MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Generally, YANBU and, as others have said, meeting up on a Monday was always going to be disruptive for everyone.

I agree with your MIL that you could have walked the dogs later. I understand they need 3 walks a day and they are clearly used to them happening at a set time, but would it have been that bad if they'd been walked at 5:30pm, instead of within the 2.5hrs you spent with your MIL? Also, I appreciate your younger son wanted to do his homework and that is a good thing but, again, as a one-off, I would have sat with my grandmother, at least until you and your DH finished work.

I think everyone (including your MIL) could be a little bit more understanding of each other's needs. In future, I'd also avoid these short visits on days you know are busy, as no matter how hard you try, they're never going to work. Someone is always going to feel put out or put upon.

Agree completely with @Maraudingmarauders- it’s a bit of both but one of those things that doesn’t really need to become an issue if both sides can let it go - especially MIL - plan a nice Sunday lunch for you all to go out as a family and have an hour or two together ? Kids as well?

Mine would have done the same, as well as making a cup of tea for the youngest DC, washed up (if any needed doing), text the parents asking if they need anything and played with the dogs.

Basic manners would have started with MIL arriving at the agreed time. The OP and her DH were working. She wouldn't have turned up at an office block would she?

But yes, we are all raised differently, I love the fact that in my house, we don't stand to to attention and my Mum feels comfortable enough to crack on.
I do get that it's not for everyone.

I am in my 60s and am perfectly capable of getting myself a drink etc when visiting my children and will do so. Furthermore I do not expect family to stop what they are doing the moment I arrive, nor do I turn up 2 hours early! (I have a friend who regularly does this and it is awful,) Just take a book and sit in a cafe if you are too early. I actually find the views on here quite patronising towards older people.

However to be fair I do find some people seem to have a thing about helping themselves in other people's houses even when the 'other people' are close family members or even allowing other people to help. Don't get it myself but my Mum was a bit like this she used to tell anyone visiting to sit down, refuse any help etc then moan when they left for them not helping.

Basic manners apply to both parties. As I've said before, the MIL was wrong to arrive early.

Not everyone does jobs that enable them to "step away" from their work because a visitor has rocked up 2.5 hours early.

I could have been representing a client at a tribunal, it would go down like a lead balloon if I asked the judge to adjourn the hearing. I delivered training online too, and it would be really unprofessional to call an unscheduled break to make my MIL a cup of tea.

Your MIL was very rude to turn up so early when you were both working, OP.

I think YANBU, OP. Odd time to visit during the weekday when it’s a normal workday and your children are on a different timetable for the moment with lots going on in their lives. It’s fine if she felt upset or whatever but she should keep it to herself instead of messaging about it and making it a huge deal.

I WFH and had a sibling come by and it was very annoying as I took their visit in my flex that that I have very little of and they kept prattling on and on. Another time they insisted I would be able to duck out for a movie apparently in my work time. I explained I couldn’t do it and finally it all sunk in that WFH is not a day off.

Yang as she turned up early but I completely agree with everything else she said re. walking the dogs later and kids staying in their rooms. That’s just rude

What a load of crap. You have no idea of the bond between them based on this one day.

We can all do that though….If you love somebody, you would realise they’ve had a stressful first day at college and be proud they are keen to do their work. If you love somebody, you would let them get on with their college work to make them feel less anxious ….etc.

OP, husband and kids all had other stuff going on. MIL had nothing to do so just sat around expecting the world to stop because she couldn’t just arrive when agreed or sort herself out for a couple of hours.

She was meant to stay for dinner.

She was the rude one, arriving over 2 hours early.

She should keep her counsel and not say a word.
She's not caused tension and an upset. Much better not to have said anything isn't it.
When will people learn. Be tactful. It's not worth the fallout.

I think your MIL is the one being unreasonable. She came 2.5 hours early and expected everyone to be able to accommodate that. If you’re WFH interviewing or in meetings you can’t just drop everything and it sounds like you did as much as you could.

It’s rude to be very late or early.

You did nothing wrong op and I’m very much a person to be fussing over senior members of the family. MIL is the only parent we have left now, she is notorious for being late. On a famous occasion her SIL turned up an hour early, she had travelled from Wales to London mind and she told her to go away and come back in an hour. Thats the one time I think being early was fine.

She was annoying to turn up early and expect to be waited on

your “children” behaved appallingly

and did you really have to walk the dogs? Honestly, that could have waited

I didn't say otherwise.

