that she should have looked after herself after being told to help herself to anything she fancies. He also said that she’s wrong to call our children rude when our oldest didn’t even know she was coming and our youngest had plans to do his work after his very important and stressful first day. He told her that if she can’t cope with me being a little late because my work ran over, our dogs needing walking regardless of who visits, and general life still continuing, then she will have to visit less often when we can put a couple of hours completely aside to formerly greet and host her. He said he found it offensive for her to say we made no effort when we spent the whole afternoon chatting to her, bought food in that she likes for lunch (and dinner that she didn’t even stay for), cooked lunch and generally waited on her from 2.30pm.

Her response was ‘well that’s me told’. He confirmed the time of the meal for our son at the weekend and she said ‘am I even wanted to be there’. He told her to stop trying to be the victim, that of course she is wanted, but that she has to be considerate to all of our lives.

He described her as frosty. He ended the conversation saying he had to start work and told her he loves her, so hopefully the meal will be ok.

His dad has messaged him to say that he heard the whole conversation and he doesn’t understand why she has done and said what she has and has told her she needs to apologise. I felt really sad as his dad wrote ‘please don’t fall out with us son’ at the end of his text. My husband said we wouldn’t but that his mum needs to be more considerate and realise we make loads of effort to see them even when we are really busy so it’s hurtful for his mum to say we made no effort.

Those who would have stopped everyone and welcomed MIL where the heck do you work you can randomly drop everything because mil has popped by unexpectedly.
I’d be totally bemused if the person interviewing me left to tend to her mil.
Op says eldest had no idea mil coming he’d been working long hours and staying with gf. If she hadn’t rushed off he’d presumably have seen her at dinner time. He’s an adult home from uni.

Yes I agree with this ^
She absolutely shouldn't have arrived early (as should be pointed out to her) but I think your children were terribly rude.

If you had bothered to actually read my posts you would know that I said it was perfectly reasonable for the OP and her DH to carry on with the work they had to do. It’s the DC that should have pulled their finger out.

Why on earth couldn’t she find a teabag and make herself a cup of tea?

We also go by the saying ‘if you can’t do the time don’t do the crime’ .. in other words if you have other obligations such as a visiting grandmother, using a hangover as an excuse to avoid her for hours is just not acceptable .

She arrived early and he hadn't been warned that the grandmother was visiting.

All he needed to do was spend 90 minutes with her , together with his brother until his dad was free,

Why? She was early.

This is a family that sees each other every couple of weeks and she is only in her sixties, not elderly.

In my family, 'showing respect' to a young grandparent, means treating them as part of the family and not putting on a performance because they visit on a weekday afternoon.

I did bother and I disagree.

You have got a brand new Sixth Former who wants to create a routine and wants to do so from day one. That should be supported.
The other son has been working, out with friends, came in at 8 am and wants to sleep all day. Not rude at all. He’s an adult and it’s his home.
I absolutely cannot bear any guest where they almost need to be sat on a lily pad and given cucumber sandwiches.
Be glad both boys are doing something with their lives.
Be glad both parents have good jobs and are working.
They weren’t rude at all.
Edited - sorry reply wasn’t meant for you!

Well then why are you banging on about working people in bed?

I was starting to wonder if I'd be only one bemused if a interviewer stopped an interview to tend to a unexpected guest.

His dad has messaged him to say that he heard the whole conversation and he doesn’t understand why she has done and said what she has and has told her she needs to apologise

MIL tends to only think about what is best for her - DD1 has similar moments - they tend to be fine though when poiltely pushed back and explained to - so I wonder wtf is going on with your MIL here that she acting like this TBH.

Because you said if “you were all lazing in bed”.

It doesnt matter OP - im not sure what you want a bunch of strangers to tell you? You yourself feel neither you, nor your children were rude or unreasonable, so why bother posting? I dont think you or your husband were btw- the kids could have done better, but then again - you say they did fine, so im not sure what you want from this thread?

Your sons should have made more of an effort for sure. I also would have put off walking the dogs if possible.

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. You're a busy family and you can't drop everything at the drop of a hat.

Sometimes my mum will visit while we're working, as she lives a distance away and she is happy to make a cup of tea and read a book while we work. She knows that our children have hobbies and clubs and won't necessarily be around for the whole visit.

You see her very regularly as well so your husband was reasonable to say that if she wants it to be a dedicated visit, it would need to be less often.

Good for your husband and FIL. I’d definitely knock weekday visits on head. It’s nice you are having a meal on Saturday and inviting her.
I know she’s not that elderly but maybe keep an eye on her about mental decline. My grandma first started with dementia by turning up far too early.
I really disagree that an adult should have needed to get up after 4 hours sleep to entertain her. He sounds hardworking lad and entitled to go out to his leaving do. It’s equivalent of expecting a night shift worker to get up.