AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

[NavyRobin]

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

So he deliberately lowered his school: teacher’s expectations so he could give them the finger?

how disappointing

ypur in laws and husband will probably want to bail him out next year when the money is gone

His teachers 'fucked him over', what you think they had some sort of vendetta?

They gave an assessment of his grades based on what they knew of him

He then proceeded to do purposely badly in tests and mocks and sat back and let his parents be badgered by school about his bad attitude and attainment

All as game play. Nasty. And stupid actually. What does it prove, what does it achieve exactly?

His teachers will have predicted what his work uo to tha5 point suggested was realistic, plus usually a little benefit if the doubt. Four different teachers (at least x each subject probably had more tha. One) came to that conclusion at the time. After tha5 he worked incredibly hard and did better than predicted. It can happen. It’s nobody’s fault and can be rectified by what the boy is doing - a gap year and reapply to unis with higher requirements (if that’s wanted - not everyone wants that).
Deceiving both teachers and parents and then swearing at teachers will have done him no favours. As a PP has said, the staff will have to do his school reference on the new applications and there are sections about attitude and behaviour…

You are not being unreasonable and there is a danger of him becoming unpleasantly entitled and wasting opportunities. The working in secret at home is deceitful and means that some of the time the teachers spent trying to help him and contact you could have been spent on somebody who needed help.
My concern would be that he ‘works’ in his father’s business but doesn’t actually do a lot of work. I would want your DH to be on board with making sure that he doesn’t just play the bosses son and actually is expected to do whatever he is being paid for.
I would be charging him rent while he is earning and would tell him very clearly that with the amount he is being given by grandparents you will only be funding his accommodation cost at uni. All food, clothes, going out etc is for home to find.

I think you are fundamentally clashing with your hudband here, a lot of your sons behaviour seems to be encouraged by him? I can see why he did it but also think he should have been encouraged to rise above it...I can understand having one awful teacher but three or four that he didn't get on with? Sounds like the issue is him. And whilst everyone wants to, the 'ha in your face!' reaction is a bit immature

The job is difficult as a lot of people would find it difficult to turn down a job in a field related to their career. I do think I'd speak to your husband and try and make sure he is on the same page as treating his as a proper employee and make these expectations clear to him, it will not do your son or your husband any favours if he is seen to pay his son more than others on a similar salary and / or let him get away without finishing stuff or doing stuff to a good standard, getting in late etc

The money I completely agree with. If they're rich enough that they are likely to be able to contribute to things that will affect his long term quality of life in the future (eg house deposit, pension etc) then if they're happy enough for him to piss away £34k+ then I guess that's up to them. But I'd be very uncomfortable on an 18 year old buying a car upgrade and wasting it on lots of other things they don't need - unless your family is super rich it's setting him up to have expectations of a lifestyle that just isn't sustainable, and is teaching him really poor habits around money, saving etc. He could ha e still celebrated / spent, a much smaller sum. Most adults would agree that they'd have made much better choices with money at 28 than at 18. I'm not sure what you can do about it though other than speak to them directly and ask if there is a way it can be saved or ringfdnced for him for something more to help his future eg property.

His logic makes no sense, if he’d stuck in at school he’d have been predicted high grades, and your husband sounds horrible, and teaching his son to behave as he did.

and gifting 44k to a lad who doesn’t have the sense to invest is batshit, but I guess there is more where that came from.

the job is fine, the messaging is not. The issue he will face op is he will get to uni and be with all students at his level and above. It will be a different animal and he will need to work continually.

of course you’re not wrong, but it’s the attitudes his family are teaching him thays abhorrent. Giving his head of year the finger and laughing in his face, is just awful

Teenage boys can be absolute wallies but the lack of respect from your son to his teachers is concerning, especially if backed up by your DH.

His results are great but I do know several kids who’ve got similar. In other words it needs to be put in context. And if he had to work like stink to get them, I don’t think Oxbridge is for him.

It’s insane that the grandparents would be showering him with gifts for this, too. I’d be insisting that they invest any further gifts rather than letting your son behave like a latter day LoadsAMoney.

I think your son is an idiot. I think your husband is an idiot. I think that if there ever comes a time when your DS is unable to rely on the safety net of his father and his grandparents, he’s going to be utterly fucked because he does not have the skills to cope with the lows that life throws at almost everyone.

