Aibu by being upset about dd's treatment by football club

[Ceceprincess80]

My daughter has played football since she was 4 years old. She has played for 3 different teams and has ended up playing in goal which she likes. She is now 13, almost 14. There has been a change in coach and a new girl has been drafted in as another goalkeeper and my daughter told she now needs to share playing time. The coach waited till after we had paid the registration fees for this season before saying anything. They initially wanted them to spilt each game and we said no as we didnt want to travel to the faraway games or 40 miles for 30 mins playing time and could they do 1 game on and 1 game off. The team played a friendly this week and my daughter did well and made some good saves. The other goalkeeper let in 3 goals and gave a penalty away because she pushed the striker over. My daughter ended the game upset and frustrated that this player has been added to the squad and she is not particularly good. We asked our daughter what she wanted to do? She doesn't want to play with the team anymore. Its so sad as she loves some of the defending girls in her team but she feels so sad and upset she can not stay. I feel cross and sad for her. Am I being unreasonable if I complain about her treatment and get the registration fees refunded?

You are not only being unreasonable but ridiculous too.

I've clicked YABU because are being very unreasonable about there being two GKs in the squad. It's much better if there are two, I can remember DS playing in goal when he was really unwell because there wasn't anyone else to stand in for him.

I do see why you are both stuggling with it, GKs are quite privileged as there is often only one and they get used to playing every match. She's become a bit 'entitled' and your job as a parent isn't to pander to it and let her quit in a huff.

Football isn't just competitive between teams it is also competitive within the team and your daughter will have to compete for her place. TBH, if your daughter is really that much better then the coach will come under pressure from the team if he keeps playing the other girl and they lose matches because of it.

However...

Youngest DS played to a fairly high level. In this age group I would say it's unusual to have two GKs in the squad for a match home or away. Even in the U18s (where from memory they had 3 GKs) they usually only had 1 GK in the squad for a match, maybe 2 for cup games. Sharing games was really unusual.

I am amazed that parents on here are driving their 13 year olds kids for 40 minutes to watch a match their kids aren't playing in. Honestly most parents have more than one child and relish the chance to spend a Saturday morning as family rather than splitting up for half the day! Especially if it's pissing down with rain!

You are being very unreasonable. People come and go from sports teams all the time. Never letting another goalkeeper join because the role belongs to your daughter would be nuts. Sounds like she's had it cushy for a few years but that situation was unusual, not the current one.

Her reaction is immature (I guess to be expected given her age) but you should address it. First of all, in a team, she doesn't get to decide who is good enough to be there. Grassroots football is generally inclusive as it should be. The fact that the other keeper conceded 3 goals is not a reflection of how good or bad she is - there are other factors at play. The other team might have been better, or the defenders might have been having a bad day. The other keeper might have just had an off day. As a GK and GK mum, surely you both know this? DS15 is a GK and plays grassroots, and tbh players with DDs attitude really irritate me. The ones who think others aren't good enough to be there, the ones who sulk if a player has a bad game or make a mistake, the ones who blame the keeper for every goal that's conceded without context. It's even worse when the parents join them, instead of reminding them what grassroots sports is about. If she's unhappy she should leave, but if she's ready to quit just because she is no longer the only keeper, perhaps football isn't for her.

Do you not watch football? You need a goal keep sub, 2 even tbh - and they also need the experience to get better! What happens if your daughter is injured? Poorly? Can't make a match? Do they throw a striker in there and hope for the best?!

This is a life lesson, if she's really that keen she needs to suck it up, show the coach she is the best and hopefully she will be picked for the matches that mean the most!

Well she’s not a team player and you seem to be encouraging her to be a diva / spoiled brat .

My DS 14 is a gk, and was in a similar position to your daughter in that he was the only gk in the team. It was actually really difficult for us because if he was ill or couldn't make it for any reason, his team mates wouldn't be happy with him. When one of the team said they'd have a go at gk, it made our lives easier. DS is very committed, but life happens. Could you explain this to your DD? That her position isn't under threat and the team needs resilience.

I see why initially she may be aggrieved however it’s very normal. What happens to the team if they don’t have another keeper and your daughter can’t play?

My DC who is a similar age plays for an WSL academy and you don’t expect to play the whole game. And we drive just as far! It’s all good experience and you support the other players on the pitch regardless of whether you are playing.

YABVU. You can’t join a team sport and then throw your toys out the pram because you don’t play the whole game. Honestly I laughed when I read that, what? It’s a team sport! If she wants to stop playing then let her, it’s her choice.

And to add - to complain over her treatment? What planet are you on? She isn't the only goalie in the world and she has to learn to share! She sounds very entitled, but so do you.... and maybe it's better for the team if she does leave.... A team is not just one person!

Don’t think this went the way OP planned!

if your daughter quits surely she’ll be the 2nd GK at whatever team she joins instead as it’s unlikely there’s a team without one at this point.

It’s a team sport, no position is yours, DD needs to learn how to be a team player or take up an individual sport- she’s been very lucky to have the goal to herself for this amount of time - wake up time - chance for her to learn and grow

Perhaps they should leave the club and find one more centred about the DD and her reluctance to share the position.

Could you encourage her to befriend and help the other girl?. Being part of a team means being part of a team.

It’s understandable her first reaction is to feel a bit put out - she’s a kid and competitiveness is very healthy. But the team aspect matters too. As others have said, the ability to play the long game and think of the team sometimes first is important - and a good life lesson.

I'm amazed that, at this point, 24% of posters think that OP is not unreasonable. This is one of the most unreasonable OP 's I've read.

