AIBU to stop helping after injuring myself lifting elderly neighbour?

[Barney221]

We are a rural road of 5 houses. One house is lived in by an elderly couple one of which has dementia and the other is paralyzed. Over the last few years the gentleman who is paralyzed has fallen frequently and the rest of us have been called and gone and picked him up. We are all 60 plus except for one lad in his 20s.

This afternoon all the male members of the 3 closest homes were out. He fell from his wheelchair in his mobility van and as the only 2 people available my female neighbour and I were summoned by his wife. She and I couldn't get him up so rang another elderly male neighbour. He came and he worked from the front whilst I pulled him from the back. We got him into the wheelchair but it then slipped back into me propelling me backwards down the ramp and off it onto the tarmac drive. Hes fine but I've had to go to a and e and I've got ruptured ligaments in one knee and bruising rand cuts to both and I'm struggling to walk. I'm unlikely to be able to drive for a few days and I'm self employed.

My husband is livid and is saying that he will call the couples kids tomorrow and tell them we are no longer available to pick him up. This will include DHs brother who Is one of 5 houses. Is that unreasonable?

You don’t need to help someone to the extent that you are injuring yourself.

You should call an ambulance in this scenario. My parents had a similar scenario a few years back. I had to tell them to stop trying to lift the elderly man and help by calling 999. They weren’t qualified to determine if the person they were helping was injured and safe to move. I also didn’t want them getting injured.

Thanks all. Part of the problem is the close knit relationship. My DH and his brother have lived here for 60 years. DH has told the son who he's known since he was born repeatedly that the situation can't carry on. Going forward we will be calling him followed by an ambulance. Neighbours agree.

I can well believe that. One of the reasons my parents NDN insisted on my father helping him was because he had totally run out of goodwill on the part of his son in law. Also, people are selfish, why should they do it if they can get you to do it.

@Barney221

Never help again. You should have not started it anyway. People take advantage. My DH used to cut the hedges and mow the lawns of a woman on her own closeby (about 5 years older than us,) and he did it for 7 years.... I do my share of everything, and then some... I have always done 80% of everything ... shopping, cooking, childcare, washing, housework, life admin, and most of the gardening. DH cuts the high/big hedges and the lawns. (And various blue jobs, like to do with the car, DIY and heavy lifting etc, and occasional household tasks!) We are in our mid-late 50s.

A couple of years ago, DH started to get a bad back - a combination of old age, and lots of physical labour in his 30s and 40s, (before getting into admin at 48.) And he said he can't do it for her any more. He can still do ours but it's too much doing other peoples. It took him ages as she has 4 quite large lawns and long high hedges. It was taking a day or two a month during summer.

So I told her in 2024, that DH wouldn't be doing it any more, because of health reasons, and she said 'oh, OK, well I don't know what I shall do then....' I said 'there are several people nearby who mow lawns, and cut hedges, and the like.. I have a card in the house I can pass to you...' She just frowned.

Then she said 'well can't you do it?' I said 'well not really, I don't do big hedges and lawns, its out of my physical remit.' She said 'well maybe you should give it a go, it may make you fitter and get you out of the house, and trim you down a little bit.' I was gobsmacked. I said 'no I don't think I will be doing it, and I do get reasonable exercise and do a lot, and I get out of the house plenty!' and I was like (I am not even that big/overweight, so the 'get trimmer' comment was out of order!) Even if I had been, it would still have been rude!

She could see/detect I was offended, but she laughed and said' ooh, don't take it personally I can see I've hit a raw nerve.' I said 'of course I am taking it personally, the comments were aimed directly at me.' She said 'oh don't be so silly!' Speaking to me as if I was 5! Really dismissive and rude. I said 'I have to go put dinner on now.' Then I turned my back and went back home.

2 years ago, and I have never forgiven her, and don't speak to her anymore. She has tried to speak a few times, (in the 3-4 weeks after she was so rude!) but she hasn't bothered since. GOOD. She can fuck off. We may have been able to help her a bit with other things that she was struggling with, like taking her to the shops if her car was off the road, or bits here and there, but I wouldn't lift a finger to do anything for her now. She was so fucking rude, ungrateful, and nasty, and KNOWS she offended me, but never apologised. In 2 years, not one word of 'sorry I offended you.' So to hell with her. For 7 fucking years my husband did her lawns and hedges.

Bit of a rant there sorry, but I just wanted to explain how bloody ungrateful some people can be. So be prepared for some anger and resistance when you start refusing to do anything else, after helping for so long! No good deed goes unpunished and all that!

!

We’ve had similar situations here. You don’t need to be responsible if he becomes further injured during a lift, or, as we were, when he fell and no one was around to pick him up: ‘Ooh this is all Geller’s fault, why wasn’t she available to sort him out’….The next of kin were unaware how bad things were.