Did he not think for a second that a uni would compare his predicted grades to his actual grades and think that his actual grades may have been a fluke? Or even if he confessed to them what he’d done, they could think that he was an immature twat and not a reliable student? Someone who could drag down their averages simply because he took umbrage at a lecturer? The arrogance he’s shown here is pretty worrying.

Uni, and saving during a gap year, can often be the first chance a teen gets to learn how to economise, and the value of a pound. His grandparents have just ensured he won’t learn this lesson. Instead, they’ve gifted him a house deposit or freedom from repaying tuition fees for years on end and he’s just thrown that chance away because he believes that there will always be more money coming. What will he do when they’ve passed away, the inheritance has dried up and his job has been replaced by AI? (Or, more likely, he’s been sacked because he’s a bit of a twat?).

I can see how working in his chosen field would be better for him than working in a supermarket. But will he be learning the business from the bottom, or will he be going in as the bosses son and expecting the privileges that come with that? If that’s the case, then you’re harming him more than helping him. Your DH has taught him that he’s ‘better’ than working in a supermarket? No he’s not! What has he achieved for himself other than some good exam results? It’s not like he’s got a gap year job in his chosen field on his own merits. He’s not driving around in a flash car because he’s earned it. It’s all been handed to him on a plate. He’s not better than anyone.

God help his future spouse because she’s in for a time of it if hard times hit.

I wonder what will happen in the world of work where he has a probation assessment or yearly review, however they do i at this company and he is graded in opposition to his belief about himself

What will he do then, how will he manage this situation?

And conversely, if he is required to grade others, or assess some work, QA some work, does he understand the responsbility within that, and why and how teachers have to assess and grade?

Lots of work is needed here to ensure he doesnt turn into a shit.

You think it's good to fuck with teachers? Why? For doing their jobs?

Rebel without a cause springs to mind. Being rude to people who are just trying to do their jobs and get the best out of their students. And who can recognise someone taking the piss.

I'd suggest 6 months working for your DH and using your DH contacts to find an alternative employer. Whilst PP are right that the engineering experience is positive, its going to be pretty obvious at any subsequent interviews elsewhere he was "working for Daddy". That's not an attractive quality in an employee. He can say, "I worked for my Dad for a bit to get my foot in the door but actually I wanted to prove I could do it on my own so got a job somewhere else". THAT would impress me as a future employer.

In terms of the behaviour at school, I wouldn't have been so rude but I would have said something passively aggressively. The teachers predicted grades have cost your son a year really. You can acknowledge the school were rubbish without condoning smug entitled behaviour.

As for the money,
(1) How is university going to be paid for? I'd not be covering tuition fees and living expenses if he was frittering away money now. I do think that you probably missed a trick when he was younger teaching him the value of money but, you are where you are, and better to start somewhere. You and your DH need to be on the same page on this. Either he saves the rest and covers tuition or he saves money from his year out.

(2) You should be charging rent whilst he's at home (put it in a savings account if you must for a future house deposit once he's less of a twit). Stop paying mobile phone contracts and petrol etc. If he's working, he should be paying board. He should be contributing to the home in terms of cleaning and tidying too. You need a set of ground rules if you are all living together as adults. I mean, think about his future spouse. No one wants to live with a man child.

I say this as a professional who lived at home for a bit in similar circumstances and who now employs and works with graduates (law). My husband has his own engineering firm. He recently said they have two Cambridge graduates and one Graduate Apprentice from an underprivileged background. He rates the Graduate Apprentice much higher.

That's the other thing to look at. Firms like Dyson offer Apprenticeships with University schemes included. They are INSANELY COMPETITIVE (the person I know who got a second round interview got 11 Grade 9s and 5 A* at A Level). Your son should apply for those. Not least as if he gets rejected it might put him in his place. If he gets accepted, he has the option of a graduate job without the costs.

Certainly until after Christmas, especially if he has a staff discount card, does it include JOhn Lewis too???

My grandparents gave me £2000 at 18. Honestly I wish I’d had it later, at least 21, possibly 25. It was a long time ago, in the 80s so more money in real terms. I spent it all over my first year at university, some on rent but the rest on silly things like clothes.
Having a large chunk of money at 18 is not good for anybody.

