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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

405 replies

gimmeshelta · 05/09/2026 15:18

DH is currently screaming at me because I went back on my word that I wouldn’t lock the bathroom door.

I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and have a diagnosis of ptsd. I need to find safe spaces when I’m triggered by something. It used to be in my car but I’ve sold it because we’re struggling financially. I broke down to my DH on Wednesday evening and said I was really struggling. DH hasn’t been the most supportive and has said my mental health issues are due to me not being proactive enough - despite the fact I hold down a household, a full time job and exercise to help myself.

Anyway, he’s always had an issue with me locking the bathroom door. He said married couples don’t need privacy when showering or on the toilet and has been suspicious of what I’m doing in there. I mentioned that I find it a safe space to cry and regulate myself (usually after a shower).

After a lengthy conversation he made me promise not to lock the bathroom door. There are no safety concerns about me locking the door - I don’t and have never self harmed, I’m not suicidal etc. I just like privacy. He told me he’d be angry if I locked the door again. So I just agreed not to.

Today I got a shower and forgot about the not locking the door rule. He was out but came back when I was getting out.

He screamed at me, said I’m not a “man of my word” and that I lied to him. I told him it was an automatic action and I’d just forgot. I asked why it was so important it was unlocked - was he worried about me etc? He said no, I asked you to do something, you agreed and then didn’t do it. I said I didn’t want to shower with an open door and he said this was weird

I’ve asked why it’s so important to him but he keeps screaming “you’re not even sorry”

Aibu?

OP posts:
plsbekinddelicate · 05/09/2026 16:20

Women’s Aid OP. He’s an abusive CUNextTuesday. DH locks the bathroom door when he’s on the loo or in the shower. I don’t - working in healthcare you see it all, it never occurs to me. DS usually leaves the door wide open. Not one of us pulls the other one up in our choices.

MyArtfulGreySloth · 05/09/2026 16:20

He’s an abusive piece of shit! His behaviour is not normal at all op.

LateLifeReturnee · 05/09/2026 16:21

HoppityBun · 05/09/2026 15:23

He sound deranged

Absolutely.

I cannot under any circumstances think my husband would ever shout at me because I locked the bathroom door. It is insane.

And he knows you are particularly vulnerable at the moment.

Bogstandardname · 05/09/2026 16:21

I would go and stay with family if you can. Tell them exactly what he is like. You can then decide how you want your future to be. I am hoping there are no children involved. He is a bully and an abuser. I suspect when you leave him he will show his true colours to all and it won't be pretty. Stand your ground, bullies hate it when you stand up to them.

Mandy54321 · 05/09/2026 16:22

I think your mental health issues will improve massively when you get away from this horrible man.

2chocolateoranges · 05/09/2026 16:22

gimmeshelta · 05/09/2026 15:48

I’m a woman for those asking.

His issue is that I agreed not to lock the bathroom door and then did. He said I should have told him then and there that I would not be locking the door. Because now I’ve betrayed his trust.

I just tried to ask him why he wants the door unlocked - are you concerned what I’m doing? Want to support me? Feel like I’m making myself feel worse? His response “because I asked you to”

You have the right to privacy
you have the right to do what’s best to makes you feel safe
you have the right to change your mind at any time.

he is being abusive.

tell him to fuck off if he isn’t happy with you making your own choices.

LadyMacbethWasFierce · 05/09/2026 16:22

I rarely say this (pretty much never).

But you need to leave your husband. I don’t suppose your mental health will recover overnight. But your prospects of recovery are far, far better without this controlling, abusive man in your life.

JulietOscarBoring · 05/09/2026 16:23

How is he generally in the relationship because from this one example it sounds like he doesn’t want you to have boundaries and doesn’t care about how you feel. Screaming at someone is never ok.

OooPourUsACupLove · 05/09/2026 16:23

gimmeshelta · 05/09/2026 15:48

I’m a woman for those asking.

His issue is that I agreed not to lock the bathroom door and then did. He said I should have told him then and there that I would not be locking the door. Because now I’ve betrayed his trust.

I just tried to ask him why he wants the door unlocked - are you concerned what I’m doing? Want to support me? Feel like I’m making myself feel worse? His response “because I asked you to”

This is an abuser's game. It's not about the bathroom. If it wasn't that it would be something else.

He sets you up to fail, then uses your failure as "proof" of some flaw of character he will use against you in future arguments to devalue or dismiss whatever you are trying to get him to understand.

Know this. You will never find a way of explaining yourself so he understands because he already understands, he just doesn't give a shit. He'll always find reasons to deny and dismiss and devalue your needs. He will always twist anything you say or do to show you you are unreasonable and need to defer to what he wants instead.

You aren't. It's not you. It's him. He's broken. He wants you to feel bad. It makes him feel good.

Anyahyacinth · 05/09/2026 16:23

gimmeshelta · 05/09/2026 15:29

I categorically have never and will never self harm. Hes not concerned about this. In fact, he’d told me he’d leave me if I did this

He is absolutely ghastly OP. The very definition of insecurity in a person.

You are being abused by someone deeply inadequate

Neveranynamesleft · 05/09/2026 16:24

You are an adult, if you want to lock the door then lock the door. He is controlling, do yourself the biggest favour of your life and get away from him.

Summeriscumin · 05/09/2026 16:24

Please leave this horrible man.

TheOnlyWayIsIlford · 05/09/2026 16:24

OP I am really sorry you have PTSD and whatever led to that.

