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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL situation after she arrived early

447 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · Today 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
Raptors · Today 10:10

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · Today 10:07

🤣🤣🤣

I wonder how much older I need to be before I can do this? I’m in my 70’s, and always adhere to times given, if necessary. I will park down the road and wait if I am early, as I feel it’s just as rude to arrive early as it is to be late.

Knock yourself out, this women is only in her 60s and has plenty of people excusing her behaviour so you should be fine if you're already over 70. Grin

ListenToYourSong · Today 10:11

To listen to some people, OPs MIL should be able to rock up early, which is rude, and derail youngest sons plans to do his college work because of it. But it’s somehow OPs son that is rude. Lol.

They have to be trolling! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

EmeraldShamrock000 · Today 10:13

She knows where the kettle and fridge is.

Yetone · Today 10:13

Mumtotornadoes · Today 05:24

"sorry you feel that way, that's why we told you not to come before 2.30"

Exactly, no other explanation is required.

Frostynoman · Today 10:13

I would not be getting into all the ins and outs because the ultimate issue is that you said 2:30 as you know you couldn’t entertain and she came 2 hours early. That’s the end of the argument - she can’t be doing that. Imagine if you were both out doing something, she would have been on the doorstep for 2 hours or realised her mistake and come back at the agreed time. I wouldn’t get into the minutiae, I would just tell her there was a reason she was told 2:30 and she shouldn’t be causing an issue when she was in the wrong turning up early. If there’s any kick back from that then the question is, why didn’t she make herself at home whilst you two were working? Perhaps she could have even walked the dogs?

She sounds as if she has main character syndrome

MyManinCaracas · Today 10:14

I would ignore the text but it’s really up to your DH; she’s looking for something that she isn’t owed (an apology) for an awkward situation that she created in the first place, and she lacks the self-awareness to understand the role she played.

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · Today 10:15

grumpygrape · Today 09:50

I find it interesting that people who think WFH isn't real work but can't understand the money that work brings in is real money. Unless they think all the people who WFH have managed to con their employers into paying them for doing nothing 🤔

I know, right??!! Once I replied 'well, we get paid real money, so........'

PensionPTake · Today 10:16

Yanbu. She was rude to arrive hours early. If she'd been on time your eldest may have been up, youngest would have finished their college work already and dh would have been free to make her a drink since she apparently can't possibly manage that on her own.

Moveoverdarlin · Today 10:17

I can see her point. If I took annual leave and had an afternoon off I would finish at 12.30pm not 2.30pm.

It was clearly a busy day for you and she was expected to slot in - arriving early didn’t help.

But I wouldn’t leave someone in my house for two hours having not offered them a drink, no.

I agree with her point about walking the dogs.

She’s getting older, it might be a big deal for her driving etc, she just wanted a bit of fuss.

ListenToYourSong · Today 10:17

C152 · Today 09:53

Generally, YANBU and, as others have said, meeting up on a Monday was always going to be disruptive for everyone.

I agree with your MIL that you could have walked the dogs later. I understand they need 3 walks a day and they are clearly used to them happening at a set time, but would it have been that bad if they'd been walked at 5:30pm, instead of within the 2.5hrs you spent with your MIL? Also, I appreciate your younger son wanted to do his homework and that is a good thing but, again, as a one-off, I would have sat with my grandmother, at least until you and your DH finished work.

I think everyone (including your MIL) could be a little bit more understanding of each other's needs. In future, I'd also avoid these short visits on days you know are busy, as no matter how hard you try, they're never going to work. Someone is always going to feel put out or put upon.

MIL didn’t have a ‘need’ to turn up 2 hours early or be entertained when she did. It was a want and a very selfish one.

Walking the dogs for 30 minutes out of a 3 hour visit and when OP thought MIL was going to be there for lunch and dinner anyway so much longer really isn’t a problem. She was invited on the walk or could just enjoy time with her son. Why does OP have to be there every second too? That’s ridiculous.

Why should younger son have his plans to work ruined because MIL chose to turn up early? It’s very disrespectful to him.

MIL is the only one that needs to respect others more and be more understanding.

Tailspin8 · Today 10:22

So has a reply been sent yet @DrivingHomeToYou?
Are there any text messages exchanged between you/DH and MIL confirming the time? I’d screenshot that and send with reply.
She needs telling as she’s been rude enough to call you out, or she’ll turn you into the bad guys.

AprilMizzel · Today 10:27

Mumtotornadoes · Today 05:24

"sorry you feel that way, that's why we told you not to come before 2.30"

This.

DH actually started going in on a Friday as his parents couldn't understand WFH and boundaries.

When they were still stopping here over the weekend I got frustrated as they wanted entertaining on a Monday morning when everyone was trying to get ready and out the door. I was politie but firm they were not the prioty at that time.

Over time they've got much better about it all.

BillyBites · Today 10:27

"She’s getting older, it might be a big deal for her driving etc, she just wanted a bit of fuss."

