MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

I think this is a communication problem rather than "let's punish an entitled mother in law problem". Yes she came early, so surely apologising and giving her time when you are finished work is fine, rather than going off and walking the dog. Surely your kids could have asked her if she wanted Netflix and a cup of tea while she waited. I know you told her after 2:30pm but just explain it to her again. She doesn't understand work from home, so explain it to her. I don't think she sounds malicious. My MIL would do this sort of thing, but she also changed about 1000 nappies on my husband's bum and probably deserves a bit of bandwidth.

This^ is a very good approach

I know you told her after 2:30pm but just explain it to her again. She doesn't understand work from home, so explain it to her.

The women is in her 60s she is perfectly capable of understanding both of these things without the OP or her husband having to explain them to her multiple times.

I cannot fathom how so many posters on here are determined to excuse the MILs behaviour at any cost.

She doesn't understand work from home, so explain it to her.

If she is in her mid sixties she is working age and shouldn't need to have things like this explained to her.

My MIL would do this sort of thing, but she also changed about 1000 nappies on my husband's bum and probably deserves a bit of bandwidth.

?? Again, this is a woman in her mid sixties. Just outside Gen X.

Ye Gods and little fishes.Classic Mumsnet thread. If people can’t be arsed to read the OP’s posts and/or can’t comprehend them, why do they post ? Must be a case of some people have something to say and some people have to say something.

So many daft questions already answered either in OP’s first or subsequent posts and reinforced by other more alert posters, but still posters keep asking the same things, making the incorrect assumptions, ignoring facts, can’t comprehend the concept of interviewing someone online internationally, etc.

Off the top of my head……MIL dictated the day of the week and was told to arrive after 2.30pm, older son didn’t know she was coming because he’d been staying with his girlfriend and didn’t wake up because he could sleep through an earthquake, they see MIL every other week so it wasn’t a rare visit, she arrived 2.5 hours early and was told to help herself to a drink but they wouldn’t be free until 2.30, the dogs were walked at 9.00am so not unreasonable to need another walk after 6 hours.

Was there any explanation for mil arriving early? How often does she come over? Perfectly reasonable for you and DH to finish work and take care of the dogs, but your DC could have done better. I bet if it had been a friend over your youngest would have carved out a bit more time. Terms only just started, it seems unlikely that he has that much work to do that he was going to have to work all afternoon and evening. And your eldest is very lazy to still be in bed into the afternoon, especially with a guest over. He’s going to have to get used to partying all night and still getting up for lectures very soon (unless he’s planning on failing the year). Only excuse would be if she comes over very regularly (ie more than once a week) but that doesn’t sound like the case here.

She came 2 hours early and that really is the end of the argument. You can’t blame kids or dogs or you. My MIL pulls this shit and you have to shut it down. It’s hugely passive aggressive.

Your DH needs to be very clear and firm with her. ‘We told you we were all busy until 2.30 - why on earth did you turn up te hours early’ call it out. Passive aggressive people don’t like it. But it’s the only way.

Your kids did nothing wrong and neither did you. This is all on her.

I wouldn't answer any 'messages'. If someone has a problem - tell me that in the face or call. So I would just ignore it and see what she is like next time.
All conflicts are always better resolved face to face.

I can’t believe people are suggesting OP stop the job interview she was IN THE MIDDLE OF WHEN MIL ARRIVED, in order to inform her eldest that MIL had arrived and even make him a bacon bloody sandwich?! “I’m sorry Mrs Smith, I just need to go make a bacon sandwich to coax my hungover son out of bed, back in a bit” - Can you imagine?!

I quite agree that the MIL was rude to turn up so early.

OP's meeting ran over, so she was only free from 3pm. MIL left at 5:30pm. OP chose to walk the dogs for half an hour during those 2.5hrs. I think it was a choice, and she didn't have to choose that one she did. (I missed the part about MIL supposed to stay for dinner, but it doesn't change my view. It seems she left because she felt unwelcome, which is understandable.) It's fine you think otherwise.

I find your answer very black and white, when there's room for everyone to just be a bit more considerate of each other, as I suggested earlier. MIL could respect other people's commitments by not turning up early. OP could choose to walk the dogs at another time. The younger son could choose to spend a bit more time with his grandmother and do his work at another time (I did read he also had training that day but, in my view, the homework on day 1 is unlikely to have been so extreme that he couldn't have fitted it in at another time). Does he have to spend the whole visit with her? No but, given he and his nan were both home for 4.5hrs, I think he could have afforded her more than a quick conversation.

If the OP's family has such a different view of spending time together than the MIL, then it makes sense not to try and squeeze time together in the way described, but to have a more planned meet up, like the lunch that's planned for the future.