I take your point but can I just offer that MIL made arrangements with her son and daughter in law, not with her grandsons. They are both adults with full lives who arrange their own schedule and the older one apparently didn't even know Granny was coming to visit. It's fair enough to arrange the schedule of younger kids who would be part of the visit but that's not the same here. Granny's visit was independent of the grandsons. Why should two busy adults suddenly drop everything to cater for an unexpected (to them) visitor? Everyone on here thinks droppers in are ghastly in general but apparently Granny is an exception to that rule. Would it kill the grandsons to be polite? No, of course not, but it sounds like they were, within reason, and this visit was nothing to do with them, it was between the parents and the MIL. I can't imagine any of you would appreciate your 16 or 17 year olds demanding you drop whatever you're doing to entertain someone they have arranged to spend the afternoon with. If the parents had asked their sons to arrange to be free for Granny's visit that afternoon it would be different but that's not what happened here.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. It’s time for your DH delivered plain home truths again: Mum, we told you to come after 2.30 pm because we knew we would be busy. It’s good for you to do as you please but we have jobs.
If she says something about kids : they are grown ups and have their own obligations.
Tbh my mum would have heart attack at this age from the thought that SOMEONE was needed to make her a cup of tea. My main problem with my mum coming earlier would be her cooking meal for grandkids straight away. MIL wouldn’t cook a meal but would make herself a cup of tea and would offer it to grandkids, tbh she would never ever come earlier even for 10 minutes if DH said to her that he would be busy with work.
added: we are not British

I'm a grandmother and I don't agree. The son chatted about college, just like my granddaughter has chatted about year 7 and new school, but then wants to meet up with friends. I've had my time, I want to see my grandchildren fly. The son going to Uni is an adult and they both deserve respect. She has no respect for her family, who are leading busy lives. She could have come on time and stayed later. If she has nothing to do of a day, that's on her. Like a lot of older, selfish people, she wants entertaining, when she decides. With catch up etc no-one needs to get home for the soaps or whatever their choice of TV.

🤣🤣🤣

I wonder how much older I need to be before I can do this? I’m in my 70’s, and always adhere to times given, if necessary. I will park down the road and wait if I am early, as I feel it’s just as rude to arrive early as it is to be late.

But she was meant to stay for dinner!

It sounds like a miscommunication somewhere. You arranged a visit with her saying you both had the "afternoon off", it was obviously on her for turning up early. but even from 2:30 you acted like she was an inconvenience, your work ran over, then you just had to walk the dogs, your son didn't bother making her a drink and said he had things to do and disappeared off leaving her alone, your other son didn't bother to get up to see her until much later.

I've had this before when someone has said to pop round for a cuppa because they are free, then they've been really busy and bustling round and you sit there like a lemon wishing you hadn't accepted their offer, because they obviously aren't free, but feeling it would be too rude to just leave... it is horrible to feel like you are inconveniencing the people you are visiting.

We host a lot and we wouldn't dream of making a guest feel like this, at least if you arrange a visit saying you are free, don't make them feel like they are putting you out while they are there.

It was annoying she came early.

You and your husband did fine but you could have waited walking the dogs.

Your kids have no manners and you enable them by making excuses for rude behaviour to their grandmother.

If I was the MIL I would’ve apologised for turning up early, seen how busy everyone was and, because I’m proud of how lovely and productive my family are, sorted dinner/walk the dogs/done some ironing etc. until everyone had finished working.

Because that’s what decent families do. She’s not a frail, elderly woman.

When I’ve visited family I’m treated as such and know that, by helping and not being a selfish dick, everyone will have more time to relax and socialise with me and crack open the vino!

My mum did similar (getting stuck into helping) and her grandkids have such a strong relationship with her. Now she’s in her 90s we all, including my exDH, wait on her because she’s built that close relationship.

I’ve turned up early at my foster daughter’s house whilst she’s been busy and instead of moaning I’ve either taken foster GC out, done some housework or nipped out to get some shopping for her whilst she studies/works.

You’ve done nothing wrong @DrivingHomeToYou and I bet MIL wouldn’t like it if you turned up on her sacrosanct shopping day and expected her to entertain you instead?

Can’t believe the people on here who haven’t rtft or think your dogs should shit themselves/teen should have 4 hours sleep/kid not do homework and miss football because MIL can’t work a kettle or figure out the big hand on the clock 🙄