Aibu by being upset about dd's treatment by football club

[Ceceprincess80]

My daughter has played football since she was 4 years old. She has played for 3 different teams and has ended up playing in goal which she likes. She is now 13, almost 14. There has been a change in coach and a new girl has been drafted in as another goalkeeper and my daughter told she now needs to share playing time. The coach waited till after we had paid the registration fees for this season before saying anything. They initially wanted them to spilt each game and we said no as we didnt want to travel to the faraway games or 40 miles for 30 mins playing time and could they do 1 game on and 1 game off. The team played a friendly this week and my daughter did well and made some good saves. The other goalkeeper let in 3 goals and gave a penalty away because she pushed the striker over. My daughter ended the game upset and frustrated that this player has been added to the squad and she is not particularly good. We asked our daughter what she wanted to do? She doesn't want to play with the team anymore. Its so sad as she loves some of the defending girls in her team but she feels so sad and upset she can not stay. I feel cross and sad for her. Am I being unreasonable if I complain about her treatment and get the registration fees refunded?

That is not crazy language? I might say that to my child! No child is entitled to be a brat.

@Ceceprincess80 this is a great opportunity for you to teach your daughter some resilience!

I’d be encouraging her to stick at it for the rest of the season. Letting her quit now just teaches her to give up when things are not perfect or 100% how she wants them. She’s not a little kid anymore. Things aren’t always fair or even and she needs to learn how to navigate these situations and ideally, if she loves football, to work out how to make the best of things and still enjoy it.

If the other girl is new, maybe they could spend some time at training together to help her develop her skills - a chance for your daughter to develop some leadership and coaching skills and be a team player.

It’s quite normal too, especially as kids get older, to have subs and not get a full game. If a parent or child in one of my kids team said they weren’t prepared to travel to an away game unless they got to play the whole game, I’m pretty sure the coach would suggest that maybe this isn’t the team for them!! We have kids who turn up to away games even when they’re injured and can’t play so they can be there to support their team mates!

My teen DSs both play football, and assuming your DD isn't playing at a very high level then it isn't normal to have more than one goalie per team in my experience.

However, it IS completely normal for outfield players to travel miles for away matches and your child may only play half the match. I do think your DD should attend every match, not just half of them.

Surely if the other girl is so much worse the coach / players / parents will want her on the pitch for the important moments? Which is even more of a reason to go to every match - she might find herself being subbed on when it's not her "turn".

i think you should encourage your DD to continue - sport is about learning resilience etc. If she's not happy by the end of this season she can look for a new team for next season.

At that age, yes. I don’t know any other team that has two keepers (who don’t also play outfield).

In the scenario you wrote about above, another outfield player would normally take the role, although my child never missed a match in several years.

As I said, you don’t have to say yes to being a second keeper. For some people they’re happy in such a scenario, others not so.

You may be good with that, but we weren’t, so we did something about it. Unfortunately this meant the coaches lost their stronger keeper, so now still only have one.

Sounds like she has been very lucky with being the only keeper, and that has given her unreasonable expectations.

Not her fault, she's just a kid - and that is the norm for her, to play all the time.

But now she is in the same normal situation as any kid at a football club, where they have to manage multiple children per position.

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Try and both:

1, reassure her that how she feels makes sense. It is frustrating to change what was good for her for something worse. And it is annoying if the other player isn't as good...
but -
2, both of those can't be helped, and she has been very lucky to avoid them up until now, so until she gets to a level of football where they are picked 100% on merit, she has to put up with it.

Why is she so hellbent on being the only goalie on the team? She playing a team sport but wants to be treated like she’s not.

We have two goalies we did try and do alternate matches but then one of the goalies would only turn up to training on the week's he had a match where the other goalie was consistent. So we then changed to one half each. Which is TBF unfair on the one who always shows up. Game time is now dependent on performance and attitude at training. There are quite a few boys who no longer get much game time due to this.

Your child hasn’t been treated badly.

My son is the same age and this is exactly how it works. For all the reasons almost every other comment has explained. He’s also the better goalie (though the other one is improving which wouldn’t happen if he was never played). They used to do a half each but quite often now the coach will keep the first goalie on well into second half - I guess working on their stamina.

I’m not going to say I’ve never had a quiet grumble afterwards to DH when I’ve driven to an away match only to see DS play the last 10 minutes but I do not share that with DS - he know that’s how it works- other parents have also had a grumble on the sidelines when the weaker goalie is on and they are losing which makes me feel bad for that kid.

you need to re-evaluate your perspective here. choose a non-team sport for your DD if you don’t want her learning about how a team works together to develop and support one another.

