AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

[NavyRobin]

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

He sounds awful. Sorry OP.

Does he realise how much time and emotional energy of yours he wasted with his scheme? What a twat.

If you are paying for his uni I suggest you limit the amount because he will blow through everything.

Valid concerns you have OP.

Dont give him money for uni, tell him he has to save over the next year while staying at home.

Your DH sounds like the problem in terms of where this attitude has come from.

You're being perfectly reasonable. Being showered with tens of thousands of pounds at that age is frankly ridiculous. It's like.his grandparents are buying his affection. Fgs tell them to stop. How is he going to understand the value of money at this rate? He's hardly been a model student and heaven knows the effect of university.

The work thing makes sense to me. The job with his dad is better for his CV.

The grandparents should surely have stipulated that that money should be used to pay for his uni? It seems crazy to just give an 18 year old that much to fritter. Can you say that to him now? That he has to pay his own fees out of it or contribute in some way? Otherwise how will he learn the value of anything.

The atitude re his a levels is troubling. It worked out for him this time, next time maybe not and that’s a life lesson he may need.

Your DH shouldn’t be telling him ANY work is ‘beneath’ him. No work is beneath anyone. That’s a terrible world view to take. A job might be better for an is individuals future career path but no one is too good to do any sort of work in my view.

Wow he sounds really horrible (sorry). The arrogance is breathtaking. As is your husband’s behaviour,
Will he actually work at the engineering job or just swan around being the boss’s pampered son? A job in Waitrose would teach him way more about how to get along with people and it sounds like he could do with a dose of reality.

With the attitude he has, his brightness and lots of money plus a job at dad's place he doesn't sound like he is going to be a humble sort of guy to be honest.

With all that money, I’m surprised he doesn’t just go off travelling for a year and have fun. Getting a job of any sort is admirable in those circumstances. He’ll have to work hard at uni and then in whatever career, I’d be off enjoying myself for a few months at least before that!

My brother and I gave DS about 12k when he finished UNI at 22 years old as a start for his savings, a year or two later I asked how it was going and he had spent the lot! However he did get a very good job and now, some 15 years on, he told me he has saved over 40k.

I would be ashamed of my son if he spent a full year deceiving and creating more work for teachers who only wanted the best for their students, in order to get one up on them because they didn’t give HIM what he originally wanted. And sticking his middle finger up at the head of year? Just gross. Your husband sounds like he’s even worse, given he’s actively encouraging it. Urgh.

He does sound like a nasty piece of work and in most cases a year out would do him good. The challenge about him working for his dad’s company is he will make life hell for the people around him who won’t dare to say anything.

Not sure what you can do beyond making it clear the world doesn’t owe him a living and he isn’t the billy big bollocks he thinks he is.

Hopefully a few years at a highly competitive uni, where it is quite possible for bright people to really struggle, will shake the arrogance out of him. (Speaking from experience with my DS, who punched up to an excellent uni but has found it a chastening and depressing experience).

It sounds like he has had everything handed to him pretty much and will continue to have a privileged life and lifestyle.

One idea would be to have him do volunteer work for the year for those less fortunate so he can understand that everybody doesn't have what he has and to develop empathy and compassion for others

That money would've almost covered his university and he could've left with less debt. I presume you and dad are paying it? I would probably tell him that no, it's now half going to uni costs (you can always just give him the money back when he graduates).

It's too much money for an 18 year old as he's already proving by wasting it. It's a fabulous gift, but he's too young to use it sensibly.

His attitude sucks a little but then he's 18. He has a lot of growing up to do. If he's not knocked back by his peers over the next few years then he's going to be a bore to be around and it may set him up to fail. Luckily kids do a lot of growing up at uni, and in the workplace so hopefully that cockiness will fade.

See i was 100% against you until you mentioned the money. That is an INSANE amount of money to give to an 18yo. 10 grand wouldve sufficed, with the rest available for a deposit for a flat. He is just going to spend this on shite!

I like his style though, fucking with his teachers 😄. He's a very intelligent young man, but i would insist the money gets spent on a deposit for his own flat, which he can let out and live off the profit.

Yanbu x

OP, he doesn't understand the value of money not because he was given some last month but because he wasn't taught it throughout his childhood. I was given a decent sum of money when I was 18 and I did not go away with my mates and buy a new car. Because I was brought up in a household where the value of money was drummed into me since a very early age with very concrete strategies used by my parents to teach me budgeting. By the age of 18, I was excellent at managing money and that cash injection went straight to my savings account alongside any money from summer jobs I had since the age of 14.
And I can totally relate to your son's behaviour toward his teachers. I wish I flipped a finger at quite a few of mine. Looking back, it was straight bullying from adults at school which is shocking to remember 30 years later.
Ultimately, we don't know your son's character. And it is quite possible that he will blow the money away without thinking. But it may well teach him an important lesson going forward when he looks back at it in a few years scrambling to get a deposit on his first property.

