AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

[gimmeshelta]

DH is currently screaming at me because I went back on my word that I wouldn’t lock the bathroom door.

I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and have a diagnosis of ptsd. I need to find safe spaces when I’m triggered by something. It used to be in my car but I’ve sold it because we’re struggling financially. I broke down to my DH on Wednesday evening and said I was really struggling. DH hasn’t been the most supportive and has said my mental health issues are due to me not being proactive enough - despite the fact I hold down a household, a full time job and exercise to help myself.

Anyway, he’s always had an issue with me locking the bathroom door. He said married couples don’t need privacy when showering or on the toilet and has been suspicious of what I’m doing in there. I mentioned that I find it a safe space to cry and regulate myself (usually after a shower).

After a lengthy conversation he made me promise not to lock the bathroom door. There are no safety concerns about me locking the door - I don’t and have never self harmed, I’m not suicidal etc. I just like privacy. He told me he’d be angry if I locked the door again. So I just agreed not to.

Today I got a shower and forgot about the not locking the door rule. He was out but came back when I was getting out.

He screamed at me, said I’m not a “man of my word” and that I lied to him. I told him it was an automatic action and I’d just forgot. I asked why it was so important it was unlocked - was he worried about me etc? He said no, I asked you to do something, you agreed and then didn’t do it. I said I didn’t want to shower with an open door and he said this was weird

I’ve asked why it’s so important to him but he keeps screaming “you’re not even sorry”

Aibu?

I am pretty sure your mental health would improve dramatically if you separated from this horrible controlling man.

What on earth is he afraid you might be doing? My first thought went to self harm or substance abuse but you say that's not a problem. This is really bizarre to me. Living with a person with MH problems is a really difficult but this sounds highly irrational and abusive, as pp say.

I think you need to tell us a bit more about the relationship. How are things in general, is he OK about other stuff? Is he controlling in other ways or is it just about locked doors. (My thoughts are could HE have a PTSD issue relating to toilets, a family member attempting suicide etc) What event sparked your PTSD?

Lock your door. You are an adult, you are able to make up your own mind and you do not need to placate your husband here.

The fact he's screaming at you for locking the door tells me you need that door lock. He is not healthy for you. Is there a possibility that he's the cause of your anxiety? Because I think he is.

He is being abusive about the bathroom door issues.

Also I dont think anyone has mentioned the other bit about him blaming your mh issues on not being proactive enough.

I really think you would feel better without him in your life. I bet there are many other occasions when he has behaved similarly

Op, how do you not know that you are in an abusive relationship and that he is a controlling bully? None of your responses have particularly addressed this.

I wonder what your understanding of relationships is?

do you have anyone in real life you can talk to about this? Women’s aid will help you if not.

What he's doing is yanking your leash just to see how much power he has over you.

Then he's turning his irrationality and unrasonableness into an accusation against you - you've betrayed his trust, he says.

The problem here isn't you.

This man sounds really dangerous.

Men who think that just because you're their romantic partner that they should have access to you at all times are the fucking worst. Men who think you should obey them are also the fucking worst.

I sincerely hope that you see that your life would be so much better without this man in it.

This.

I am sorry that you are struggling atm.

Two things.

We are all entitled to our privacy (i certainly wouldn't want to see my other half on the toilet) But if amyone used the word 'rule' to me in a relationship I would be gone.

Is this what you want for your life ?

Don't think you can legally do that, it's the marital home, he has a legal right to live there.
I would be looking at divorce.

From what you've written, the whole toilet door issue sounds like it is just the tip of the iceberg. Based on his controlling (& frankly, weird) behaviour around not locking the door, I suspect that there are a great many aspects of your relationship that others would deem inappropriate, controlling & abusive, but you have become so conditioned to them that you see them as perfectly normal.
I wouldn't be at all suprised if getting rid of him improved your mental health immeasurably.
I'm sorry you're being subjected to this but you are in an abusive relationship and you need to find a way to free yourself from his coercive and controlling behaviour.
Hopefully Women's Aid would be able to help you.

He is insane. You can change your mind on a daily basis and do not need his permission to lock or not and this is 100% not a betrayal of his trust. He is a prick and has massive trust issues in the first place with his weird requirement that you keep the door open and trust him. Do yourself a favour and get rid of him or leave him.

Leave. This is controlling behaviour.

No wonder you are stressed. Everyone is entitled to lock the door when in the bathroom. Does he want to come in? Is he not able to wait like a normal person @gimmeshelta sounds like he is overly controlling. I wonder what, in his past, got him fixated on not locking the door. Does he lock it when he is in there?

This is so cruel.

Please seek support from Women's Aid.

This is abuse.

That is a harrowing post OP. You need to seek professional advice mentally and a DA helpline. You ARE being abused. Please seek help and/or leave asap.

You don't need to explain yourself to him. You say I'll look the door if I want. End of debate.

How does he even know It’s locked?
Did he need to use the toilet or is he checking up on you?
This isn’t normal @gimmeshelta , your dh is abusive and controlling.

Your husband is an abusive bastard and I would bet good money that your mental health would improve dramatically if he fucked off out of your life for good.

I wondered this also. We wouldn’t know in our house if the door was locked. It’s obvious when one of us is in there and we’d not be trying it out.

No wonder you have PTSD and poor mental health - you husband is controlling and toxic. Forbidding you from lock the bathroom door is not okay, except for in exceptional circumstances. In fact, forbidding you to do most things is an issue. The fact that he is now screaming at you because of it - sounds like an abusive relationship. Betrayal of trust? He sounds unhinged.

His response “because I asked you to”

He means "told" doesn't he?

He's a control freak.

This is not okay. Is he abusive in other ways?