AIBU not to tell friend why our kids fell out?

[PigsawJuzzle]

My eldest is Rose, who is now 22.
Her eldest is John, now 23.

I met my friend Sue when John and Rose were partners in a dancing competition about 12 years ago. The kids got on well. Sue and I became friends too and we still are. The kids were mostly friends through highschool. Sometimes they'd drift as teenagers do. They always got on well at family things like bbqs or nye parties.

Late teens, John developed a crush on Rose and told her he wanted to be more than friends. Rose didn't feel the same. She wasn't unkind about it and hoped they would still be friends. There was an awkward patch while John wanted some space and felt embarrassed. Rose missed him, but was absolutely clear that he was a friend and nothing more.

Then John had a massive strop. It was a big romantic gesture that Rose rejected and John felt frustrated that it didn't work. I get it - he was a hormonal teenager with a broken heart - but Rose was very unimpressed and told him very harshly that her answer was NO, and that him having a strop about it was absolutely not okay, and he needed to pull himself together, accept her first no, and not to bother her until he could act like a decent person.

Then they didn't talk for 2 years.

Happily, time passed and they have become friends again. John admits he was a prat. Rose is happy to be friends again. Water under the bridge.

The thing is, Sue doesn't know any of this. While my dd gave me a play by play account of all of it, John never told his mum any of it. All Sue knows is that they must have fallen out, and for a couple of years, family get togethers were awkward, or the kids made excuses not to come.

Sue asked me at the time if I knew what was going on and I said I didn't. Sue knew damn well I did because she knows dd tells me everything.

Now time has passed, Sue has asked me again to tell her what went on. She knows I know. I think she suspects roughly the right idea. I think she wants reassurance that John didn't do anything terrible (which he didn't).

AIBU not to tell her?

I'm not going to tell her. It's not my thing to tell. It's in the past. It doesn't paint john in a great light.

But I also understand why she wants to know and I do feel a bit mean not telling her.

No, your daughter confided in you and it’s not your business to tell. She needs to be encouraged to seek answers from her own son and if he doesn’t want to give them to her then she has to accept that. He may not feel comfortable sharing stories of romantic rejection with his mum, she needs to move on.

I agree with pp. It's not your story to tell. She should ask her son; if he doesn't want to disclose any of it, she should respect that.

Sorry OP, but now that time has passed, the youngsters are now adults, and it was all just typical teenage stuff, then I do think you're being a bit unreasonable keeping Sue in the dark about what went on. She's obviously a bit concerned that her son may have stepped out of line sexually with your daughter, so I think reassuring her that it was nothing like that, is better than keeping a secret about it which will just mean that she continues to worry that her son was/is a sex pest. However, if it will make you feel better, then talk to your daughter about it first, and see what she thinks.

I can see pros and cons in both sides tbh.

I might be tempted to talk to John, assuring him that there's really no issue with you or your daughter, but that you've never told his mum and she's still anguished over it. He can decide whether anyone tells her about it or not. It depends on how close you are to him.

Obviously, this might be a terrible idea, in which case ignore me!

As the mother of a boy - i totally get this mum. She wants to check her son didnt behave inappropriately. As a boy mum, I get these fears too. We tell our sons over and over again how they should behave, but we dont know in truth what they do when they grow up and fly the nest.

The fact her son has always been cagey about it would be increasing her anxiety over it.

Hanging onto this now seems a bit daft. The daughter confided in you, but surely its not a big secret to keep.

At the very least, please tell this woman that her sons not been a total bloody predator and that it was mostly teenage squabbles!

No. I think when your daughter confided in you she'd have reasonably assumed you would not relay it to his mum. The fact it's old news doesn't change that.

If John was happy for his mum to know now, he'd already have told her.

These replies absolutely mirror my flip-flopping.

It is absolutely not my thing to tell. The reason dd tells me everything (and still does) is because she trusts me not to blab. Ever. I value that hugely.

But I do understand Sue wanting reassurance that her son didn't act inappropriately.

Also, thinking about the personalities, I can't absolutely trust Sue to just quietly know and never say a word.

Can’t you just say you don’t know the details but as far as you know it was nothing bad, just a disagreement between them. And suggest if she wants to know more she’ll have to ask her DS as you can’t help any further.

Just give her the general jist without breaking confidences and refer Sue back to her son if she has more questions.

Definitely don’t tell her. There is a good chance that John was given the idea for the big gesture by his mother and she will feel like your daughter is obliged to reciprocate his feelings.

Reassure her that she doesn't have anything to worry about then. She doesn't need to know the details and she is not owed them. She is going to have to trust you.

You said ‘I think she wants reassurance John didn’t do anything terrible’

Have you told her he didn’t? Maybe it’s causing her anxiety. You can tell her that much without blabbing?

Tell her to ask John

I think this is what I need to do.

Tbh I hadn't given it a thought for years and was caught by surprise when she mentioned it recently. Without time to plan or think, I just doubled down on "I'm not sure what happened, it's between them".

Then later I started thinking it through. Hence this post.

I’d be transparent about why you can’t tell her. ‘I can’t be totally transparent as it’d break DD’s trust, but it was run of the mill teenage stuff, nothing concerning. If you want more detail you’ll have to ask your DS.’ I think if you haven’t provided any reassurance at all, she’ll be panicking he might be a sex pest.

No, tell her you know no more than she. You think there was a misunderstanding and it's all sorted.

This would be my line too, maybe adding that it’s clearly all water under the bridge now they are older and friends again. The friend is being a bit unreasonable to still be obsessing over it really.

OP I was involved in a similar dynamic as a teenager with a group I had known since birth as our mums were best friends since childhood.

There were brief crushes and fallings out, and falling back in together as you grow up a bit. However, was made far more bloody awkward when one of them told his mum and all the mums discussed it causing a lot of embarrassment. It made it far worse and what had been resolved became unresolved.

Keep your mouth shut OP. The kids have sorted it out. Nobody was seriously harmed, and in the grand scheme of their friendship this is a tiny blip. Save them both the extra embarrassment. He can tell his mum if he wants to, but sounds he doesn't. All that will happen is John's mum inevitably asking, him then possibly being cross with your daughter, his mum having an extra opinion in the mix.

Real talk OP, don't even get involved in this stuff which includes thinking about it. The kids will probably be mates for decades after you and your pal are long gone, let them preserve that.

I agree that you can give her general reassurance that he didn’t do anything terrible but tell her if she wants more information she’ll have to ask him.

And I think we know exactly why John hasn't trusted Sue with this information.
Play dumb. "Oh god yeah I remember there being some silly teenage falling. Can't really remember but it wasn't anything serious. How lovely they're back being friends. Kids eh?"

Why not just ask DD if she's happy for you to say something vague like John fancied her, DD didn't feel the same so there was a bit of back and forth over it, but that eas all in the past. Or just get her to ask John? Surely none of it is a big deal given it's all done?

Mountain out of a molehill. Ask DD if she minds you telling Sue that her son asked her out. DD likely won’t care. If she does mind, tell Sue that it’s not your place to say anythyng but it isn’t anything to worry about.

@PigsawJuzzle Reassure without claiming insight - "John has blossomed into a lovely young man." Sue knows you know. A statement like this doesn't reveal any detail yet reassures her that, despite your knowledge what happened, her son is still seen in a positive light.

@PigsawJuzzle it’s not hard to share without the details.

’I think John was hoping for more than just friendship at that time, but they seem to have got past that now, so all is back to normal. Nothing to worry about.’

Then tell your daughter she asked and see what she is comfortable you saying 🤷‍♀️