AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

[derFutterneid]

I have been working somewhere for nearly 10 years, after being a SAHM. I loved my job, but the company has gone through many restructures and it has changed completely.

Over the past 2 years we have had many redundancies and people not replaced. As a result my workload has massively increased. On top of this many of my colleagues have sought out doctors notes, and other things to exempt them from certain tasks. I have been given this extra work too. This has caused me a lot of stress. It also affects others and a few of my work colleagues are now on antidepressants or have left. Our staff turnover is horrendous. People are leaving with no job to go to. Everyone is unhappy and it is a toxic environment.

Anyway, I had my appraisal and it went OK, but afterwards I realised I had been downgraded. I asked some of my colleagues, not directly, but they confirmed they received higher. I was really upset about this, as I'd say I was one of a few people who do the lions share. I even manage the department when there is no manager. Since my boss is on holiday I asked the next level up (it is usual to escalate to this person) about my appraisal.

What then followed has really shocked me. I was told that it had been agreed amongst them to downgrade me as whilst my work was excellent and appreciated, I had a bad attitude and my behaviours are not aligning with what they list as what we should be demonstrating. Apparently people say hello to me, and I have my head down and barely acknowledge them or I am in a mood and people tread on eggshells around me. I am a thorn in the managers side, and I bring problems to the manager but not solutions. I am abrupt. I was totally shocked by this because in the 30 years that I have been working, and the many appraisals I have had, I have never had this feedback. In fact I have constantly been told I am very popular and respected and a go to person if someone needs help. I have never worked with this manager. It felt like a character assassination.

Some points;

I asked for some specific examples, but they could not name one.

I have never had a complaint made about me by a customer, or by a colleague in 10 years.

Apparently I am too outspoken, but they specifically asked me to join a group of staff to talk about branch issues. I asked to step down from this and was asked to stay as my opinions are valued. After one meeting the head of the company told my manager that they were really impressed with how I professionally handled myself. Seeing me upset, a friendly manager told me that I had pissed off one of the managers by questioning something, and that the company ask for my opinion, but don't always like the answers.

In this company, I have had at least 18 appraisals and mid years, and not once have I ever had feedback on my attitude. There is no history of this whatsoever.

Now, I am not disputing my attitude and behaviours. However I asked them to put it into context. I am covering a very large portion of the workload. I have asked to reduce my hours, and change my days (there is one week a month where I work 7 out of 8 days in a row). I come home stressed out and crying. I have raised concerns numerous times about my workload and improving my work life balance. These have all been rejected as we are short staffed and it doesn't suit the business. I asked to move department and they have said no. So, with that in mind, yes I look stressed, I look unhappy, I may not be skipping along saying hello to everyone. However, no one has complained about me, neither staff member or client.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

This manager suggested that I get my manager and a couple of other managers who also work along side me in a room and they tell me bluntly about my attitude and behaviours, I can then go away, reflect on it, and come back acting differently. I don't really like the sound of this!!!

My DH is not being very supportive about me leaving. He says I shouldn't till I get another job, but I just don't see how I can stay if this is what they think of me. My adult DC say that I am going to end up having a heart attack or stroke and it is not worth it.

AIBU to be upset, or is this kind of feedback normal?

What would you advise me?

What's stopping me leaving;

The money was invested and it feels good.
I like to be busy, and have structure to my week.
I'm in my 50's, it'll be hard to get another job. However, I do have another job that I enjoy and I can develop (I am a pilates instructor)

Wait until you actual boss comes back and appeal your down grading.
I think they graded you incorrectly.

Then stay in your job and do a little less work and more enjoyable connecting.

You are being managed out clearly in what can only be described as an utterly toxic workplace.

Think about how you want to approach from your side but for your mental health and general overall wellbeing you do need to get out so in that regard at least you and them are on the same page.

You can wait for redundancy which is unlikely to come because of your length of service, you can go sick (I’d strongly consider this one with no reference to concern yourself with and the fact it is pretty true due to the enormous stress they put you under) or you can quit at a time of your choosing that works for you and continue working in the meantime.

