AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

[NavyRobin]

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

You are being unreasonable.

sorry.

if he can get a job that’s related to what he wants to do then it’ll stand him in incredibly good stead when he comes to apply for internships and placements as part of his degree.

graduate unemployment is massively high and you want him to do a job that won’t help him move on in his career?

why do you want him to do a job that is objectively not as good?

I am just shocked at his behaviour, all this time we received emails and phone calls from school saying, he is getting 12% on his tests, saying he doesn't know all the time when asked a question in class, teachers offering to help him as they were confused why he was getting such low results. Then at home DH and I see him revising all the time and sticking to a routine, every Saturday he was going to the library for 8 hours, we had his location and were telling the school that he was revising. Turns out he was pretending at school all because his teachers did not want to predict him A stars to apply for Cambridge. The we were having to go to meetings at the school. Now results day his head of year was confused and he goes over to him and laughs in his face and puts his middle finger up at him. DH found it funny and was encouraging him. He scored the highest in his year group for his Maths A Levels and now the school has to put his name up, DH then says in the car 'that'll teach them' The whole year he was pretending to be stupid at school on purpose. I just do not understand what goes on in a 17-18 year olds mind. Yes he was not predicted great results but in the end we accepted that and told him to just work hard but he decided to act like this instead

But he is going to work? It is better for his degree and future career to work in an engineering firm even if it isn't quite the area he wants to work in than working in Waitrose deli - is it just that his dad is giving him the job?

The money is a different issue but those are the terms on which his grandparents gave it. As he generally appears to be a bright boy, you might want to talk to him about investing and compound interest and encourage him to get an ISA rather than spending it all.

I think the paid work experience in a field he wants to go into is a good idea, but that is an awful lot of money!

Does he get a discount at Waitrose and can he nibble bits of cheese from the deli when nobody is looking? If so then he should keep working there.

I do not have an issue with him working for his father. I am just disappointed in his behaviour. I want him to have relevant work experience of course but I do think at the moment he has been very spoilt recently and how he has acted towards his teachers

Working with his dad is a brilliant opportunity and will be much better use of his time than working with any job.

I’d feel the same as you about the money though. Does your son understand the value of it? That amount could go a long way to setting him up for life if he uses it carefully.

YANBU. If I think back to when I was 18 and I was handed that much money I would have no motivation to do anything. He has done well in his exams but A level results are not a prediction as to how well you will do in life.

He is so lucky to have a job lined up but it all seems so easy (there’s nothing wrong with that). But I see where you are concerned. He may have it all a little too easy and potentially waste his opportunities.

I do find it strange his attitude to the teachers giving him lower grades! I guess you know your son and his personality and whether the large sum of money could adversely affect his future. But it seems like he has a good safety net to fall back on and he will be fine.

I completely agree with you OP, he's in danger of becoming quite entitled/unpleasant.

It's all fun just now, and maybe he has the ability to carry it through, if he does good luck to him, but he needs to keep his feet on the ground a bit.

Yeah your kids a bit of a twat. He COULD have gone to a great uni THIS year if he didn’t. 🤷‍♀️

However it’s fine, he could probably do with a ‘real’ job this year working with real people who work in the industry so just let him crack on. Providing the adults already in this job feel free to speak up if he acts like a tosser? And not just because he’s the bosses son they feel curtailed ?

it will likely do him good to knuckle down and learn a real job

The work experience is a great opportunity. The money on the other hand is not, he doesn't understand the value of money as he is currently on holiday with his friends splashing it all away on drinking and bought a new car recently not many 18 year olds can buy a car for 13k and just pay for it outright.

I would absolutely stop worrying.
He is bright but at some point he will find something difficult. Hopefully he will have the resilience needed to get through.
But you can't teach him that.He is an adult. You have fed him, clothed him, and educated him.

Giving 44k to an 18 year old is absolutely insane.

I know gifts should be free of strings, but IMO that lump sum of money should have come with some kind of ‘to put away until your ready for a house deposit’ or something

We save for our children, and there’s not way on earth we’ll be allowing them to spunk it all away at 18

Sorry @NavyRobin but he sounds a nasty piece of work. And your husband doesn't sound a lot better.