I'm going against general consensus and agree with you. We had the same experience with our child. They had been the only goalkeeper for 10 years. There were other players on the team who were happy to go in goal on the odd occasion they were needed. They would swap about a lot in training to keep their skills alive. They were a very tight knit team with most players on the squad having started at 5/6 and staying. At 16 the coach brought in a new keeper. Exactly for the reasons others have stated, which we completely understood. There was no period for the new goal keeper to embed onto the team. The expectation was that they would play half a match every match from the start.

The issue was that for 10 years the expectation for our child was that they played in goal every match. To then change this after such a long time completely knocked their confidence. The could not understand why the reasoning to sign a second keeper was applicable at this age and had not been previously. After weeks of anxiety we encouraged our child to leave the team.

There were outfield players that were with the team this whole time who were the better players. They also played full matches every match. Our child felt as though they had been personally slighted.

I can understand why the coach made the decision, however the knock on effects led to the team disbanding shortly afterwards. They only had another couple of years left before the team would have disbanded naturally due to the players moving away for university.

Yes kids need to build resilience and learn life isn't always fair, however, unless they're playing at an elite level the coach should be balancing competitiveness against the welfare of the team members.

Is there an option of her playing sometimes on the pitch while the other girl is in goal? If she wants to be a good goalie, it's useful to have a bit of time playing in other roles too. But I second the rest, she needs to suck it up. As they get older, they'll be selected more on merit. She needs to be determined to prove her worth, not give up at the first hint of a challenge to her selection.
Your post gave me a bitter laugh, OP. Feel lucky she doesn't play cricket. 40 miles driven, then you get a call that the match is cancelled because of rain. Or 40 miles and then out for a duck and no touches on the ball in outfield. And the matches take ALL day. Football is lightweight in its potential for 'wasted' time!

Depends what kind of team it is and what the ethos of the team is.

Most teams want to win. Sure winning isn't everything, but there is a difference between rotating goalkeepers and outfield players in the respect a poor performer in goal can really ruin the entire team performance.

If you watch the teams at elite level goalkeepers are rarely rotated. The best player ends up in goal and that's that. So much of an issue of course that elite teams struggle to keep good reserve keepers.

If the team ethos is about "everyone having a go" then she is probably in the wrong team if she feels the best players should always play.

But bear in mind what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. If she moves to a more competitive team then she could well end up as the reserve that never gets a game.

I think the age of 13-14 is really important for learning. So if she wants to get to elite level or try to, and understands the competitive nature of the elite game and that changing teams will not necessarily guarantee her a game, but wants to move to a team where the best performance is rewarded then she needs to move away from this style of amateur football. She will probably get better training and more chance of advancement if she does.

You haven't described any "treatment" that she has been subjected to? A new girl has joined the team and the coach wants them to share goal. That's not unreasonable. The new girl isn't as good as your daughter. That's life. There will always be someone better and someone worse than us. She's just joined and will (hopefully) get better over time. This is an opportunity to teach your DD that she doesn't give up just because she doesn't get her own way; and that not everyone is at the same level and it's a team game, so each team member is supposed to support everyone else. I'm surprised you said you couldn't be bothered travelling for a TEAM sport unless your DD got to be the star for the whole game. You're really letting her down in what you're teaching her. (Not wanting to travel because of distance and the impact on other commitments is fine. Not wanting to travel because you're too selfish to allow someone else to have a go, really isn't.)

My son has played for a team for years, there are 2 keepers.
One that plays in defence when the usual keeper is there and then in goal when the other keeper isn’t there, or fancies a bit of a swap.
It would be unusual to only have one keeper, because it puts the pressure on when the keeper is away.
The new player may not be as good yet but personally I think grass roots football should be inclusive for everyone.
It’s different if it’s an academy side, you can transfer her to another team, you won’t get a refund though.
But the chances are she’ll move to a team that has a keeper already and then be in the same situation.

That is assuming she is good enough to play at that level. It is possible that she may not be as good as she thinks - it sounds like her attitude isn’t great.

Oh and under the circumstances you describe I think it is perfectly legitimate to ask for the fees to be refunded if you wish to leave.

Ultimately I think they were somewhat underhand in waiting until the fees/commitment were all sorted and then making a major change to the playing conditions. They should have made you aware of that beforehand. Of course conditions can change all the time, but it does seem from your description like this was orchestrated rather than simply something that happened by accident.

I doubt whether you can get it all back, but maybe you might be able to get back a proportion.

Maybe. Who knows. But if that is the experience she wants then who would discourage her from going for it ?

I don't think her attitude is poor. I think its fine. She wants to be in a team that is focussed on being the best and plays the best players.

Just because she believes she should play because she is the best doesn't mean she believes that she should get time if she is second best.

Her ethos might be that the best players should play whatever. And if that is case then this isn't the team for her. There is nothing wrong with either her attitude or the team ethos. It's just that they aren't compatible and she needs to go somewhere else.

Good luck finding a team that hasn't already got a goalkeeper. Or are you just assuming some other team will drop their current goalie completely for your child?

I agree with this to be honest. DS is a very good striker for a local team which is "everyone has a go" oriented. He accepts this means sometimes they lose. He always volunteers to do a 1/4 in goal and sometimes moves to a wing for a 1/4.

If we wanted him to be in a team that selects the best players every week, takes unused subs miles away to away games and kicks kids out by "gently" suggesting they aren't good enough we'd have signed him up to the local money machine where you pay £50 a month just for sessions and might not even get on a team.