AIBU to stop helping after injuring myself lifting elderly neighbour?

[Barney221]

We are a rural road of 5 houses. One house is lived in by an elderly couple one of which has dementia and the other is paralyzed. Over the last few years the gentleman who is paralyzed has fallen frequently and the rest of us have been called and gone and picked him up. We are all 60 plus except for one lad in his 20s.

This afternoon all the male members of the 3 closest homes were out. He fell from his wheelchair in his mobility van and as the only 2 people available my female neighbour and I were summoned by his wife. She and I couldn't get him up so rang another elderly male neighbour. He came and he worked from the front whilst I pulled him from the back. We got him into the wheelchair but it then slipped back into me propelling me backwards down the ramp and off it onto the tarmac drive. Hes fine but I've had to go to a and e and I've got ruptured ligaments in one knee and bruising rand cuts to both and I'm struggling to walk. I'm unlikely to be able to drive for a few days and I'm self employed.

My husband is livid and is saying that he will call the couples kids tomorrow and tell them we are no longer available to pick him up. This will include DHs brother who Is one of 5 houses. Is that unreasonable?

Absolutely don't do it again - you could easily injure yourself, or indeed them, and badly.

My DM is disabled and I've had to make a rule for myself not to try to move her around any more (not even repositioning her, let alone lifting her). Because I've strained myself a couple of times and it's taken months to heal. It's just absolutely not worth trying to wing it, even for a parent. It needs several trained people and/or special equipment.

People are right in saying that calling an ambulance would be the best approach. Ambulances may take forever to turn up, though, ime. In some situations we've had a much quicker response from the fire brigade (but obviously it depends what the scenario is and whether he might be injured).

Obviously the neighbour should be making better decisions about their own care as well. Jumping in to pick up the pieces (and the neighbour!) is probably not helping them in the long term, although I appreciate that it's not an easy thing to avoid.

You are very kind, @Barney221, but now's the time to scale it back.

I was a first responder for older neighbours as all family lived abroad and the point at which the husband could not get up from falling - no wheelchair involvement - was the point at which sheltered accommodation was arranged.

To be fair my formal role was very closely defined and recorded by the local authority and state bodies so it was about going round, making the person comfortable and phoning an ambulance - definitely not lifting. I had access to the house key and knew the house well. This is Victoria, Australia.

I should say that this all came out friendship, the couple needed a safe pair of hands but absolutely understood, and insisted, that there were limits.

Retired NHS community clinician here DO NOT DO THIS and yes I am shouting. as people have said people who come out to pick up fallers bring specialist equipment and even tained community clinicians are not allowed to lifet people without the appropriate equipment and training. With great respect you did this to be kind but you have been very silly and now you see what comes of it. I really hope that you heal quickly with no lasting problems.

For other people reading this, DO NOT DO IT.

Totally agree
The " helping" is actually detrimental
No one physicallly lifts in healthcare, its been banned for years as its dangerous for you both
Also stepping in prevents the correct equipment and assessments being done
Just tell the neighbour you cant do it anymore

The older I've got, the more I've realised the truth on the saying "No good deed goes unpunished".

He could have fractured his hip and you moving him could have made things a lot worse.

Just to add
Please dont ever lift anyone who has fallen
A. Its unsafe for you
B. If they have a fracture, it could be displaced and sever a blood vessel causing a fatal haemorrhageand you could end up being charged

That’s shocking, how on earth is it your problem? I’d have made a safeguarding referral to social services elder persons team, They have a legal duty to investigate. No one minds giving an occasional helping hand but it’s not your job to step up to be carers.

I don’t understand why PP’s are saying don’t contact their adult children? Are they aware that their parents are struggling as much as they are? Having falls and relying on ALL the neighbours?
They may not know what’s happening and need to be told, so that they can come and talk to their parents and set things in place.

And if they do know, and are ignoring the situation, then they can be torn a new one and told that it’s not the neighbours responsibility to make sure that their parents are safe. And if they still don’t put anything in place, you neighbours know to call social services and make them aware for assessments.

But you’re very lucky that you weren’t more seriously injured.

@Tunnocksmallow probably because we’ve got experience of the person in question needing to be the person who is talked to directly

The gentleman they are lifting has capacity so he needs to be told directly that he has to put other arrangements in place.

I will also bet money that he doesn’t listen to his kids!

Another vote for it’s got to this terrible stage as you’ve always been wonderful and helped. Him and his kids need to sort something. Some authorities have falls teams so instead of sending the ambulance they send a team just to lift if no injuries. But sounds like they need a new care plan.

I hope you heal quickly

This is really sad all round. Professionals need to step in as they cant cope any more.

You are not being unreasonable.

When my FIL started having falls we tried to get him up but couldn't, and ended up calling 111. I was very apologetic when the paramedics arrived to help, but they said we had done completely the right thing and it's better that the falls are logged by them, they can assess him and check there was no underlying cause and also they had equipment to use to help get him up.

Nobody, whether that is family, friend, neighbour, should be injuring themselves trying to get someone else up.

Next time this happens, make him comfortable, cover him up, phone 111 and his family.

You have all been kind enough for too long now.
You could have injured yourself worse and been off work weeks/ months.

If you feel bad just say the hospital have said to not lift again anything over 5kg (or whatever) otherwise your ligaments could go again as they are weak- there is also some truth in that.

I used to be one of those "professionals" Its very sad how often our offers of support are refused....if the person has capacity, we can't just "step in"

Please don't move a faller. They could have fractured something and you have no specialist training. Call ambulance, call the children, keep them warm and bail out
Complete an adult safeguarding referral via the council website so a social worker can be allocated. They can assess capacity.

To be fair to the children, they may not realise how things have deteriorated, partly because of "showboating"; when they come over to visit, their DF may well be able to keep up a convincing facade for the length of said visit. My late DM, in her declining years, could be quite convincing in short bursts, and a good friend of mine suffered the same difficulty. Then came a series pf mishaps which could not be glossed over.....
I particularly remember, when she was finally admitted to hospital, watching a team of no less than five people easing her into her hospital bed

It's fine to refuse to pick him up. Be prepared for him to lie outside for 24 hours until an ambulance finally gets to him though. I am not saying this to guilt trip you, but you need to be hardened to the reality of what will happen instead.

We're at the point where a conversation will need to take place with one neighbour who is now infirm. He's a big heavy guy who falls regularly took four neighbours all pensioners to get him up recently. He was bleeding heavily from a head wound so had to go to the hospital anyway.

Something has got to change. His children aren't local either.

The support is not that real though.

I’m sorry your kindness has ended up in you being hurt but I’m glad to know you and your neighbours won’t be doing this again. It’s too risky for everyone involved.

100
People think we can over rule
Just because they are older

But what are the alternatives? Go 8nto a shit care home where you are treated like a child? Or sit in your sofa never moving all day?

An ambulance should be called if anyone falls. They have ways/equipment to lift people. The person who has fallen should have a check up after the fall.

That is true. But you can wait many many many hours for an ambulance if you fall.

The neighbour has capacity
If he chooses to make a bad decision that's on him...
Until one day he will probably give himself such a bad injury he will end up in hospital and Social work will block him from coming home
And it will be a care home
And the house will be sold to pay for care
Not ideal but that's how it works