They are probably clueless about the extent of the work you carry for them in practice but they will get a few others in to replace you with no penalty to them personally and the shit culture will just continue.

Why should people just be expected to leave because they have a poor manager? Surely the responsibility should be on the organisation to address poor management, rather than forcing good employees out.
I remember taking on a huge amount of work restructuring the pay bands, only to be the only person in the company who didn’t receive a pay rise! Even someone who had a warning on their record got one. That was the beginning of a year of bullying from my boss, which eventually led to me taking them to an employment tribunal.

I’m glad you’ve decided to resign. Don’t try to get them to see what they’ve done or how you’re not the person they’re describing. Maybe you are behaving as they describe. If you are, it’s likely because it’s an unpleasant environment and you’re best off out of it anyway.

Just resign, put your head down and move on. End of story. There’s absolutely no point in trying to get closure and it’s stress you out more to try.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

There's your clue.

It's not you, it's them.

And I"m wondering, given the way some young people in their 20s have come up through a system where those of us who yeach them are not supposed to question them (confronting), put them on the spot (confronting), and that their mental health is supposed to be paramount - I wonder if this is the future of work places? That it's more important to say "Hello" in a happy way than get on with a work overload; that your manner is worse than their incompetence. And so on.

If so god help us.

Your plan to up your hours on your other job is a good one, and then leave. As you say, it's a toxic workplace, and it's through bad & incompetent management.

But go on extended sick leave first. Let them miss you.

Sorry to hear this @derFutterneid - I can say with certainty they are trying to manage you out unfortunately, my former employer did exactly the same gaslighting tactics re impossible workloads with short deadlines and alleged "issues" that had been raised, yet failed to give an example when I asked them so that I could improve. In my case, it didn't get any better and I eventually resigned with no job to go to.

I'd start looking, speak to a union for advice if you are in one, go off sick if it gets really bad. But ultimately, if you can afford to, don't put up with this crap. Its nearly a year since my former employer did this and I'm still getting over it, although things are continuing to get better.

The feedback appears to be delivered in an unprofessional manner, which suggests the managers need training. Language like "thorn in my side" isn't helpful to you.

However experience says a toxic workplace doesn't get better unless there are significant changes at the top and a willingness to change the culture.

What are your retirement plans?

Being honest I think you have a clear case for stress sickness absence. You can hand in your notice today. Call in sick on Monday. Self cert for a week and on Friday go to the doctor's telling them what you said here about burnout, taking on too much and not sleeping (I wouldn't mention the appraisal as that sounds knee jerk. I think you've been a boiled frog for a while and that just tipped you over into realising nothing you do is good enough).

Get signed off for the 3 weeks of your notice period and use it to increase your pilates hours and apply for other roles.

They will soon realise what they've lost when the willing horse who's always flogged has enough.

Your reference is X for Y anyway so it doesn't matter. Plus you could get a reference from the person who books you for pilates classes.

You acknowledge your behaviour has gone from positive to negative, you're not enjoying your job due to the workload, and you don't hold back when given an opportunity to express this. It sounds like you're not really in disagreement about this.

You and your boss also both agree that your work standard is excellent.

The issue is you're internalising this and assuming responsibility for all of it. You are not an awful person. You are a lovely person who has tried to do their best, been extremely poorly managed, and whose outward behaviour at work has deteriorated as a result.

Behaviour is completely different from character.

You can acknowledge your part in how the work relationship has come to this - e.g. not setting boundaries, but so far they don't seem to be acknowledging their part at all. To give you this feedback informally, following a formal appraisal during which none of it was said, is just awful management. If your manager is afraid of you and unable to communicate, they shouldn't be in their job. That is all 100% on them, not you.

I would send a brief email stating that you found it unacceptable to be downgraded without a reason being given in your appraisal, and to be given very negative feedback immediately following your appraisal by a manager you have never worked with, and that you find the company management to be poor. Put in your notice.