I don't know about you but when we get unexpected visitors the whole house doesn't stop to entertain them.

She arrived 2 hours early, and felt ignored but she was ignored because she came 2 hours earlier than you told her to.
She’s a regular guest who doesn’t need the red carpet laid out for her.
We’ve often gone down my ILs (husbands sister and family), only for one or both of the kids to soon leave because they have plans. Teens often have plans.. being hungover and sleeping is fine, and normal for a boy his age. The other son wanted to do homework- that’s dedication to me!
MIL is totally unreasonable

I'm mid sixties and don't understand your MIL's attitude at all. Working means working and you had agreed 2.30, so that's the time. When I was in my teens, I would always greet visiting family members and usually eat with them but, other than that, I wasn't expected to stick around, either by my parents, grandparents or whoever.

DH can remind her of the agreed time..

I would not have left to walk dogs until later.
My kids would always make Gran a cup of tea and chat. Homework could be done once you and DH arrived home.

Oldest should have woken. He is going back to uni so should have conversed with Gran.
Yes. MIL was early but there were people home who did not keep her company.

I cannot see why wfh is difficult for older or retired people to understand. It is Work, as in not being available, just like being in an office, factory or shop. No different. I know quite a few people like this neighbours, friends, family and have been retired a long time and fully understand the principle of wfh. I don't expect them to be "in" at all ever.

Fair enough. Perhaps the kids could have been more thoughtful. But what DS 'should have' done was not necessarily within OP's remit, given the age he is and the fact that she was still in online meetings and therefore not in a position to give the customary 'be polite' lecture.

MiL knew what time she was expected. She could have made her own drinks and stayed for dinner - she was invited - but instead she flounced. This was after having breached boundaries quite significantly in the first place. Half an hour is one thing: 2.5 hours is taking liberties.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Most of her problems wouldn't have existed if she'd showed up at the arranged time. Your DH would have finished work, made her a drink/food etc. You'd have finished 30 mins later and joined them. Various children might have come down and said hi when they were ready.

I think the dogs probably could have waited, but when my PILs are over I assume I am the last person they want to see out of everyone in our house, so if the dog needed walking here I'd probably have done it too. She was left with her son, what's so bad about that?

But also, it took ages, many years and many repeated instructions of 'feel free to make yourself a tea' before my mum would put my kettle on. She said it's extremely bad manners to touch another woman's kettle/teapot. I told her to get a grip if she wants a tea.

I'm an older person, but I would not dream of turning up two hours before the agreed time and expecting other people to stop whatever they were doing to entertain me. Does the woman not have a phone, a book, a Kindle, some knitting?

My MIL does this to us except she turns up at 5pm when we tell her specifically not to arrive at that time as we have to pick up the kids from nursery and work full time. We say come a bit earlier and come with us at pickup or come at 6.
These occasions are whe she's staying with us a few days so has plenty of time to catch up without the need of coming at an awkward time. DH works in an office and doesn't even finish til 5pm so I end up being late to pick up the kids as she will arrive and want to use the toilet, have a drink, be fed.

You're good taking time off work/finishing a bit earlier for her. Agree with just reminding her you said you were unavailable.

We've also told MIL we aren't available and agree to meet out for dinner only for her to turn up at our house several hours early.

You have my sympathy.

We’ve had to start giving MIL fake times as she always turned up at least an hour early. So in this situation I’d have said - we’re all around from 5…..

And stop all the rubbish about being respectful to elders. She knows exactly what she is doing and it’s staggeringly rude to turn up hours early.

Because they were doing other things and got an unexpected visitor. My Aunt is a “popper in”.

If she comes only I stop what I’m doing. All I expect is a quick hello from everyone else.

I certainly wouldn’t wake someone up!

Well the eldest wouldn’t have had to stop much would he! The reasons for the DC ignoring their grandmother come across as feeble at best. But then I wouldn’t class my mother or MIL as ‘unexpected visitors’. They are cherished members of the family who we all want to spend as much time with as possible.

So you all stop what you’re doing?

I don’t think the children were awful at all.
Yr12 sounds like he’d mentally decided homework will be done after school so not to get in a mess and wanted to start as means to go on. He chatted a bit.
Eldest is oblivious she’s there. He’s worked long hours and been at his leaving do until 8am.
I suspect she still thinks of them as young children.
It reminds me of a post where grandma was was criticising them on family chat. Her 20 yr old granddaughter had worked all day and had plans with bf in evening on her birthday. The family were getting a takeaway before she went out but grandma declined and complained on family chat she hadn’t been invited for her birthday/hadn’t seen her. The grandchild drove over to see gran regularly. Gran just didn’t appreciate she was a working adult and the days of birthday tea parties were long gone.