AIBU not to tell friend why our kids fell out?

[PigsawJuzzle]

My eldest is Rose, who is now 22.
Her eldest is John, now 23.

I met my friend Sue when John and Rose were partners in a dancing competition about 12 years ago. The kids got on well. Sue and I became friends too and we still are. The kids were mostly friends through highschool. Sometimes they'd drift as teenagers do. They always got on well at family things like bbqs or nye parties.

Late teens, John developed a crush on Rose and told her he wanted to be more than friends. Rose didn't feel the same. She wasn't unkind about it and hoped they would still be friends. There was an awkward patch while John wanted some space and felt embarrassed. Rose missed him, but was absolutely clear that he was a friend and nothing more.

Then John had a massive strop. It was a big romantic gesture that Rose rejected and John felt frustrated that it didn't work. I get it - he was a hormonal teenager with a broken heart - but Rose was very unimpressed and told him very harshly that her answer was NO, and that him having a strop about it was absolutely not okay, and he needed to pull himself together, accept her first no, and not to bother her until he could act like a decent person.

Then they didn't talk for 2 years.

Happily, time passed and they have become friends again. John admits he was a prat. Rose is happy to be friends again. Water under the bridge.

The thing is, Sue doesn't know any of this. While my dd gave me a play by play account of all of it, John never told his mum any of it. All Sue knows is that they must have fallen out, and for a couple of years, family get togethers were awkward, or the kids made excuses not to come.

Sue asked me at the time if I knew what was going on and I said I didn't. Sue knew damn well I did because she knows dd tells me everything.

Now time has passed, Sue has asked me again to tell her what went on. She knows I know. I think she suspects roughly the right idea. I think she wants reassurance that John didn't do anything terrible (which he didn't).

AIBU not to tell her?

I'm not going to tell her. It's not my thing to tell. It's in the past. It doesn't paint john in a great light.

But I also understand why she wants to know and I do feel a bit mean not telling her.

Have you told your DD that she has asked? Could you ask DD if you can share the information?

@PigsawJuzzle Tell Susan that you can not tell her anything your dd has told you in confidence. What you can say though is that it's nothing major and the kids are now friends and reassure her that nobody did something terrible to anyone- it was a teenage thing- they fell out and now all is good. If she wants to know more she has to ask John but that would be stupid since everything is fine now and the kids have moved on.

Then l think you’ve answered your own question OP. The trust between you and your DD is the most important issue here - she shared this with you in confidence so it’s not appropriate to repeat it.

It’s also not something Sue’s DS was comfortable sharing with her, so you need to respect his decision too, not least because his misgivings about telling her may mirror your own in that she can’t be trusted to keep the information to herself.

If Sue mentions it again l’d be inclined to tell her it was nothing terrible and has since been forgotten - and that she should respect her sons’ decision not to tell her, just as you have respected the confidence of your DD.

I wish I'd thought of this in the moment when she asked!

Yes I agree - use the fact they are friends now to indicate nothing serious happened and no one behaved terribly.

I would mention to your DD that Sue is concerned about what happened and would you feel ok if I told her.

Just tell her a very brief account. He had a crush and was rejected so they had a time out from each other while the dust settled, nothing bad happened and that’s that.

Ask your DD if you can tell Sue the bare minimum - so John asked Rose out, she didn't like him in that way, John took it a bit badly, it was awkward for a while, but they are great friends again now. Reassure her that John didn't do anything wrong, it was just a teenage crush thing.

and then say that it is in the past and you don't want to bring it up again.

I’d just reassure Sue that her son didn’t do anything inappropriate so not to worry about that and say it was a typical teenage fall out, but I’d stop there. It’s up to John if he wants his mother to know the details of it, most teenagers wouldn’t want their parents knowing their big romantic gesture got rejected.

I agree that it's not your story to tell and that if she wants to know what went on she should ask John, but clearly he's embarrassed about it and won't tell her. I think I would reassure her that yes, you do know and no, it's nothing terrible, just standard teenage stuff and then refuse to say anything more.

It's a bit odd she's asking about it after such a long time. It could mean nothing but it could mean something has happened and she's wondering if that's what happened with your DD.

"Its not my story to tell"

Once you tell her a few things, she will just want to know more and more. Best to not go down that road. Why rehash would happened years ago.

She is probably feeling left out of the loop as her son didn't tell her how he felt and what happened at the time. Maybe her DS is still struggling with unrequited love but on the face of it is still friends with your DD.

Just say it was years ago, you don't what happened exactly either but great they are friends now.

Tbh I'd probably just tell her that John fancied Rose, but she didn't feel the same so it was awkward for a while. Keeping it a big secret and saying you can't break Rose's confidence makes it sound like something really awful, not something very common and normal. I find it astonishing that Sue didn't realise John fancied Rose tbh!

Or why not ask Rose if she'd mind you saying this to Sue to stop Sue worrying? She might not care anyway!

Whilst I understand your loyalty to your DD, I also think your friend deserves some sort of reassuring explanation because she knows you know and by not saying anything, she’s bound to assume the worst.

Tell her that as far as you remember it was just a silly teenage falling out over differences of opinion and that her son didn’t do anything wrong and they’ve both grown up now and get on well so obviously it wasn’t anything serious.

Yep, this is just trivial and there are so many non detailed responses that the op could give that it baffles me as to how this is post worthy e.g. “It’s always tough when one side catches feelings and the other is just interested in a friendship but they’re great mates now so no harm done”.

Keeping quiet is making the other mum imagine something way worse than what actually happened. Very melodramatic.

But by doing that she’s breaking her DD’s confidence, and also that of Sue’s DS. OP has said she’s reluctant to tell Sue what happened because she knows she won’t keep it to herself. DS probably had similar reasons for not telling her himself.

I would do this. Don’t provide details, just broad reassurance.

This. She would not only be breaking DD’s confidence, but also disrespecting DS’s decision not to tell his mother, and for that reason I think DD’s permission isn’t the whole issue. OP should maybe remind Sue that what happened is between John and Rose, and confirm was nothing terrible - as evidenced by the fact that they both got past it and are still friends.

Reassure her that her son was fine and all water under the bridge. But also tell her no details and just explain, it's not your story to tell. She may well respect you for it.

It's easier to be clearheaded and objective when you are not part of the discussion - that's why mn is great for advice. It's not too late to tell her if she brings it up again. As pp poster said; your daughter sounds mature and kind-hearted- you've done a great job!

You could just say John had a crush on Rose but she just wanted to be friends which made things difficult for a while. No need to go into romantic gestures and strops.

So her son fancied your daughter, made a romantic gesture that failed; how exactly does that not 'paint him in a good light?'

Sounds like you are making a big drama out of her son fancying your daughter all those years ago.

No good can come from telling her in my opinion.

It's unfortunate that John never told her but that's his choice. Imagine John's reaction when he finds out you told her.

Also don't play it down, it was a big enough deal to dd that they didn't speak for two years. It wasn't a case of him fancying her, her not reciprocating and they fell out. So don't lie.

I wouldn't even ask DD. Just let it lie and fob her off.

She’s worried her son acted like a sex pest or was ungentlemanly
you must reassure her that he did not
you must relay the basics of what happened