AIBU to stop helping after injuring myself lifting elderly neighbour?

[Barney221]

We are a rural road of 5 houses. One house is lived in by an elderly couple one of which has dementia and the other is paralyzed. Over the last few years the gentleman who is paralyzed has fallen frequently and the rest of us have been called and gone and picked him up. We are all 60 plus except for one lad in his 20s.

This afternoon all the male members of the 3 closest homes were out. He fell from his wheelchair in his mobility van and as the only 2 people available my female neighbour and I were summoned by his wife. She and I couldn't get him up so rang another elderly male neighbour. He came and he worked from the front whilst I pulled him from the back. We got him into the wheelchair but it then slipped back into me propelling me backwards down the ramp and off it onto the tarmac drive. Hes fine but I've had to go to a and e and I've got ruptured ligaments in one knee and bruising rand cuts to both and I'm struggling to walk. I'm unlikely to be able to drive for a few days and I'm self employed.

My husband is livid and is saying that he will call the couples kids tomorrow and tell them we are no longer available to pick him up. This will include DHs brother who Is one of 5 houses. Is that unreasonable?

That is the correct procedure. Other people should not be putting themselves at risk of injury. If it is happening all the time then the person needs better care. They may have to pay for it.

@GinaandGin why is it a bad decision? I would rather die than be in a care home.

An elderly friend who fell off a sofa called an ambulance, but the ambulance service said that they would be about 5 hours, and to ask neighbours to help him.
My DH went and managed to get the friend up.
We then got a message from his daughter asking us to be on call for him.
We had to refuse. We couldn’t be available 24/7.

I am not saying for a minute op should be lifting someone. But people regularly fall if they have carers or are in care homes.
Lots of comments on this thread are clueless of the realities of being old.

Five hours is quick for an ambulance after a fall.

This is what I have done a couple of times for an elderly neighbour!

Sorry to hear you have been hurt in this way.
At my workplace (hospital ward) we are actually forbidden to lift patients and use proper manual handling equipment to get people off the floor if they fall. If we do hurt ourselves while not following proper guidelines then our Trust won’t pay out any compensation.
I’ve known people be so badly injured by lifting other people or objects that they’re off work for months, or even forever; including an ex colleague who was literally only 18 when he damaged his back by lifting pallets!
One thing I have learned from patient care is that you can hurt yourself while doing the care but you won’t get any thanks from the patient, they usually forget your name as soon as you leave the room - I hate to say this but your neighbour may have a similar attitude.
One of my colleagues knows of a local business that actually specialises in lifting people off the floor following a fall using various specialist equipment while protecting their head & neck.. then the person who fell can be assessed by a dr or paramedic from the comfort of their bed or recliner rather than the floor.
The issue with lifting a neighbour is that they themselves may be further injured if not moved in a safe way.. you won’t know if they’ve damaged their neck when they fell for example - if a person has osteoporosis as a co morbidity they can easily get a small fracture with little pain.
Also they should be assessed by a professional after falling to find out what caused their fall as they may need a hospital admission.
So you and the other neighbours will be doing this gentleman a favour by refusing to lift him again.

We thought 5 hours was terrible.

Anyway my point is, the ambulance service told him to get neighbours in to lift him.

If he is making decisions that are repeatedly causing him to fall...

You mean standing up and being at all mobile?

And you will get no thanks if you injury yourself

Please also let adult social services know

Definitely correct, carers would be in huge trouble if they attempted to lift him. The possibility of de-gloving an elderly persons skin when lifting them os too huge a risk

I know people do fall with carers, less so in homes because moves are supervised. However OPs neighbours clearly need more help. They may think they are keeping themselves independent but this is coming at others people’s health and well being.

Ruptured ligaments in one knee?? Is it your ACL, PCL or MCL? Whichever this is a very serious injury which will require a significant amount of time to heal, possibly with surgery and definitely with extensive physio. You won't be able to help out, and may need support yourself if you go the surgery route. Do either of you have insurance you can use to help with lose of income and for physio etc? This is much more than just not helping out your neighbour anymore. I ruptured my ACL a few years back and it still causes issues (I'm not able to do everything I could before), and a friend did hers even earlier and has had 3 surgeries and still has pain etc.

You could do permanent damage to your back. Tell the wife that next time she needs to ring 999 and paramedics will lift witjout any damage to anyone.

The OP didn't say her husband is livid with the offspring. She said he's livid [about the situation] and is going to call the children.

Why should a neighbour have to have this conversation? The children are their close family, presumably next of kin - it's their role to support and have difficult conversations with their parents, not the neighbours!

Speaking as a clinician I would say that I wouldn't pass judgement on someone's decision, but they and their families cannot expect other people to risk injury to themselves or to the person concerned. Families cannot expect people to be the "person on call"

Because the person concerned has capacity. He has asked for the OP and others to help and its right to treat it as any other neighbour request that you need to decline and to speak directly to the person who is asking.

The real scenario is the elderly person falls over outside.

The ambulance wait is 5 hours or more.

It's late autumn at 4pm.

Its dark and getting darker.

It's cold and getting colder.

Then it begins to rain...

Then what???

All the procedures in the world, rules etc count for nothing. Someone has to lift that person off the increasingly wet ground, likely pavement, fast...

And the family argument is a very grey area. Families often don't get on, live hundreds of miles away, have no idea about the elderly persons finances and ability to pay for care, and can't have a reasoned conversation.. My parents tell me "when we are gone" (you'll know everything) without addressing anything about the present, getting very argumentative, they say their lives are 'none of my business'... Game over as a child (in one's 60s). They talk about wonderful neighbours but I've never spoken to one when visiting in decades.. They never visit my parents. It's all in their head...

The TV show 'heartbeat' has a lot to answer for where everyone's lovely and helpful!!!

All the witnesses to my parents wills are long dead... Another issue. The people they relied on in the past are ALL gone. And they haven't realised it.

You have all been such wonderfully kind and caring neighbours, it’s so nice to know that there are still communities and people out there who care for each other, you should all be proud of yourselves.

However this has to stop now. Their children are being ridiculously naive, selfish and foolish thinking their parents can live at home without help. How dare they rely on you? All it takes is for the wife to forget she’s left the gas hob or the oven on or for her to seriously injure herself and a fatal disaster could take place - it’s not like the husband can do anything if he’s paralysed! How can they think this is sensible/okay? This is putting both them and you as neighbours in danger! This is absolutely reckless and outrageous and they need a stern talking to. This will end in disaster/tragedy. They need to be in assisted living or a home.

I do hope you recover quickly OP and wish you all the best.

Sounds crazy that they’re living in such a tiny rural community with severe disability and dementia. They need to move somewhere more sensible for their conditions. You have been too kind and too helpful already. And ended up hurt.
I would make a call to adult social care, even if they’re unlikely to help it might be logged. And call 999 once more if it happens. Then I would be leaving it and not doing anything at all. They’re being irresponsible staying where they are. At some point it comes down to them to take responsibility- or their kids OR the local authority.

I agree with DH.

His family need to be supporting him now, lord knows how they cope.

Wouldnt they be better living where more help is at hand and trained people are looking after them both?

Nobody should be lifting an elderly person if they don't know how to do it safely. It's lovely that you and your neighbours have been trying to help, but this arrangement is not appropriate or sustainable.

The couple and/or their family need to make better arrangements for their care. I am all in favour of helping neighbours, but not in a way that puts anyone at risk.