Please make sure your other helpful neighbours know that you’ve been incapacitated and that they all need to back you in saying together, we can’t help in future.

I hope you heal soon. You’ve more than done your bit. Time for professional help for them now. 💐

Not livid with the kids. DH is just mad my lovely NDN and I tried to help and I'm the one hurt.

That's not the case if the person has a lifter. You position it behind the person who's fallen and it wedges itself underneath them and gets them standing with no human help. I've seen one in action and they're amazing.

You shouldn't help someone whose fallen and can't get up by themselves as you can hurt them more.

You call an ambulance and wait with the neighbours until they arrive, keeping your neighbour warm and hydrated. The ambulance team will have the safest kit to hand to help get him up, and check him over for any injuries.

Our society is such a mess. One with dementia and one paralysed = ludicrous for them to be living alone. Absolutely ludicrous. I don’t know how our society has got into such a mess. People have always got old and have a variety of issues and then they die. It’s not like this hasn’t happened a million times before. i feel particularly bitter about it as my mum, sf, mil and fil have all died recently in a bloody awful state.

op as you know with hindsight, this was an ambulance job. Not a neighbour job.

We're not angry with them. DH babysat them as kids and has told them previously. As for they're Dad you are so right.

@plra i’m really sorry you’ve had such a hard time

In terms of them living without any help, that might be their choice. If I had to bet I would imagine it probably is. It was an absolute battle for me to get my mum to agree to having an emergency button and then even bigger battle to get her to agree to having carers.

my mum is tiny and underweight, but I still wouldn’t even try and lift her even if there was someone else helping

@Barney221 Adding in the fact that you were trying to transfer someone to a wheelchair, I cannot believe no one has spoken to them before about this or that people have agreed to do it.

I can’t believe you’ve picked him up before and for so long. Insanity. Call the ambulance every time! They clearly can’t be safe to live together alone

Not sure why people are saying the OP and husband has no right be ‘livid’ with the neighbours offspring. The OP doesn’t say that - first issue - husband is ‘livid’. Understandable as his wife has got hurt. Second issue - husband going to call the offspring of the elderly couple. Fair enough - maybe they do not know what is going on?

Separate but linked issues.

Op you need to stop helping out. Kind of you but enough now.

I think we're all so used to picking him up we've never even thought about him becoming further injured. Our NDN who do the picking up with us are on board too. Thank you

Forgive me if I’ve misunderstood, but he was in a mobility van transferring himself into a wheelchair when he fell? Does he drive?

MIL was insistent she was fine living alone (had capacity) but was frail. She fell several times and insisted it was ok because Joan next door could help her up. Joan was 85.

Her children were well aware she needed to move to a home but it took time to get her to agree. Joan refusing to help was part of the discussion. And obviously MILs children told Joan she mustn’t do anything like that. It’s sad but it took a painful fall and an ambulance before she agreed to go into a home.

You should never have been doing this at all.
It can be highly dangerous for all concerned.
I'm sorry you were injured and hope you can recover ASAP.
The correct procedure is to call an ambulance for anyone who is disabled.
Suppose the person who had fallen was injured by neighbours pulling at him.
There could potentially be all sorts of legal liabilities.
And added stress for you.
This is not like posting a letter or fetching some shopping.
This is beyond being neighbourly.
All the best.

You really do risk causing him further injury, none of you are medical professional aks and can risk assess if it's safe to move him or not. And you risk causing yourself a serious injury.

We've agreed that tonight. The local a and e told us that. DH will pass this on to their children tomorrow.

Why doesn’t he tell them directly?! Why the children?

Agree with the poster who suggested contacting Adult Social Care.

this set up is unsustainable and dangerous.

Hi OP. I am the carer for my DH with dementia. I have a number of aids to help left him but on occasion he can fall and given his size relative to mine I cannot lift him. For carers this is a relatively common occurrence. There is a service which will come and support. This service is called Swift Response and I believe runs in a number of areas. If they are called they genuinely will be out very quickly and they can help lift a heavy individual into a chair or bed. If you are not capable of doing so you will injure yourself trying to lift someone much bigger than yourself as sadly you have found out. I would check if the service runs in your area and give your elderly neighbour the details. I would also give her details of the Carers Matter charity who will be able to help her in a number of other areas.

Ruptured ligaments in your knee is a big deal and could cause long term pain/need for intervention.

I would definitely agree with your husband that you should stop doing any of this now, it’s a risk to you and to them.

They need to organise suitable carers/assistance or consider if they need higher levels of support eg placement.

I think it’s very reasonable to let the family know and between them they can decide what they do next not involving you or your neighbours.