I mean I definitely understand being really pissed off with his teachers. My teachers tried to refuse to predict me the grades I needed for uni but I ultimately did manage to persuade them to. I wouldn't have sworn at anyone, but it would have really pissed me off if they hadn't. So I can sort of understand why he behaved as he did.

I also see why your husband wants to offer him a related role for his gap year, that sounds very useful.

But the whole situation, when you combine it with frittering money etc is quite concerning and I can definitely see why you're worried. You don't want him to waste the opportunities he's got.

The engineering work experience is a good idea. As long as his dad actually makes him work and he doesn’t take the piss eg rocking up late knowing it’s his dad’s company.

The money is a problem and is adding to his very apparent sense of entitlement.

The attitude at school is a BIG problem and may still affect his applications even now he has left. Universities look at school references (which are confidential so can be quite blunt) as well as results. If his references say something like “he may have got good results in the end but he was a rude and lazy sod all through 6th form and we had to have meetings with his parents about his attitude” then the uni may well think twice - no matter what his results.

I dont agree with monies like that being gifted like that, but its another world in some families, its a very MC way to behave and they think that is appropriate

The job, yes I think its ok for him to work with his dad and for his dad, but would worry that the combination of all this would lead to quite an entitled attitude. He already sounds a bit of a game player, the pretending about his exams to teach his teachers a lesson so to speak, doesnt speak well of his attitude and understanding of other peoples authority and roles.

perhaps he will learn as he gets older. Perhaps he wont and he'll be an arrogant arsehole, only time will tell.

I'd be devastated at this. He's so fortunate, but he's growing up to be a not very nice person. And his dad is encouraging that. I dont care if my boys are smart, successful, rich, whatever, I want them to be nice people.

He'll get a shock at uni when he realises he's nothing special but he will obviously be fine as hell just work with his dad. Lots of men aren't very nice people and do just fine in life.

He’s gonna be so spoilt and entitled.
And yeah his behaviour is really weird and calculated but obviously gets this from his dad.

I suggest you charge him rent if he's living with you while working over his gap year. And insist on shared housework and cooking. He needs to get over himself and grow up. I doubt he has any real grounds for thinking that his teachers didn't predict him the grades they genuinely thought he'd get. Good for them for not bowing to pressure and over-predicting. Have you had a sit-down talk about how badly he's behaved towards both the teachers and you?
I think you should also try to get through to your husband and his parents - they're being idiotic and won't be helping him long term. I'd go with the engineering work, as it will help him get a job after university.

Both ours exceeded expectations and had gap years before going to Oxford and Cambridge.

One farmed (laboured) in NZ, one enrolled to learn BSL and worked in Wetherspoons.

Their Trust funds at the time were about £500k although pocket money until 30.

DS cried when we gave him a 10 year old Ka for his 18th birthday. Tears of joy!

Fortunately they are pretty tight, like us. DS now has a wife and baby dd, his money is still invested because he's earning enough for a decent lifestyle 6k miles away.

DD is working hard too although a bigger spender - but not more than she earns.

Your DS needs a kick up the backside and was given too much money too soon imo.

Working with hid dad in engineering is great, spending like that is foolish. Try to warn him he won't get this much this easily often, but there is only so much you can do and he may have to learn the hard way.

Why does that matter though in the end? Yes it’s weird behaviour but he sat the tests and got the results and it sounds like he only started doing this AFTER he was predicted whatever grades so it wouldn’t have made a difference to his UCAS applications. I don’t know why you’re so fixated on this aspect when you have a son who got such amazing results!

And he is getting a job, fine it’s with his dad but it’s so so difficult to get jobs without experience that using who you know for a leg up is incredibly common. He will be working for a living, earning his own money and having responsibilities in gainful employment whilst gaining valuable experience and having loads to bolster next years uni applications - why do you want him to potentially do a worse and unrelated job just to teach him a lesson?

Giving £44k to an 18 year old is batshit. Buy him a car, pay his tuition, pay his rent at uni or whatever with that money but to give it directly to an 18 year old to squander seems incredibly irresponsible and will likely leave him worse off later when he would have appreciated such a healthy financial gift because he’s buying his first home or paying off loads of student debt or getting married and he regrets the financial immaturity of his former self. I would encourage him to set some aside himself and leave it alone to accrue a bit of interest and be helpful in the future.