It is perfectly normal for married couples to lock the bathroom door
It is controlling and jealous t(and deranged) o be suspicious about what you might be doing in there

It is controlling to force you to make promises over something like that

It is abusive to blame you for not recovering form PTSD

It is abusive to shout at you like that

It is normal to lock the door when alone in the house. I lock the bathroom door when I shower and am alone in the house because in the (highly unlikely) event of an intruder I do not want them to easily get to me when I am naked. Women tend to feel vulnerable when naked or clothing removed for the toilet etc

Do you have any professional support for your PTSD? I think it would really help for you to have some RL support. You are living with an angry, unreasonable bullying and abusive man and I don't see how that can do anything but make your PTSD worse, and it is no way to live.

I understand that it is difficult coming to terms with how bad this is, and doubly so because you come to realise that the person who you thought would love you and look after you is the person who is a danger to you, in emotional and psychological terms.

Seek out Women's Aid or other local women's support charities and organisations - some councils run service. Abuse comes in many forms, not dost DV.

The women's aid website is informative. It may be hard to get through on the phone.

Dancingonlies · 05/09/2026 16:26

He is abusive in other ways? This is extremely abnormal. I don’t bother always locking the door if it’s just my DH around but I cannot imagine a world where he would object to me locking the door. I’m wondering how else he might be controlling and whether that’s impacting your mental health.

Waytoohothot · 05/09/2026 16:27

Im sure every answer will be the same but here goes, yes hes very controlling and yes you need to leave but you already know this? No man ever ever ever has the right to tell you what to do and this is extreme control and gaslighting,.he tells you not to lock the door and lets you know with the threat of violence and control that if you lock the door he will use anger and violence towards you, why does he want the bathroom door open

...you belong to him your body belongs to him, it is not yours, it is not your body

...he thinks you are masturbating but you are not allowed to as your body belongs to him

...he 100% knows you are taking naked photos of yourself and sending them to other men( because abusive men always believe you are the one being unfaithful)

..and its my house i will dam well go where i want , if i want to come in and use the loo whilst you are in the bath i will my home my rules, you dont matter, know your place etc etc

You do need to leave but keep locking the door in the bathroom and take your phone and record him kicking off and go to the police

HenriettaHippopotamus · 05/09/2026 16:29

Please make plans and stick to them to leave. I rarely say that as often it’s hard to fully understand a relationship but this is pure control.

BillieWiper · 05/09/2026 16:29

What on earth does he think you're doing in there?!

Even a psych patient on section is often allowed to lock the bathroom door even if they are a risk of harming themselves. Because dignity matters.

The bathroom is private and by default the door should be locked. If someone chooses not to then that's ok but they run the risk of being walked in on. Which most people wouldn't enjoy.

You need to leave this person he's not right if he thinks that's normal.

RandomMess · 05/09/2026 16:30

Your DH controlling and nasty behaviour is likely massively impacting your mental health.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/09/2026 16:35

BillieWiper · 05/09/2026 16:29

What on earth does he think you're doing in there?!

Even a psych patient on section is often allowed to lock the bathroom door even if they are a risk of harming themselves. Because dignity matters.

The bathroom is private and by default the door should be locked. If someone chooses not to then that's ok but they run the risk of being walked in on. Which most people wouldn't enjoy.

You need to leave this person he's not right if he thinks that's normal.

He's already made her sell her car because that was a safe space (and one she could use to escape him). Now he's enraged because she could lock him out and call the Police from the bathroom.

That's what he thinks she's doing in there - being able to protect herself from him.

He might try to twist into the 'being proactive' by giving her no place to hide will force her to 'get over' her trauma, but the fundamental is that he is angry that she was protecting herself albeit subconsciously.

sweetpickle2 · 05/09/2026 16:36

I once seriously injured myself in the bathroom- slipped in the shower and landed in such a way that I knocked myself out and broke my collarbone. My DH heard me thud to the ground but because the door was locked he couldn’t get in, and because I was unconscious I couldn’t let him in. When I came to he was very stressed and from that moment on we agreed we would always have the bathroom door unlocked.

However even with that backstory if I forgot and locked the door (or even changed my mind and decided I wanted some more privacy!) he would never in a million years shout at or abuse me about it.

Your husband is a nasty piece of work, and I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg of his behaviour. Get out NOW.

Flamingojune · 05/09/2026 16:36

I have always locked the door. We all do. Love a bit of privacy

Flamingojune · 05/09/2026 16:37

I have always locked the door. We all do. Love a bit of privacy

seahorsessky · 05/09/2026 16:37

Do you have more than one bathroom? If he needs in, I can get he's upset (not that it excuses screaming).
Or does he know people who have self-harmed? Again, it doesn't make screaming ok, but sometimes stress/worry manifests as anger.

Waytoohothot · 05/09/2026 16:38

gimmeshelta · 05/09/2026 15:48

I’m a woman for those asking.

His issue is that I agreed not to lock the bathroom door and then did. He said I should have told him then and there that I would not be locking the door. Because now I’ve betrayed his trust.

I just tried to ask him why he wants the door unlocked - are you concerned what I’m doing? Want to support me? Feel like I’m making myself feel worse? His response “because I asked you to”

You are not listening you need to leave, he has no right to tell you anything , if he says to you that you agree to have sex with him everyday and then you dont and then screams in your face that you broke yout promise thats not ok, this isnt 50 shades of grey no one tells someone else what to do or gets them to agree to a contract ie you agreed to keep the bathroom door open, cant you see how mad that sounds

HollyhocksandPeons · 05/09/2026 16:38

Unless your dh is definitely definitely definitely is not worried about you killing yourself, he is a weirdo. It could actually be either real love and worry - or abusive control. I remember how I was worried about a loved one - constantly checking on them - if they were in the shower for longer than usual, I would barge in - the loved one was very ill. I was not worried about them doing anything to themselves, I would immediately think - they are there, dying on the floor and here I am in the living room....