FFS, she's only in her 60s, not 80s.
Bloody hell, the AGEISM on this site from some posters.

SandyHappyPerson · Today 10:27

ListenToYourSong · Today 10:11

To listen to some people, OPs MIL should be able to rock up early, which is rude, and derail youngest sons plans to do his college work because of it. But it’s somehow OPs son that is rude. Lol.

They have to be trolling! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

It is rude of him to be honest, to suit yourself and not even ask a guest if they need anything, it's his grandma not a random person he doesn't know.

I think him going off to do his school work was absolutely fine, but he could have made sure she was sorted before disappearing off, and apologised for not being able to stay with her. It's just basic manners IMO.

Also when OP finally finished work, later than planned, she decided to go out and walk the dogs which was optional, making it even more obvious that MIL was inconveniencing them.

No, she shouldn't have come early, that part is on her, but why even invite her for the afternoon if you're not going to finish till 2:30, if your work may run over and then you have things to do?

Itsthewoluff · Today 10:29

Everything was on her!
Yanbu

SixtySomething · Today 10:31

TheSandgroper · Today 05:31

If she didn’t get the attention she wanted first time around, she’s coming back in for another go. Never reward a tantrum.

'Never reward a tantrum'
FGS.
This is so misogynistic and ageist.
No one is saying she had a tantrum. She was offended that family carried on as normal when she'd made an effort to visit.
Whether she was reasonable or not depends on so much, including the background, which we don't know about.

NancyThompson · Today 10:33

Moveoverdarlin · Today 10:17

I can see her point. If I took annual leave and had an afternoon off I would finish at 12.30pm not 2.30pm.

It was clearly a busy day for you and she was expected to slot in - arriving early didn’t help.

But I wouldn’t leave someone in my house for two hours having not offered them a drink, no.

I agree with her point about walking the dogs.

She’s getting older, it might be a big deal for her driving etc, she just wanted a bit of fuss.

"Scuse me, interviewee, I'm just stepping away to make my MIL a drink"

Also she's not even retirement age.

Differentforgirls · Today 10:34

Moveoverdarlin · Today 10:17

I can see her point. If I took annual leave and had an afternoon off I would finish at 12.30pm not 2.30pm.

It was clearly a busy day for you and she was expected to slot in - arriving early didn’t help.

But I wouldn’t leave someone in my house for two hours having not offered them a drink, no.

I agree with her point about walking the dogs.

She’s getting older, it might be a big deal for her driving etc, she just wanted a bit of fuss.

You would have left a work meeting to make coffee?

SixtySomething · Today 10:34

Moveoverdarlin · Today 10:17

I can see her point. If I took annual leave and had an afternoon off I would finish at 12.30pm not 2.30pm.

It was clearly a busy day for you and she was expected to slot in - arriving early didn’t help.

But I wouldn’t leave someone in my house for two hours having not offered them a drink, no.

I agree with her point about walking the dogs.

She’s getting older, it might be a big deal for her driving etc, she just wanted a bit of fuss.

'she just wanted a bit of fuss.'
Or maybe she just wanted to be acknowledged. Perhaps everyone acted as though she was a nuisance.

DancelikeFredAstaire · Today 10:34

BillyBites · Today 10:27

"She’s getting older, it might be a big deal for her driving etc, she just wanted a bit of fuss."

FFS, she's only in her 60s, not 80s.
Bloody hell, the AGEISM on this site from some posters.

Yep. Apparently once we get past 60 we are incapable of telling the time, lose our ability to make a cuppa, expect to be "fussed" over by people who are busy and a 20 mile drive is simply beyond us.

6784xx · Today 10:35

Moveoverdarlin · Today 10:17

I can see her point. If I took annual leave and had an afternoon off I would finish at 12.30pm not 2.30pm.

It was clearly a busy day for you and she was expected to slot in - arriving early didn’t help.

But I wouldn’t leave someone in my house for two hours having not offered them a drink, no.

I agree with her point about walking the dogs.

She’s getting older, it might be a big deal for her driving etc, she just wanted a bit of fuss.

How can you possibly "see her point" that people who told her (and she agreed) the time they were free, should be dancing her attendance when she decides to rock up 2 hours early?

You must have Main Character Syndrome too

MyOliveViewer · Today 10:36

Is there any chance your DH said we’re free after 2.30 but if you come earlier someone will be around type of thing?

DancelikeFredAstaire · Today 10:37

SixtySomething · Today 10:34

'she just wanted a bit of fuss.'
Or maybe she just wanted to be acknowledged. Perhaps everyone acted as though she was a nuisance.

Well she was a nuisance if she turned up over 2 hours early. Are you the MiL?

something2say · Today 10:37

I think she got a shock that your household is necessarily that busy. She thought she would have a nice time chatting, not factoring in what everyone else is doing at a busy time of their life. I think she was selfish and should think on.

FreebieWallopFridge · Today 10:41

She was 2.5 hours early. It’s her own bloody fault.