AIBU not to tell friend why our kids fell out?

[PigsawJuzzle]

My eldest is Rose, who is now 22.
Her eldest is John, now 23.

I met my friend Sue when John and Rose were partners in a dancing competition about 12 years ago. The kids got on well. Sue and I became friends too and we still are. The kids were mostly friends through highschool. Sometimes they'd drift as teenagers do. They always got on well at family things like bbqs or nye parties.

Late teens, John developed a crush on Rose and told her he wanted to be more than friends. Rose didn't feel the same. She wasn't unkind about it and hoped they would still be friends. There was an awkward patch while John wanted some space and felt embarrassed. Rose missed him, but was absolutely clear that he was a friend and nothing more.

Then John had a massive strop. It was a big romantic gesture that Rose rejected and John felt frustrated that it didn't work. I get it - he was a hormonal teenager with a broken heart - but Rose was very unimpressed and told him very harshly that her answer was NO, and that him having a strop about it was absolutely not okay, and he needed to pull himself together, accept her first no, and not to bother her until he could act like a decent person.

Then they didn't talk for 2 years.

Happily, time passed and they have become friends again. John admits he was a prat. Rose is happy to be friends again. Water under the bridge.

The thing is, Sue doesn't know any of this. While my dd gave me a play by play account of all of it, John never told his mum any of it. All Sue knows is that they must have fallen out, and for a couple of years, family get togethers were awkward, or the kids made excuses not to come.

Sue asked me at the time if I knew what was going on and I said I didn't. Sue knew damn well I did because she knows dd tells me everything.

Now time has passed, Sue has asked me again to tell her what went on. She knows I know. I think she suspects roughly the right idea. I think she wants reassurance that John didn't do anything terrible (which he didn't).

AIBU not to tell her?

I'm not going to tell her. It's not my thing to tell. It's in the past. It doesn't paint john in a great light.

But I also understand why she wants to know and I do feel a bit mean not telling her.

Just tell her that you respect your grown up children's right to privacy, just as you expect them to respect yours. You can add a brief reassurance that if there was ever anything for her to genuinely worry about, you would give her a heads up. But as there isn't, you feel it's best to let everyone concerned happily get on with their lives.

I agree with a pp, mountain out of a molehill. Just tell Sue it was a silly teenage falling out and nothing worth worrying about. Honestly, it was years ago she needs to let it go.

You can reassure her without betraying either of your children. If she doesn’t already know, you could spell it out for her: let me reassure you John didn’t do anything you need to worry about this many years on. I can’t give you details because I was told whatever I was told in confidence and I know you wouldn’t want me to betray that. Everything is fine, we’re all so happy things are normal, you don’t need to be concerned about anything.

I suspect the reality is that she feels uncomfortable that you know intimate stuff about her son that she doesn’t, and that he won’t tell her about. But that’s between her and her son and you really mustn’t get involved. Not fair on him. He’ll tell her if/when he wants.

Ask you daughter can you tell her, you don’t have to go into big detail, he asked her out she said no. I don’t see why it has to be a big secret. Just teenager stuff

I’d talk to my dd and say I’d like to tell sue that John didn’t do anything inappropriate, no further detail but give her that reassurance.

I concur with others who say you can just tell your daughter and ask her what she would prefer you to do. This way you will reinforce your trust in her and her trust in you and give her a choice.

You may find that she does not care at all that you tell your friend what happened. Or that she'd rather you didn't say. The only right answer comes from her.

She knows you know, so I’d just be honest about the situation. I’d say I hope she understands why you don’t want to go into details of what your DD confided in you, but that you will say that it wasn’t anything really bad, Rose is comfortable being friends again, and she doesn’t need to worry John did anything terrible.

Ask your dd for permission.

Both you and ds sound like massive drama queens
This is hardly a big deal is it

*DD

Yep, this is what I’d do, be honest and say you won’t break DDs confidence but you can tell her that there are no hard feelings between them and she doesn’t have anything to worry about

There's a reason he hasn't said anything. This isn't your story to tell. (And why does it still matter so much to her if it's all sorted now?)

If John wanted his mother to know, he would tell her. Sue must accept that he does not want her to know about this episode in his life (it is rather humiliating; he behaved very badly). I understand her curiosity but she needs to get the better of it.

Another that wouldn’t break your dds confidence but as a mum of boys it is terrifying sometimes being paranoid that the reason eg your ds broke up with someone could potentially be that he did something/ said something really awful but as others said she should know from the fact that everything is ok now that this isn’t the case

I would just say they fell out. Which is the truth.

She could ask his son?

You’re making a mountain out of a normal teenage drama. Just tell your mate. It’s not like your johns Bessie mate, you’re his mums!

I’d be vague and give scant details. ‘It’s hard sometimes for boys and girls to be friends and they had a patch where they really struggled. Nothing bad happened on either side as far as I know and happily they’ve both grown up since and put it behind them’.

She doesn't need to be told all of the details. Just "unrequited feelings".

No, there will be s reason he didnt confide in her. You have done the right thing. Sadly, she may have been behind all the romantic gestures

This. You dd's trust is more important than her anxiety. She needs to ask her son. Ornyou could discuss it with your dd first, see how she feels about it now. Don't discuss it with John- again it would betray your dd.

I think you've made things seem worse than they were by lying about it at the time. You could have reassured here then that nothing terrible had happened without giving away any details. Why did you lie? Poor woman probably thinks its something awful simply because no one will tell her anything.

As it is I agree with the other posters who are saying just ask your daughter if she minds you telling her now. It was years ago and they have both moved on so I don't see why she would. He had a crush, it wasn't reciprocated and things were awkward for a while. No huge explanation required. I really don't understand why that's such a big deal.

If your daughter doesn't want her to know then vague reassurance is fine. "It's not my place to tell you but don't worry, neither of them did anything wrong".

Tell her it's not your story to tell and she can ask her son for the details. She's putting you in an awkward spot instead of John, which is unfair.

This seems to me like a textbook "least said, soonest mended" situation. Nothing much out of the ordinary happened, and I wouldn't even ask your daughter because that turns it into some huge secret that needs managing, instead of leaving it on the past.

I don't think you've said that Sue explicitly asked if he did anything wrong, so that might be just assumption on your part. If she really is that worried, she can ask him- or even Rose, who is an adult.

Honestly, I think the PP who said to play dumb was right. Let time do its work and the young people get on with their lives.

And I think you should take great pride in having raised a daughter with both clear boundaries and the ability to forgive where appropriate.

Your friend will be imagining the worst. Just tell her fgs. You don't have to go into all the details. Who is served by her being kept in the dark? How exactly does it help your DD, and how could she possibly be harmed by you summarising what went wrong to the mother?