I would then say very little, as it sounds like they would be unlikely to understand anyway and you'd be wasting your email/breath. I would go high and detached and work out your notice period doing only your contracted hours and your contracted job description. But please do not leave thinking you could have done better or that you are an awful person.

I have never been told with such vitriol that I have a bad attitude and just the phrase "my behaviour" totally shocked me. It was like being told that I am a naughty schoolgirl and my behaviour is not where it should be and I cannot go on the school trip.

Oh, the irony!! Being told that your attitude is off-putting, and being told like that. Being managed by vitriol and bad attitude!

Did they not notice their own attitude? You've been non-managed by an incompetent person, who is threatened by you.

I'd be fascinated by the sex of the manager ... but then an insecure 29 yo man is probably much the same as an insecure 29 yo woman.

It's a min wage job you claim you don't need the money from. You're desperately unhappy and feel overworked and underappreciated. In fact they are actively saying you've a poor attitude.

To do anything other than simply quit would be a continued waste of your energy.

Leave

Totally agree with this. You don’t owe them any favours so put yourself first. Get signed off with stress and use the time to really think about what you want to do. That might be developing the Pilates or getting a part time job in Tesco. Don’t answer any calls from work and just relax. Once you have a plan then you can resign.
And when you contact them to say you are going off sick just ring and be very basic. I am not coming in this week as I’m suffering with stress. That is it. Good luck!

Are you in HRT? Shaking with stress doesn't sound good, it's like a panic attack. Apologies if you are but HRT can really help with this because stressful situations become more difficult to cope with due to lack of oestrogen.

For minimum wage I would just leave. If you get sick pay then call in sick during the notice period, you can self-certify for 5 days. It may not be best to be signed off as unwell if you work another job and continue to attend it whilst sick, although if the roles are very different and you are signed off with work related stress due to your current workplace culture you potentially can argue that your other job is not causing any difficulties.

Given you’ve had no prior history of complaints etc and the profile of the office is younger, you’re now a bad fit.
Not quite “the right sort of person.” The company ethos has changed and you’ve outgrown it.

Reframe your thinking, compartmentalise and get angry. Resolve to do the minimum to keep the job ticking over whilst you look for another job.
Paste a smile on your face and take on no extra work. Let others take up the slack.

Or go off sick with stress. make sure the GP knows and puts down on the form, “work related stress”
Take the full paid time of sickleave then go back for a day or two and go off sick again. They’ve treated you badly so manipulate the system to get maximum paid sick leave.

They should have addressed any perceived performance issues properly and they haven’t

Guess there’s no union or HR.

Work out how you can best cause them disruption while working your way out of the company.

They weren’t saying this to spite you presumably?

I think after a decade of working you don’t need to mention that you were a sahm before!

I think you have made the best decision for you and wish you all the best in future.

I addressed this already. It has to have concrete proof and, in theory, has to stand up in court so most of the employers would avoid giving negative reference as its rarely worth the hassle.

Hi OP, similar thing happened to me. I worked hard and did a really good job, lots of people liked me. Management clearly thought I was a problem and did their best to get me to quit. I was lucky enough to be able to so I did.
I actually looked it up its a real thing people being sacked because they are too good.
Its like that bit at the start of Hot Fuzz when the Met police get rid of Simon Pegg's character because he is making everyone else look bad.
I can tell you its not you its them. Google it, lots and lots of stories, and even in my own acquaintance group two colleagues same firm as me sacked or job deleted so they left, both top quality people.
Take it as a compliment! We are the elite!

They are piling too much stress on the shoulders of a minimally paid job. I’d hand my notice in if I could or look for a different job immediately

This.

Hand in your notice today, staying will make you ill.

I also got targeted because my boss was jealous of how well I managed my unit

Pilates is a great option. It’s really hot at the moment, always waiting lists for classes at my local sports centre.