AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

[derFutterneid]

I have been working somewhere for nearly 10 years, after being a SAHM. I loved my job, but the company has gone through many restructures and it has changed completely.

Over the past 2 years we have had many redundancies and people not replaced. As a result my workload has massively increased. On top of this many of my colleagues have sought out doctors notes, and other things to exempt them from certain tasks. I have been given this extra work too. This has caused me a lot of stress. It also affects others and a few of my work colleagues are now on antidepressants or have left. Our staff turnover is horrendous. People are leaving with no job to go to. Everyone is unhappy and it is a toxic environment.

Anyway, I had my appraisal and it went OK, but afterwards I realised I had been downgraded. I asked some of my colleagues, not directly, but they confirmed they received higher. I was really upset about this, as I'd say I was one of a few people who do the lions share. I even manage the department when there is no manager. Since my boss is on holiday I asked the next level up (it is usual to escalate to this person) about my appraisal.

What then followed has really shocked me. I was told that it had been agreed amongst them to downgrade me as whilst my work was excellent and appreciated, I had a bad attitude and my behaviours are not aligning with what they list as what we should be demonstrating. Apparently people say hello to me, and I have my head down and barely acknowledge them or I am in a mood and people tread on eggshells around me. I am a thorn in the managers side, and I bring problems to the manager but not solutions. I am abrupt. I was totally shocked by this because in the 30 years that I have been working, and the many appraisals I have had, I have never had this feedback. In fact I have constantly been told I am very popular and respected and a go to person if someone needs help. I have never worked with this manager. It felt like a character assassination.

Some points;

I asked for some specific examples, but they could not name one.

I have never had a complaint made about me by a customer, or by a colleague in 10 years.

Apparently I am too outspoken, but they specifically asked me to join a group of staff to talk about branch issues. I asked to step down from this and was asked to stay as my opinions are valued. After one meeting the head of the company told my manager that they were really impressed with how I professionally handled myself. Seeing me upset, a friendly manager told me that I had pissed off one of the managers by questioning something, and that the company ask for my opinion, but don't always like the answers.

In this company, I have had at least 18 appraisals and mid years, and not once have I ever had feedback on my attitude. There is no history of this whatsoever.

Now, I am not disputing my attitude and behaviours. However I asked them to put it into context. I am covering a very large portion of the workload. I have asked to reduce my hours, and change my days (there is one week a month where I work 7 out of 8 days in a row). I come home stressed out and crying. I have raised concerns numerous times about my workload and improving my work life balance. These have all been rejected as we are short staffed and it doesn't suit the business. I asked to move department and they have said no. So, with that in mind, yes I look stressed, I look unhappy, I may not be skipping along saying hello to everyone. However, no one has complained about me, neither staff member or client.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

This manager suggested that I get my manager and a couple of other managers who also work along side me in a room and they tell me bluntly about my attitude and behaviours, I can then go away, reflect on it, and come back acting differently. I don't really like the sound of this!!!

My DH is not being very supportive about me leaving. He says I shouldn't till I get another job, but I just don't see how I can stay if this is what they think of me. My adult DC say that I am going to end up having a heart attack or stroke and it is not worth it.

AIBU to be upset, or is this kind of feedback normal?

What would you advise me?

What's stopping me leaving;

The money was invested and it feels good.
I like to be busy, and have structure to my week.
I'm in my 50's, it'll be hard to get another job. However, I do have another job that I enjoy and I can develop (I am a pilates instructor)

You do get some strange people in the workplace in management positions. They have odd attitudes some of them. Especially towards women who are older, and who have opinions about work practices they can draw attention to.
If women do have to be in the workplace, as they see it, they prefer them compliant, young and smiley.

There's no point reflecting on previous appraisals etc- people and organisations change. My place of work has had constant restructures in recent years and lots of long timers who would have been considered crucial until recently are being let go. It's now considered a disadvantage to have tenure there.