Or if she is genuinely brilliant to the level where you are thinking about professional pathways and she needs the pitch hours then you need to look into how she could be put forward for selection for club teams not a local youth team.

That other girl wants an opportunity to learn as well, how else will she be good if she doesn't get play time? Isn't her mum travelling as well? Your daughter should understand that being part of the team means she will not be the only one playing, maybe teach her to be supportove of the other girl instead of throwing a temper tantrum. Even in professional fotball they don't let the best players all the time.

What else are you doing to bring on her sport? Have you looked into youth pathways? That’s your local club. That’s their decision and that’s team sports for you. If you want her to have more time on the pitch then look for other options for her to get it, no club survives on just one person for their position. It’s a lesson in life, especially in team sports.

If she’s not comfortable showing up for her team anymore then she moves, if you feel like it’s not the right environment then move - but don’t expect things to always stay the same at the next club.

good luck!

The other girl should be allowed to train but your DD should be picked for more matches if she is more committed and is better. That's how it usually works at this age.

I think she should go to every babe as well to support her team. Kind of shocked that you’re supporting her skipping half the games because she’s throwing a fit.

My son is a bit younger but was a goalie for years before quitting football this year. Of course they needed more than one goalie. He played 75% of the time (as he didn’t play defence and the other goalie preferred being on the field) but he was always there to cheer on his team regardless.

My DCs football team had this from U11 age I think it’s totally normal and makes sense otherwise the keeper can never be ill or go on holiday during the season. It’s great that she’s the better goalie, maybe she can make friends and help the other girl improve.

Your daughter can't be the only star! Footbsll is teamwork!

I don't think it's a great lesson for her if you all agree she should quit when things aren't going exactly her way. It's normal in youth sports for roles to be shared and play time split between players, especially in a team game like football.

I would encourage her to be a team player and keep going, at least for a while. Encourage her to use this as motivation to train even harder. Remind her that one of the joys of sport is perseverance wven when times feel tough.

This is how it works in football.

Your daughter is not indispensable and doesn’t own her position as goalkeeper.

You are not setting a good example with your self absorbed attitude.

Some subs travel and don’t even have any play time.

YABVU

This ^^

My son used to play rugby and was one of their strongest players. But he used to get subbed off so that everyone who turned up had a chance to play. They are kids and they should all be given an opportunity. If your daughter is good enough maybe she should join an academy where they will play the strongest. She may well not like being on the other side of things though.

That’s the way it is. It’s a squad. First team place not guaranteed and as others have said, you need 2 goalies. You can’t do one week off, one on because you need your spare goalie on the bench in case of injury or even just to rotate.

its a team game. Your daughter should turn up and be part of it, regardless if she’s first choice or not. I’ve coached teams and parents taking umbrage at their kid not playing is a nightmare tbh.

Same here. At least DS runs middle distance and XC, so we travel hours for a whole 2 mins of running! Last year, I drove from London to Durham, overnight hotel, watched c.20 mins of (XC) running, then drove back again.

This seems like a total overreaction from both of you. Is your daughter hoping to become a professional footballer? That's the only reason I can think she might be reacting this way. If she's just playing for fun then I don't understand why she can't share her position. When she's not playing she can be on the sidelines supporting her friends like other subs do.

In my experience of kids' sports club (football and netball) there are two main kinds. There are the super competitive clubs who will form their teams based on performance and have trials every year so the weaker players get cut. Then there are the clubs that are more about having fun and making friends. These clubs will ensure equal match time for everyone, regardless of ability. Your daughter getting upset about a friendly match makes me think she's quite competitive whereas the coach seems more focussed on giving everyone a chance. Maybe this club just isn't a good fit for her now? Or maybe she's just not a team player and an individual sport would suit her better?

I've been around grassroots football for years. It is unusual especially in a girl's team to have more than one dedicated keeper.
A defender would usually sub in due to illness or absence.
You should be getting more than half a game playing time though so your DD or the other keeper would play some of the game outfield.
Keepers who are half decent are in high demand. It is the least popular position and sometimes impossible to fill. I would be tempted to look for another team.
The traveling time is annoying but you are being a bit unreasonable here. Many of her teammates will have to travel for 20-30 mins playing time. It's just the way it is.

You need to view this as a vitally important life lesson for her.

Does she stay and prove she's the better keeper. Or does she run away when faced with something that doesn't go her way?

Get her to learn now that despite being better, despite being their longer, sometimes things aren't fair. Thats a cruel fact of life. Get her realise that now.

And to prove she is a bigger person by supporting the other keeper and doing her part for her team.

Surely that’s due to girls football being traditionally undersubscribed? If they are now at the place of having more than 11 players, that’s brilliant!