AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

[gimmeshelta]

DH is currently screaming at me because I went back on my word that I wouldn’t lock the bathroom door.

I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and have a diagnosis of ptsd. I need to find safe spaces when I’m triggered by something. It used to be in my car but I’ve sold it because we’re struggling financially. I broke down to my DH on Wednesday evening and said I was really struggling. DH hasn’t been the most supportive and has said my mental health issues are due to me not being proactive enough - despite the fact I hold down a household, a full time job and exercise to help myself.

Anyway, he’s always had an issue with me locking the bathroom door. He said married couples don’t need privacy when showering or on the toilet and has been suspicious of what I’m doing in there. I mentioned that I find it a safe space to cry and regulate myself (usually after a shower).

After a lengthy conversation he made me promise not to lock the bathroom door. There are no safety concerns about me locking the door - I don’t and have never self harmed, I’m not suicidal etc. I just like privacy. He told me he’d be angry if I locked the door again. So I just agreed not to.

Today I got a shower and forgot about the not locking the door rule. He was out but came back when I was getting out.

He screamed at me, said I’m not a “man of my word” and that I lied to him. I told him it was an automatic action and I’d just forgot. I asked why it was so important it was unlocked - was he worried about me etc? He said no, I asked you to do something, you agreed and then didn’t do it. I said I didn’t want to shower with an open door and he said this was weird

I’ve asked why it’s so important to him but he keeps screaming “you’re not even sorry”

Aibu?

There really are some absolutely horrible husbands/partners out there. This man knows you struggle and he’s weaponised it against you. That’s a special kind of abusive bastard.

I’m a woman for those asking.

His issue is that I agreed not to lock the bathroom door and then did. He said I should have told him then and there that I would not be locking the door. Because now I’ve betrayed his trust.

I just tried to ask him why he wants the door unlocked - are you concerned what I’m doing? Want to support me? Feel like I’m making myself feel worse? His response “because I asked you to”

Everyone needs and deserves privacy whenever they want it. He is an abusive nasty bully. And like everyone else has said I would put good money on your mental health improving vastly if you left him.

He sounds bloody awful! Please consider whether your marriage is worth persevering with, because if not, don't stay a minute longer. Your mental health will improve without his toxic negativity in your life. And for his information, the majority of married couples DO lock the bathroom door. Most people don't want to be walked in on when using the toilet FFS.

Sweetie, this is an abusive relationship

He’s unsupportive, selfish, has no empathy, and has blatant anger issues

Your MH will improve SIGNIFICANTLY if you get rid of him

Your husbands behaviour is not normal you are entitled to lock the bathroom door, i have lived with my Dh for 34 years and not once have we denied each other privacy, i would suggest part of your MH problem is your husband.

Agree with PP this is extremely concerning behaviour and indicative of control / abuse. Unless there is a backstory that you have only one toilet and he has IBS and genuinely needs frequent access with no warning. It doesn't sound like this is the case given he is suspicious of what you're doing in there, it sounds more like possessive/ control that he can't stand that you might have some time alone that he can't control. He can't give you an answer why he needs this as there isn't a reasonable one.

Leave him. He is controlling and abusive. He is projecting that he hides things onto you. You will be much happier without him.

So it's just to know he controls you then. He's angry he doesn't control you.

Abuse

Right, I strongly suspect that most of your mental health problems might arise from the fact that you’re living with an abuser.

You’re a grown adult. If you want the door locked you lock it FFS. Loads of couples do lock doors when they want to. I don’t want my partner walking in when I am doing a poo, changing a tampon or washing my arse. “Man of my word”, bollocks, you only agreed to it because he bullied you and he is very aware of that.

I think he’s doing this to make you feel unsafe/ vulnerable on purpose.

Just tell him that you’ve changed your mind and in fact you will now be locking the door. If he wants you he can knock or wait, In an emergency he can put a shoulder to it or call the fire brigade.

Then work out how to get away from him and his nasty controlling mind games.

WTF, he’s weird and abusive. Is he really saying he wants to walk in whilst you are having a 💩

I don’t like the man, what does he bring to your life? Because it’s not support or privacy.

That is not a normal way to live. You have every right to be able to shower and use the toilet with privacy. You have every right to a safe place and to lock the door.
This is abusive behaviour from your partner. I suspect your mental health will improve significantly if you leave this relationship

Just why I was going to say. It's no one else's business if you lock the bathroom when you are in there

No no no no no!! I am echoing the PP's before me. OP, this is grave situation.

He is abusive, controlling and will exacerbate your PTSD to a point that could be terrifying. He isn't on your team, not even remotely.

I've known some twats in my life, but never before have I heard of anyone demanding bathroom doors can't be locked. LEAVE

He telling you very clearly that he doesn't give a shit about you. I'm sorry but you need to get rid of him. You won't get better while he's abusing you.

No wonder you have PTSD and anxiety.

I know it’s hard to accept, but you are being abused.

Your DH is abusing you. That incudes his gaslighting you to believe that your entirely normal desire for boundaries ( including locking the bathroom door ).

It’s worth you contacting WA or similar to start to look at what’s going on.

Your mental health issues will only start to improve when you leave this awful man.

You cannot recover from PTSD while you are living with an abuser.

Please, please get help. Go to Women's Aid, Refuge, Rights of Women, the police, your GP, your therapist or psychologist if you have one for your PTSD treatment, anyone who you can speak to TODAY. Tell someone.

I really hope he is not screaming. Not really screaming.
Do you have a disability which means he would be worried if anything happened to you and the door was locked ? Is that his anxiety ? I see you have PTSD. Is he worried you will hurt yourself. Even if you have not done so.
If not tell him he is being entirely unreasonable. And to stop screaming.

Are there children involved in this abusive marriage? I hope not.

ive only read your posts op. But i am assuming every post, once it was clarified that you are not at risk of self harm, thinks the same. Your husband is an absolute controlling cock of a bastard. Who taf does he think he is?!

Please leave - hes abusive. You deserve so much more.

“Because I asked you” sounds too much like ”because I’m the boss and you do as I say”

Does he think he’s in the 1800s or something? That’s no way to behave with a wife or anyone!

Everybody has a right to lock the bathroom door. I imagine a lot of husbands / wives do. Certain from the numbers above. We do in our home.

You’ve apologised for forgetting. So don’t apologise again. There’s nothing to apologise for (except he should be apologising for being controlling and shouting but that’s not going to happen!). Say I made a mistake when I said I wouldn’t lock the door. I’m entitled to my privacy and I will be locking the door in future. Many couples do and there’s nothing weird or unusual about it.

I bet he’s controlling in other ways. Does he shout a lot too? He’s trying to bully you and control you. This is not a healthy relationship!