AIBU to stop helping after injuring myself lifting elderly neighbour?

[Barney221]

We are a rural road of 5 houses. One house is lived in by an elderly couple one of which has dementia and the other is paralyzed. Over the last few years the gentleman who is paralyzed has fallen frequently and the rest of us have been called and gone and picked him up. We are all 60 plus except for one lad in his 20s.

This afternoon all the male members of the 3 closest homes were out. He fell from his wheelchair in his mobility van and as the only 2 people available my female neighbour and I were summoned by his wife. She and I couldn't get him up so rang another elderly male neighbour. He came and he worked from the front whilst I pulled him from the back. We got him into the wheelchair but it then slipped back into me propelling me backwards down the ramp and off it onto the tarmac drive. Hes fine but I've had to go to a and e and I've got ruptured ligaments in one knee and bruising rand cuts to both and I'm struggling to walk. I'm unlikely to be able to drive for a few days and I'm self employed.

My husband is livid and is saying that he will call the couples kids tomorrow and tell them we are no longer available to pick him up. This will include DHs brother who Is one of 5 houses. Is that unreasonable?

YANBU at all and speaking as an adult kid of a disabled older person please don’t help. My parents are burying their heads in the sand and saying ‘the girls/the neighbourhood will help’ and it’s only when the ‘help’ withdraws will they confront reality.

I’m so sorry you got hurt. It’s very kind of you to help and I get that you want to be a good person but you have to let them fail so that they face reality.

Not unreasonable at all. I do think if he needs that level of help on what sounds almost a daily basis I don’t think he can be cared for at home anymore if his wife (which is totally fair that she can’t) can’t manage him as she’s disabled. Potentially you telling them you can’t help will make them realise this isn’t sustainable for anyone.

hope you recover ok, OP. Make sure you look after yourself 💐

Does he have an alert button for a falls team that can help? Nobody should be injuring themselves if they don't have the correct equipment to help get people off the floor

I’m all for helping out but this isn’t your issue. Your neighbours need to sign up to a warden type service where they have an alarm button/ pendant that actual carers can go out who have lifting equipment and training, and won’t be in their 60’s.
They can call an ambulance if necessary. You don’t injure yourself helping someone else who won’t help themselves, I’m not surprised your husband is annoyed.
The elderly couples kids can sort them out some proper support.

To echo PP, I have told my parents time and time again I cannot come over to pick dad up when he falls. I have a job and small kids and dad needs to confront reality. He can’t live independently any more. Please don’t blame the kids. We’re not lazy. We’re just in limbo land with insane commitments and parents who think they’re 20y younger and won’t accept that things need to change. You’ve been so lovely to help but they need to be allowed to fail so they can adapt to life now.

Not unreasonable at all.

If they keep calling you, call their children each and every time. They need to provide support for their parents, they cannot rely on neighbours, as its very unfair to you .

We did this with a lady next door. My partner was on night shifts and was woken up several times a day from next door neighbour who needed help with things. Started off as simple requests like opening a jar of pickles , but her health deteriotated quickly and her first port of call was our house several times a day and we put a stop to it when she expected us to administer medication and do care . We did have the ladies daughter on the doorstep in tears , claiming we'd broken her heart and let her down as she thought we were "true members of the community where everyone helps each other" ?! So frustrating. We had helped far more than most would have, and didnt even get a thank you.

YANBU at all, but I think you should talk to the couple rather than their children first, then call the children to let them know. Otherwise you are just creating a weird neighbourly dynamic. Your husband us understandably livid, but once he calms down you can tell your neighbours that the arrangement isnt safe for you or for the elderly couple and they need to make an alternative plan with confidence that you are doing tue roght thing. All of you are at risk of injury without proper training and the strength to lift him safely.

You don't need to get involved with what their solution should be, but they probably need a falls alarm, and a proper plan that will continue to keep them safe into the future.