I think it's inevitable that eventually he's going to come a cropper due to his horrible attitude. He's got away with it so far but in work, no one will tolerate that entitlement. I don't see him at Oxbridge either.

When you say he has potentially an exciting future ahead of him - it’s easy to think great a level results mean a good uni and then it’s easy to get a job.

my dd graduated in astrophysics from Newcastle last year and only one of her year got a proper graduate job straight from uni. Lots of the rest are doing masters, temping, etc.

it‘a really, really tough out there and so if working in an engineering firm rather than the deli counter will improve your son’s chances he absolutely should do it.

in three or four years he’ll know how tough it is. There’s no need to try to make him do a objectively worse job because you think he is spoilt (quite apart from anything else it won’t work)

I'm with you OP, especially given your update. The PPs saying that it's great he has relevant work experience etc are missing the point IMO.

That level of Machiavellian behaviour suggests he is going to be very successful, but not terribly pleasant. Not helped by being egged on by his dad and fawned over by his grandparents. I would be very disappointed and concerned.

I think a serious conversation with all the grandparents and him and your husband about the money needs to be had. I mean it's fine to receive it, but could it be earmarked for more important things in the future? A uni fund? He's not going to learn good money habits. I do realise he's an adult, but he's a young one and this is the age that responsibility is learned. This could screw him over in the longer term! I've seen it with too many people.

The engineering with his dad sounds sensible.

He put his middle finger up at his head of year and your DH encouraged that?

Forget all the other stuff - I’d be tackling that first. What twatty behaviour!

He's really arrogant, isn't he? He thinks he knows better than his teachers and your husband is backing him up on that. The middle finger thing was shocking because he will have been a complete pain in the arse to those teachers for years. They saw he was brighter than that. There's absolutely no reason why he should pretend to be stupid.

Regarding the money, I think this is just about the worst thing that could have happened. I think you'll have to be careful what you say to him as he seems to do the opposite, but I would refuse to bail him out in the future if he's had so much money given to him.

I’m shocked at the monetary gifts. I assume your in laws are extremely wealthy? How is his degree going to be funded? Is money already set aside for that or will he need loans?
He does sound like an entitled twerp but he’ll have to knuckle down once he’s at a competitive uni. I’d be really mad a DH too for his attitude. That’s where I’d direct my ire right now, tbh.

Hard to know whether the teachers' earlier attitude towards him gave rise to resentment on his part. But his behaviour is not acceptable.

Hang on, his attitude absolutely stinks. He's been an absolute brat at school, and has been incredibly rude to his headteacher because they didn't think he was as great as he thought himself to be. Perhaps he wasn't at that point, and the more grades spurred him on.

For me, the biggest thing would be the gap between who he had presented himself to be to the school for the last year and who he was. That's a whole double life. That level of deception - ugh.

Hopefully his grandparents can continue to keep him in the luxury to which he's becoming accustomed. Going to work as the boss's son - yeah, that'll keep him humble...

Totally get why you're upset.

They should have said they’d pay for uni. Handing that kind of money to an 18yr old is madness in my opinion.

He sounds like an absolute sod op, maybe that's where I would be worried!

The job is fine, better experience and not just working with other teens is good for maturity (which he clearly needs)

The money is bonkers, and I'd strongly lean on him to save a big chunk, but ultimately you can't really change that he has it now. 18 year olds do get gifted big sums, they do spaff it away and they do regret it later, I imagine he will learn from this one way or another!

It's an unusual one!
As far as the job is concerned it's a good opportunity and far better career wise than a supermarket job. Yes it's nepotism but he's lucky to have a family with money and the ability to give him a job. He'll always have that safety net.

The A level stuff is borderline disturbing. It's almost Machiavellian to deliberately do badly, such a high risk strategy just to spite his teachers. Having said that it's clear he's very bright and if he puts that to good use he could go far.

The money. I'm all for rewarding success and also for handing money to the next generation but I think it's been approached wrongly. We gave our DC a small reward (£100) for exams. Large lump sums are different depending on the child. Some will spaff it away and others will squirrel it away. You need to know whether your DC is a spaffer or a squirrel and deal differently.
Mine were both squirrels and we gave them lump sums at 19 which they invested and used for house deposits. If they had been reckless with money we would have held on to it until they were ready.