AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

[NavyRobin]

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

Working for his Dad is fine.

the money is annoying but may be a lesson for him to learn. Unless gps are really rich and keep on bailing him out.

But the attitude to school is appalling.

will he need a reference from a teacher for his UCAS application?

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I would be horrified if my DS behaved like this. He's decided - carelessly or thoughtlessly - to make other people's lives difficult and has been massively rewarded for doing so.
I'm not just thinking of teachers here, I'm thinking of the other students in his classes, without his massive advantages, trying to study for their A-levels while he clowned around and took up time and attention.
I would also be very worried about the sort of young man I'd raised. I'd be insisting he spends a great deal of this year doing something that would improve his immaturity and entitlement - volunteering in some way, for example.
But your biggest problem is your DH and family. They clearly think this sort of behaviour is fantastic and are showing him that. Are they generally thoughtless, careless of others and entitled, too?

If he did maths and further, there is no conceivable way that his grades are down to luck on exam day and the university will know that. Either he did the work or he's seriously good at maths, either of which is good enough.

Just my 2 cents.

1. Nice problem for him to have
2. The deliberately skewing the results (I think) is BS and he is fronting. He will have panicked and had to put the work in last minute, which is very achievable at A-level but starts to get more difficult at uni and then more so at work (I got a predicted E based on arseing around; ended up with an A once the last minute panic registered). At least he took his exams seriously and I would rest assured that that will probably be his approach to his further studies and career. He will be ok

This only started because his teachers would not predict him As and A stars only one teacher was willing to and that is his favourite teacher who did contact us and say not to worry he will do just fine, he is just upset. Which was why we were quite relaxed especially with the fact that at home he would always revise, go to the library, ask me to test him on stuff, do past papers etc so it was different to what some of his teachers were saying, turns out he was just acting out at school due to the UCAS predicted grades

I did something similar and for much the same reasons. My mocks went so badly my teachers advised my parents that I should drop at least one subject as I wasn't capable. I took massive umbrage at this and finally knuckled down at revision stage ( so no longer under my teachers direct supervision) and got very good results. I didn't put my finger up to my teachers but was very tempted particularly when they suddenly took an interest in what I was going to do next after writing me off for two years.

Lot going on here:

• Understandable to be frustrated with predicted grades, less understandable to pull that kind of ruse on your teachers.
• Grad job market is a shocker, shelve your feelings on the value of hard work and let him do something in his chosen field in his gap year. Employers absolutely will prefer this to him working in Waitrose.
• The money needs some strings retrospectively attaching. House deposit? Personal pension? S&S ISA? Good to get in early in life on the latter two to benefit from compounding.

There's no guarantee that he'll somehow get a grand comeuppance. Plenty of people at Cambridge had bad relationships with their teachers, coasted at school and continued, frustratingly, to coast at Cambridge because of insane raw talent. You'll just have to hope your parenting and his growing out of being a teenager will kick in over the next few years.

But those predicted grades were based on work your son had done which obviously was not up to A* standard.

Well he’s not exactly showing signs of maturity and neither is your DH. And your in laws are also being irresponsible just handing over vast amounts of money to an 18 year old. They should have used their brains and put it in a savings account/ISA. What did they think he was going to do with that much money?
My DD also did better than predicted and got three A stars. She dud not apply that cycle as she planned on doing an Art Foundation diploma. She got no money from me for doing so well, not anyone else. She is very sensible and practical and frugal and is aware that she needs to save to pay for future expenses as the job market is tricky. She has worked doing paid internships over the summers (so money and relevant experience) but the majority of her friends waitress or work in shops. No one thinks they are above doing this kind of work - after all with no experience having great A levels makes no difference. Your son is lucky his dad can give him relevant work experience as long as it’s true work and not an easy ride.
If he spends recklessly now he will regret it later, but that’s his choice. As long as he doesn’t come back to you in a year when his money runs out! Have you or your DH sat him done and explained how budgeting works ? A valuable lesson that he will need for life. And you should make it clear that any expenses over and above his university loan he needs to cover . I only pay for my DD’s phone, she covers the rest.

Can you imagine if a request for a character reference lands on the desk of the teacher he stuck his finger up at? Is he so arrogant that he thinks that decision won’t come back to haunt him? And of course, it’ll be everyone else’s fault if he doesn’t get in to Cambridge.

It’s the job of parents to equip children with the skills they need to live their lives independently. That’s without any safety nets or a belief that the money will always be there and businesses will never go under. If British institutions can go under, then Daddy’s business can certainly fail too. This boy has not been done any favours. I can see why you’d be worried, OP.

@NavyRobinwho is funding university?

Guys he did Maths, Further Maths, Physics and Chemistry. There is no way his results were just down to luck. In his Chem he was only a few marks off an A* and that has been sent for a remark, we did not require priority remark for it as he decided to just take a gap year since most places at the unis he was interested in were either not open for engineering at clearing or we did not get there fast enough.

