MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Things happen. My kids would have spent time with their Nan to not leave her sat on her own. But as I said, each to their own opinion. The kids were there. One doing homework which could have been done later & the other asleep (who could have been woken up to help out). As I said, families do things differently.

Indeed!

Your post said OP should have told MIL how the afternoon would unfold, even though it was MIL who turned up 2.5 hours early.

Yet you won't say how that makes OP as bad as MIL.

My MIL is like this. She expects everyone to drop what they are doing in order to cater to her. Both me and DH work from home, and she has said in the past that our jobs are not real jobs. She's an extremely spoiled and entitled woman who is rapidly pissing off everyone in her life and we are all keeping her at arm's length.

I think you should let DH talk to her.

Popping out for 30 minutes isn’t rude when you are leaving her with her own son! She was invited on dog walk but didn’t want to go so her son stayed home with her.

One child had work to do and spent time with her when he finished.

One child was oblivious to her even being there but spent time with her when he got up and realised she was there.

I agree with you.

I’m also British and happy to make myself comfortable. When my adult kids come to me they also make themselves a cup of tea sometimes. It’s one of the pleasures of family that you can relax and not be on ceremony.

I would also not be expecting my teen GC to be dancing around me. It’s lovely that they spent so much time with their gran once they had done the task they needed to do/got the necessary amount of sleep.

Give the teenagers a break. I loved my gran at both their ages and I would come and chat to her if she was visiting. I was a right little swot but I would have done my homework later and I even if I was absolutely hanging I would drag my duvet down and make her food and cuppa.

Maybe they don't have much of a relationship with her? The whole turning up before the time agreed and expected to be waited on suggests she behaves more like visiting royalty than a loving Nan. Or she could be an angel and they're just little turds, but the post suggests otherwise.

My parents turn up 3 hours early and I wfh. I'll say 'hi' and disappear into my office. They make coffee and mooch about until the kids get home!

One son was asleep - things happen.

The other son had homework - things happen (and sometimes the volume of homework is such that no, it could not have been done later).

Why is the MIL's rudeness hand-waved away as "things happen" but not the pre-arranged plans of the sons who weren't even party to her visit in the first place?

She could have just turned up at the time she was invited to - that's the easiest thing to rectify rather than waking someone up out of hungover sleep or making someone stress about delaying their work.

Let’s agree to disagree. As I said, families do things differently when things don’t go to plan.

You aren't being unreasonable and the only thing that surprises me is that (unless I missed something) you don't talk about her unrealistic expectations being a longstanding problem.

Did she not know that it was your youngest son's first day of sixth form?

What’s important is what happened before 2.30 and what happened after. Your sons weren’t expecting your mil to be there before so they have every right to crack on with work, not jump out of bed. She was over 2 hours early! What’s important is what happened after 2.30. As long as both your sons were with her from 2.30 and your mil was hosted well then I think that’s fine. I imagine if your mil had turned up at the right time and all 4 of you were ready and in host mode, you nipping out to walk the dog wouldn’t have been an issue. It’s the culmination of it all. I’d reply saying that if she had arrived on schedule you would have been prepared to host her to her expectations.

I think the only thing that was a bit rude was walking the dogs when it was only planned to be a 3 hour visit from her. They could have had a pee at 2.30 when you finished work and you could have walked them when she left at 5.30.

And if the MiL had arrived on time, then the homework may have already been done and there wouldn't have been such a long wait until the eldest got up. She was rude.

Perhaps in future don't arrange visits on a work day, or if you do invite her for dinner instead then run her home. That way work, dog walking and college stuff all done and dusted.

The problem is not you or your husband - you were both working. The problem is your children. Some children don't have a bond with their gp. It is clear there is no love between you dc and gp - if you love somebody, you have to tear yourself away from them to do homework, if you love somebody, you would jump out of bed and run to hug them, to talk to them, to be with them. However this special bond between gp and gc usually only exists with intergenerational living or when children spend all summer hols with their grandparents. But this special bond also has a very negative side - when my SIL mother died, my nephews and nieces grieved the way you would usually grieve for your parent, they could not function for a couple of months and are still seriously affected.

Your eldest definitely could have done better. I wouldn't dream of getting plastered the night before granny visits. But I do love my granny so spending time with her is not a hardship.

And @Differentforgirls

No. She wants to be hosted. That is not the same as needing to be. She is being precious and should get over herself. Deciding not to make herself tea, having been told to, is the behaviour of a petulant child. As is whining about it having turned up 2.5 hours early.

I find it interesting that people who think WFH isn't real work but can't understand the money that work brings in is real money. Unless they think all the people who WFH have managed to con their employers into paying them for doing nothing 🤔

Ultimately, it was MIL’s fault that she was sat on her own for arriving over two hours early. Your husband finished work on time, so no issue there. Your younger son? Hmm, he could have maybe waited until you or your husband had finished work and then slope off to do his college assignments. Presumably he’d still have plenty of time before his football training. Your eldest boy? I bet he had a bit of a headache!
The only really unreasonable part in my opinion, is going off on a 30 minute dog walk when you have a guest. Could they really not have waited a bit, or couldn’t one of the boys have taken them out? Having said that, your DH was there and it is his mother!
I think you just need to reiterate that working from home actually means that you are working and that’s why you specified a time. It’ll probably go in one ear and out the other but that’s all you can do I suppose.

If you all see each other regularly then this will blow over. MIL seems a bit dense about it really. Maybe there are two basic approaches to guests - one is you're welcome to visit but try to fit in with what's going on and the other is let me bend over backwards to host you and roll out the red carpet. Personally I wouldn't want to visit anyone, family or friends, if I thought it was going to be an inconvenience to them.

@Crissy81

‘………always make a big deal out of dropping in, I didnt mind especially as my own parents are stereotypical boomers……’

What does that mean?

He didn’t know she was going to be visiting them!

Yes. I agree with all of this. My first thought's were that A) she thinks people who work from home don't actually do any work, and B) the kids really could have made some sort of effort.
She should not have turned up early though.

Why not? It sounds like the visit was arranged in advance. Does nobody communicate in this family?