AIBU not to tell friend why our kids fell out?

[PigsawJuzzle]

My eldest is Rose, who is now 22.
Her eldest is John, now 23.

I met my friend Sue when John and Rose were partners in a dancing competition about 12 years ago. The kids got on well. Sue and I became friends too and we still are. The kids were mostly friends through highschool. Sometimes they'd drift as teenagers do. They always got on well at family things like bbqs or nye parties.

Late teens, John developed a crush on Rose and told her he wanted to be more than friends. Rose didn't feel the same. She wasn't unkind about it and hoped they would still be friends. There was an awkward patch while John wanted some space and felt embarrassed. Rose missed him, but was absolutely clear that he was a friend and nothing more.

Then John had a massive strop. It was a big romantic gesture that Rose rejected and John felt frustrated that it didn't work. I get it - he was a hormonal teenager with a broken heart - but Rose was very unimpressed and told him very harshly that her answer was NO, and that him having a strop about it was absolutely not okay, and he needed to pull himself together, accept her first no, and not to bother her until he could act like a decent person.

Then they didn't talk for 2 years.

Happily, time passed and they have become friends again. John admits he was a prat. Rose is happy to be friends again. Water under the bridge.

The thing is, Sue doesn't know any of this. While my dd gave me a play by play account of all of it, John never told his mum any of it. All Sue knows is that they must have fallen out, and for a couple of years, family get togethers were awkward, or the kids made excuses not to come.

Sue asked me at the time if I knew what was going on and I said I didn't. Sue knew damn well I did because she knows dd tells me everything.

Now time has passed, Sue has asked me again to tell her what went on. She knows I know. I think she suspects roughly the right idea. I think she wants reassurance that John didn't do anything terrible (which he didn't).

AIBU not to tell her?

I'm not going to tell her. It's not my thing to tell. It's in the past. It doesn't paint john in a great light.

But I also understand why she wants to know and I do feel a bit mean not telling her.

This, set her poor mind at ease. It’s hardly a big secret.

I think you’re feeding into the teenage drama.

”Your son wanted to date Rose, she said no. They fell out for a bit.” End of story.

It’s honestly not that deep.

I would be concerned that another woman has complained about his behavior and that's why she's so eager to have the details.

I would keep saying it's not your story to tell or something similar.

No. My mantra is not to get involved with the other parent and stay out of it. Always 2 sides of a story but not yours to tell. It could cause problems with your DD

I think the exact opposite (except for your final paragraph which I completely agree with). "Least said, soonest mended" can't apply to a situation that has already dragged on for years. It's the refusal to talk about it that has turned it into a big secret, how will playing dumb help?

I think there's something missing from the story because I don't understand why this very ordinary teenage situation has become such a big deal.

Stay out of it. If John wanted his mum to know he'd tell her.

I agree with this more or less. But if I was John's Mum I would want to know to make sure he hadn't behaved inappropriately. Can't you just hint at the reason without spelling it out.

The two adults at the centre of it don't seem to think it still needs talking about, and I'd be taking my cue from them.

I don't think we've been told anything about what they think about Sue being told. That's why so many people are saying to just ask Rose if she's happy to tell her. It's clearly still bothering Sue so, as her friend, I would want to reassure her (without breaking any confidences, of course).

Can’t you be reassuringly vague. “Oh I think John had a bit of a crush on Rose but she didn’t feel the same- that’s all I know”.

No;
Because you only have 1 side of the story.

John won"t thank you. If he wanted to tell his mother - he would.
You will stir up something that has settled.

The older I get, the more I appreciate the truth of this saying: 'Least said, soonest mended.'

Honestly, anything you say about this will just drag you further in - Sue will want more detail, more reassurance, or will misunderstand so you'll feel compelled to explain more - and boom, this silly issue from the past, which is now fine, will have been stirred up and made into a Big Thing between at least four people!

Sue - and you - should stay out of their adult relationship. If Sue has problems with her son, she should sort them out herself and not drag you and your DD into it - because she will be looking for someone to blame, or to take on the burden of absolving him... It's unsavoury, Sue, back off!

Ha! I see someone else has already quoted 'Least said, soonest mended'! I hadn't thought of that phrase in years, just shows it's appropriate in this case! 😏

If she's asked you and you've refused to tell her it's not surprising she's thinking the worst or else why is it being kept from her? It now seems like a bigger deal than it was. I think I'd tell her you know, it's not your story to tell but it's nothing to worry about and John didn't do anything wrong.

I think it’s fine not to tell her, although I think it’s also fine to give her the reassurance she is looking for by giving some information. I’d say something like - “I think John had a bit of a crush on DD which made it difficult for them to be friends for a while. Just one of those things really. The fact they are friends again now should give you comfort that nothing terrible happened. I don’t feel comfortable talking in more detail as I’m breaking DD’s confidence.”

Surely just say this? I think you are making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be.

Rather than pretending I didn’t know, I’d be honest that I knew but didn’t feel it was my place to tell. You could then at least tell her that his behaviour wasn’t ideal but that he didn’t do anything untoward or overly worrying - that’s probably her main concern

I don't understand what the big deal is here. Can't you just answer "John wanted more of a relationship than Sue did and for a while it was easier for both of them to be apart than want different things from the relationship."

Exactly. By you repeatedly refusing to answer her she is probably imagining that something terrible happened. Why on earth haven't you told her the basic story that he got a crush on her, she didn't feel the same way and it was awkward for a bit. Thats all you need to say instead of drawing it out. All this 'not my story to tell' dramatic nonsense is ridiculous. Its almost as if you enjoy holding this over her.

It all sounds like drama to me.

Why is she still harping on about it 2 years later? They were teens. The fall out could have been about anything?!

And the real reason was so insignificant anyway. Boy likes girl, gets rejected, strops about it. So what?!

Just tell Sue you have no idea and whatever it was, was probably just normal teenage stuff. How can two grown up women get involved in that?

Tbh I would just keep denying that you know.
She suspects that you know, but you haven’t confirmed that. I would keep it this way.
Once you confirm that you know but won’t tell her, that could affect your friendship, even just quietly.
Keep saying you don’t know and it’s between them.
If she wants to come out with it and says “he didn’t assault her / get her pregnant / insert other worry -did he?” you can say “I’m sure Rose would have told me if that happened and she’s said nothing like that. I really don't think so”.

I'm hardly making a big deal of anything. Or 'holding it over her'. Lol. I haven't given it a thought for years. Total non issue and none of my or Sue's business. She caught me off guard mentioning it recently and in the moment I just said I didn't know.

This thread had made me realise though that I think the reason I don't t just give Sue some sensible explanation is because John has quite deliberately never admitted any of it to Sue. Sue can get in a bit a flap about things. I can imagine her mentioning it to John now if I told her. No one needs that! Especially as they are now friends again.

However, I will be sure to emphasise that I don't know anything that concerns me or that might concern her. I'll be reassuring, but I won't tell her.

Why don’t you ask your daughter? Tell her “mum keeps asking, and has brought it up again” thinking she’s probably worried he did something out of line and what to tell her.
she will probably laugh and wonder why you’ve never at least put her mind at rest.
you only had to say, “I’m not actually sure of the logistics but, nothing bad happened just a spat, which they’ll get over in time, like friends do!”
she’s probably has all sorts running through her head!

Gosh. So many replies. Wasn't expecting so many. Thank you all for all the different perspectives. It's been helpful.

And especially thank you to the poster who praised my lovely dd's boundaries and forgiveness. She's pretty awesome 🥰

Perfect answer.