We used to help our NDN who were older than us. Finally the DH went into hospital, DW was not able to cope a lot. DW ran a bath and got stuck and had locked the doors. We were called by their helpline and eventually we contacted the Fire Service to help break in to rescue her in the bath!

We contacted DW's DD in Scotland and told her Mum needed more support. DD's partner came down and shouted at us that it was our 'job' to look after DD's parents and not their's because they lived in Scotland and we were next door!

If mum fell, I couldn’t lift her, she has an emergency button that will summon me but I would still have to get help.

I don’t understand why you’re going to help this neighbour. I mean fine if you think you can actually manage it but it sounds like it’s an unrealistic thing to ask of you. How did this even happen?

I know of another elderly neighbour who was lifted by the fire service after a fall so that’s another option.

I've had this. Being a neighbour who helps out and then becoming the carer. This neighbour had 160K sitting in the bank but wouldn't touch it. She wanted to keep her nest egg while I ran about after her. You need to call 999 for help each time OP. And absolutely refuse to be roped in.

Please stop helping - can you imagine the potential complaints from the neighbour or his children if the neighbour rather than you had been injured in the latest incident?

You need specialist lift training and equipment to help heavy people up as they are a dead weight once on the ground - paramedics and Ambulance crews carry blow up cushions and use these to lift people without injuring themselves. We used to call the paramedics out for one of my relatives as no one in the family could lift them and we would not be so unreasonable to keep asking the neighbours for help.

Paramedics always were happy to help as they said it was part of the service and they never insisted on a hospital trip unless there was a head injury.

I hope you are better soon.

YABU. What has this got to do with their adult children OP??? They clearly aren't stupid enough to risk their own body to lift their parents! I absolutely help my neighbours and have been called upon for someone falling out of bed, but there is no way I'd attempt to lift an adult, even with someone else helping.

You and the neighbours have been putting yourselves at risk multiple times and enabling this behaviour of calling on your as a substitute carer/ambulance! Some areas have a falls team who will come with specialist equipment and have specialist training to help people back onto a chair/bed etc. In some areas you need to pay a subscription fee for the service. If that isn't available then they call an ambulance.

Have they had adult social care involvement? IF social services were aware Over the last few years the gentleman who is paralyzed has fallen frequently they might have provided OT, physio or other home support. Something isn't right if he keeps falling out of his chair- either its too small/too big, not enough support, he needs a seatbelt or chest strap etc all things an OT could advise on.

I'm sorry you were hurt, but count yourself lucky that it was only ruptured ligaments and nothing worse. I'm not surprised your DH is livid. Maybe this is your wake up call to actually put a stop to it and make a change.

YANBU what a ridiculous set up. They can't just keep calling every bugger on the street to help them out. They need to sort something out for care and the sooner you all stop helping, they'll realise they have no choice.

It's not the kids fault though is it. It's actually something you can say no to.

Call the ambo, they’re used to it.

Not only are you putting yourself at risk, you may also be putting your neighbour at risk. There's way of lifting people who are elderly.

It's incredibly kind of you to help for so long and yes, it's time to stop now. They need to get professional help going forward. Hope you heal fast OP, sounds horribly sore.

Crikey blimey..! How did all that end ?

Carers are not allowed to lift fallen clients as there is too much risk of injury. They call an ambulance every time.

Ruptured knee ligaments can be a major injury and you may need a lot of physio and some need an op. If it’s as bad as it sounds you won’t be able to help any more anyway. I do sympathise as you were clearly trying your best but would have been much safer to decline which you must do in future

As PP have said the ambulance service will pick them up and make sure they’re ok and not take the person to hospital if they’re ok. Some areas have a falls team whose job it is to go round picking people up. Some areas use the fire service.
Definitely stop picking them up. You can still help by waiting with them for the correct service to arrive.

Stop helping.

My father ended up in hospital needing surgery after their neighbour (who was, we later found out, was an entitled CF) needed help like this that he refused to pay for. In this case it sounds like they are doing the "its not that bad and the neighbours help out", head burying.

You need to stop for their sake as much as yours.