My sons behaviour has not always been like this. It started around end of sept last year when UCAS applications and open days were being discussed and he wanted to apply to Cambridge and only one teacher was willing to predict him an A which in turn resulted in him acting out at school. I think his behaviour towards the teachers changed which caused them to not want to budge on the predicted grades.

He’s clearly intelligent, and if he’s been educated in money management, and I suspect he has because that it quite usual in wealthy families, then it shouldn’t be assumed that he’ll blow the money based solely on his age. Spending a portion of what he has on a better car isn’t what I would call profligate, either. He can enjoy his money as well as save it.

I also suspect that your in laws have very healthy accounts set aside for him in addition to the money they’ve given him.

That he’s chosen to spend his gap year employed by his father in his chosen field would suggests that he does have his future in mind, and is driven to succeed.

This. It’s horrible. No wonder they didn’t think he should apply for Cambridge as he was doing no work at school for months and months. What did he expect?

I think a gap year is a very big mistake, and whatever offers he had for this Autumn’s intake cant have been at second rate universities, based on the predicted grades after all.
Diving straight into student life might give him the change he very seriously needs, instead of being marinated in his father’s milieu for a year, picking up God knows what additional objectionable behaviour.
But when Oxbridge is dangled before them people lose all sense of proportion and reality. I don’t think it is worth the risk of the damage a year off now will do to his developing character.

If he had stuck his middle finger up at me, i wouldn't be giving a good reference.
However, I think your son has got a lot of stick on this thread and you seem to have taken it calmly.
If your son had worked hard at school, he may have got even better grades. Although I appreciate he did a lot of work out of school and his grades are excellent.

I really feel for you, OP and think many PPs are missing the point here. I would have been incredibly disappointed if either of my children had behaved like this at his age. In fact, your son’s overall arrogant, sly and unpleasant attitude would have absolutely and severely tempered my pride in the exceptional results he actually ended up achieving.
Your husband sounds as if has enabled this behaviour over the years - it doesn’t come from nowhere. I think your son needs a short, sharp shock right now to teach him a lesson (and some manners, frankly) but unfortunately it’s probably a bit late as dad has offered him a job and his silly grandparents have gifted inappropriate sums of money to him.
You sound like the only voice of reason in the family - everyone else sounds completely awful. Sorry.

I doubt he will give a bad character reference as the head of year has been in touch with us since and our son did apologise but he did say he went to him many times before submitting his UCAS application for advice and support and can understand why our son was upset (doesn't excuse the behaviour)

I don't understand why you are worrying about anything @NavyRobin your son will never face a financial struggle in his life bar a gambling or drug problem.
He can spend the money, I have no doubt more will be provided.
He doesn't need to worry about work.
Some people are born incredibly fortunate. Your children are some of them.
He doesn't need to learn does he? Someone will always pick him up.

Before anyone comes at me for that, he is 18 years old and been gifted 44 grand just cos. He was already driving around in a Polo.
He is sorted.

i think what you are saying is your highly academic DS who has done well in exams and been gifted substantial amounts of money has a degree of immaturity that concerns you, which i dont think is unreasonable given his actions.
The job situation isnt concerning and it understandable he may want to do work thats connected to his future studies .

He sounds like a sociopath/ narcissist. You must know that no-one normal behaves the way he has done. They just don’t

He does sound entitled. So teachers at the time were not willing to predict As. What gives him the right to think they have to predict the grades he wants or needs? They'll predict the grades they think he was capable of. Its not a scient, it wont alwayd be correct in the end, but thats the system.

Who on earth does he think he is?

He might be in danger of becoming a spoiled brat, but given that your DH’s attitude is to look down on people who do certain jobs, are you really that surprised?

Let him work with his father and leave the other jobs for people who want/need them.

I don’t think you have anything to worry about and you’re just looking for problems.

You have a very intelligent, hard working son. He is very fortunate that he has wealthy grandparents and a father that can support his career aspirations. He is well set up for his future.

Sure, he will blow some of that £44k on silly things. He’s only 18, of course he will. And obviously his grandparents don’t mind as otherwise they would have put it in a trust. He’ll likely be given more money from them when he graduates, when he turns 21 and/or 25, when he gets married, when he has his first child or buys his first home.

DH was a trust fund kid. He got his first pay out at 18 and blew the lots on clothes and holidays. He got another at 21 which he was more sensible with and then another at 25 which he used for a house deposit. He is extremely careful with money and how he behaved with money at 18 is no reflection on how he is with money now in his late 40’s.

You don’t need to experience hardship or struggle in order to know the value of money or the importance of working hard. Your son knows how important it is to work hard and he has proved he is capable of it with his excellent A Level results.