I've been in leadership in different orgs and it sucks how others will fall into behind one person's view about attitude etc. I see so many people believing a) their years/putting up with overwork counts for something and b) that HR are there for them. Sorry OP. Fuck this underpaid nonsense and commit to the pilates. You won't know yourself!

No brainer - walk in with your letter of resignation giving whatever notice you have to. Book any unused holiday.

just do it - you already have a plan with your Pilates and it sounds like you need some time out to recover and decompress. Life is too short for this .

I would leave, and time it so that it causes them the maximum amount of disruption.

You say it’s not about the money and you’re on minimum wage. I can’t understand why you’re still there TBH. I would happily tell them to fuck off and trounce out the door.

I see you have already decided to hand your notice in. Good. Send a short professional letter/email. Ask them to acknowledge it.

I don’t know how much notice you have to work or how much annual leave you have left to take. Otherwise if you can’t face going in then ask your GP to sign you off with stress. Personally I would go in, work to rule and make it clear professionally of course that management are the reason you are leaving (but then I’m very petty). But it does sound like for whatever reason they wanted to push you out so at least they got their way so don’t have any reason to be pissy with you for your notice period.

100% go off sick right now and get advice from your union.

They can't give you a bad reference, its not allowed.

They can if what they say is truthful.

I agree on the going off sick point as attendance information can be requested as part of a factual reference but if you took a week off sick to reflect and manage your (understandable) anxiety caused by work in the context of your great attendance record and long service I doubt it would put future employers off.
After a week to recalibrate I would resign, work my notice doing my job but nothing additionally declining to do any other tasks beyond the scope of my role with a calm (and smiley), “oh do accept my apologies- I can’t take on additional work, I don’t have capacity and can’t envisage that this will change throughout the course of my notice period”.

Your workplace sounds extremely toxic and whilst it may have impacted your behaviour, the bigger picture is that you deserve better and could do with a fresh start.

The problem seems to be that a bunch of over-promoted (but cheap) 20-somethings can't cope with managing a wordly-wise woman who knows her own mind.
Resign and leave them to it.

The supermarkets will have NMW jobs available coming up to Christmas, you certainly don't need to be beholden to this lot of numpties.
Even the best paid job in the world isn't worth compromising your health for, this NMW with all the attendant downsides job, certainly isn't. Go do more of your Pilates and if you can get a few supermarket hours you can add that pay to your savings.

Based on what you’ve said, I do suspect you’re not coming across that pleasant at work and potentially very difficult.

But it’s the toxic environment that has made you that way. Poor managers really don’t appreciate how awful they can make you feel, and when your behaviour starts changing in response to that, then they see you as the problem rather than them having caused it.

The not saying hello point is something I’m very familiar with. I worked somewhere many years ago that didn’t start toxic but changed as people left and joined. When I realised colleagues wouldn’t respond when I said “good morning” but did respond to others, I just stopped saying anything in the morning when I arrived. Yet guess who was the one picked up on my poor attitude for not saying good morning in the mornings.

It’s easy to miss how these places have broken you down and changed who you are as a person. Especially when you’re generally a well liked person in the workplace and get on with others.

Leave. Find a new job. I couldn’t leave without having another job to go to, but I finally found one after 6 months or so and was so much happier, and didn’t realise how much my previous job had affected me in the workplace. Your happiness and sanity is more important.

Quit.
But just to fuck with them, ask for their stress at work risk assessment, involve a union, get signed off by a GP. They deserve to get in the shit.

https://www.hse.gov.uk/stress/risk-assessment.htm
"Employers have a legal duty to protect workers from stress at work by doing a risk assessment and acting on it."

Your concerns about not having prepped enough for taking Pilates classes would be addressed by resigning. I'd build up your Pilates business, you'll be paid more than minimum wage and also have time to yourself. The stress isn't worth it. You own them nothing, they've treated you appallingly. Hand in your notice, do only what you're contracted to do, with a smile and walk away with your head held high

If it’s an alright job minus the stress and management, go cold. Do the minimum, take them for as much money as possible, you get paid the same whether you are stressed or not.