Because he caused his parents to worry needlessly for him to then stick his middle finger up at his head of year. Sorry OP, he sounds awful, calculating and entitled.

The money is a massive amount. I suppose at 18 he’s technically an adult so you can’t tell him what to do with it, nor tell your in laws. You could suggest some sensible use but maybe it will end up being a life lesson down the line when he’s struggling with no savings (as long as they don’t just bail him out again)

The school thing is interesting. A kid doesn’t get those kinds of grades by accident. I can understand why someone that bright would feel pissed off by being underestimated like that and ended up deciding to do well in spite of them. Somewhat deceitful maybe but I’m impressed at how well he managed to do with no support. Had the school just written him off without taking into account his abilities? A lot of the time teachers work very much on the premise of “give a dog a bad name and hang him” In this case, I can see how the school has to bear some blame for it.

Ahh my son did this, scored purposefully badly on his English end of year, at end of year 7 and didn’t bother all year or do any homework… despite being way above average in his sats and at primary had a reading age of 16.
he got a nasty shock when his report came out that he was graded as a reading age of 7, and put in an after school emergency intervention for kids who can’t read properly… which he was absolutely outraged about then did his whole years homework in one weekend😂😂😂😂
anyway, back to your point… ai think the money is excessive, can you give him some books to read like Rich Dad Poor Dad and other investment and money management books. Or get him a course. He could do a lot with that money but it seems he hasn’t a clue what to do with it. Financial literacy is really important. I wish someone had told me these things when I was that age.
with regards to working with his dad that does sound like a good idea.
with regards to uni applications.. well this is the hard lesson he has had to learn.

Can’t help wondering what the responses would be like if it had been a daughter rather than a son….

Your son and your DH both sound quite unpleasant, like spoilt rich kids. Maybe your son could join the Bullingdon club at University. He sounds like Boris Johnson and his cronies when they were at Oxford.

Had his grades been exactly what was predicted, it would be all the teachers' faults too. I recall one girl who was bone idle and horrid, meeting her mother did explain a lot, when she got an almost top grade I felt so annoyed because she didn't deserve it! This boys' 'fucking with his teachers' would also have been detrimental to the rest of the class when a teacher had to waste time on him.

He does realise that the school write a reference on his UCAS form? I doubt they'd stick the boot all the way in as he's gone and ultimately it reflects well on them if he gets into Cambridge -- but I wouldn't want to gamble my future on that!!

So he deliberately lowered his school: teacher’s expectations so he could give them the finger?
how disappointing

I've had it with mine though younger ages - think if they do not do well they show teachers who they dislike or can't get on with. Taken sitting down and making it very plain the teachers really do not care about their results - they are one of many over years - and they need to buckel down and work hard for their own sake. OP DS seems to have figure that out on his own.

If OP Ds did do what he says - he's only delayed himself going to uni by 12 months - TBH maybe he was reacting to too much pressue on him - maybe it's all bullshit to cover up he's embassed or frustrated he was underestimated- who the fuck knows.

TBH I think the money more an issue because while he's not behaving great with it it could open doors to much worse as PP have mentioned - and becuase OP DH and IL do not have same attitude as OP does to it.

I worry for the people he encounters in the future whom he believes have slighted him. What will be their 'punishment'? I'm sorry to say, OP, but he sounds vindictive and calculating. I'd be concerned, especially as the message that he is receiving from his father is that it's okay to be and behave like this.

Now results day his head of year was confused and he goes over to him and laughs in his face and puts his middle finger up at him. DH found it funny and was encouraging him

Wow. He sounds like a spoiled brat. He isn't learning anything here about work ethic, respect for elders or authority, or working hard for money.

I predict he won't go to Uni and will reply on handouts forthwith.

Well done for seeing what no one else in your family is seeing. Truly awful.

Who’s paying for university, OP?

If he were my child I’d be thoroughly ashamed of his behaviour. Your Son sounds like an entitled Brat. I’d be very concerned about his behaviour, regarding his Teachers/exams. Then again he’s probably always going to be bailed out by his Dad, Grandparent’s.