Start to look for another job in the mean time.

They have decided to manage you out of the organisation. The next step will be a PIP. Get out before they issue one.

May be they want to move to all contractors?

You know who you are. You know your worth. Sounds like they have zero understanding of how to create a positive work environment - “tell us how we can improve. No, really, we want your opinions.” To “How dare you give us your opinions!!” I wonder if you’d have had the same feedback if you were male?

Either way, I think you (and your shitty husband) need to put your health and wellbeing closer to the top of the list of priorities- you only get one life.

I would be tempted to discuss again. Relaying that you are not a robot and have x.y,z tasks that others refuse to do, your work load has increased due to cut backs and you are still being paid minimum wage. You are also expected to work 7 days in a row occasionally. You are allowed to stick up for yourself. And i also agree with others that getting a new role elsewhere is a good idea!

I would definitely leave in your position. Do it first thing tomorrow. Go off sick for your leave period. Fuck them

If it was me Op (I'm spiteful), I would go in work, go to HR and ask to put in a formal complaint about your manager. They did not do a proper review, did not tell you, you were being downgraded (the most important fact that should have come from the review), did not give you examples of your supposed bad attitude and most importantly, did not give you a right of reply. I would say this has caused you a great deal of stress. I would also say that you feel menopausal / post menopausal women are not sufficiently supported and you want to raise a complaint about this as well. Then go on the sick for as long as possible then leave. Never set foot in there again.

I think I'd just leave, before it moves from being stressful into actually suffering from stress and then not being able to work at all.

You say you're not disputing being marked down, I would dispute this, given they have never raised it with you during the course of the year and can't give any specific examples. An appraisal should be a formalisation of the years discussions, not a place to bring up areas you need to improve for the first time. Also any learning points should be specific and measurable not just 'appear happier'.

Are there any other colleagues that you trust that you could ask for feedback from?

Lastly I would have a meeting with your manager, and maybe one of the other managers who isn't 'scared of you'(the one who gave you a heads up?). In this I'd formally dispute the appraisal results given they've (presumably) not followed procedure described int he second paragraph. I'd also be telling them the work is making me stressed and ask what they proposed to address this given they want me to appear less stressed.

I'd probably then get aigned off with stress, so you can look for another job while still being employed.

Honestly what you've said sounds like a constructive dismissal case, I know people who have got pay outs for less

Yes I agree with this. I’d ask your GP for help managing with the menopause.

@derFutterneid my immediate reaction to this is constructive dismissal.
The way this has been (mis)managed is a disgrace.
If you decide to leave I would seriously look into this, put a shot across their bows at the very least.
Are you in a union?

As I read I thought you were in a senior professional role given the huge emphasis on behavioural feedback and the extent of management involvement and I also like others thought “she’s got her card marked, too much of a threat to senior management and seen as someone getting in the way of their structuring plans” but when you said it was a minimum wage job? This is FAR too much management focus for that! Leave and find something else! Don’t give them any more of your time. But are you by any chance someone who would qualify for a large redundancy payment because of your tenure if they went through a process? Worth thinking about whether they are looking to get you to resign to avoid that (and whether there’s a constructive dismissal). To look at it from the other viewpoint for half a second it may be that new leadership have decided they want to be more “robust” on performance and are going at it in a bad way given there’s no clarity of feedback at all, but even so, this job is simply not worth that.

I also fully agree with everything previous posters have said about how badly they have handled your review. Feedback should never be a surprise in a review and the rating should have been given directly not afterwards. The “downgrade” may be because of an organisational moderation process of reviews but even then it should have been properly discussed with you and the fact it wasn’t shows how poorly your manager handled it. Some of what they’ve said is so unprofessional eg about people being scared of you?? It’s the manager’s job to have made the feedback happen!

If you are on minimum wage and you find yourself managing the whole department in the absence of the manager, you are being exploited. Leave.