AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

[gimmeshelta]

DH is currently screaming at me because I went back on my word that I wouldn’t lock the bathroom door.

I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and have a diagnosis of ptsd. I need to find safe spaces when I’m triggered by something. It used to be in my car but I’ve sold it because we’re struggling financially. I broke down to my DH on Wednesday evening and said I was really struggling. DH hasn’t been the most supportive and has said my mental health issues are due to me not being proactive enough - despite the fact I hold down a household, a full time job and exercise to help myself.

Anyway, he’s always had an issue with me locking the bathroom door. He said married couples don’t need privacy when showering or on the toilet and has been suspicious of what I’m doing in there. I mentioned that I find it a safe space to cry and regulate myself (usually after a shower).

After a lengthy conversation he made me promise not to lock the bathroom door. There are no safety concerns about me locking the door - I don’t and have never self harmed, I’m not suicidal etc. I just like privacy. He told me he’d be angry if I locked the door again. So I just agreed not to.

Today I got a shower and forgot about the not locking the door rule. He was out but came back when I was getting out.

He screamed at me, said I’m not a “man of my word” and that I lied to him. I told him it was an automatic action and I’d just forgot. I asked why it was so important it was unlocked - was he worried about me etc? He said no, I asked you to do something, you agreed and then didn’t do it. I said I didn’t want to shower with an open door and he said this was weird

I’ve asked why it’s so important to him but he keeps screaming “you’re not even sorry”

Aibu?

He's quite blatantly abusive and controlling. Just tell him that it's entirely your decision whether or not to lock the door. If he says you agreed not to lock the door, say that you've thought it over and you don't consider it a reasonable request ("Because I asked you to" is a ridiculous reason for him to give). If he says again that you're not even sorry, you could say that of course you're not sorry because you did nothing wrong.

But the larger issue isn't locking the bathroom door. It's his abusive behaviour. Get the hell out of this relationship ASAP.

Think of the relief you'll feel, and how peaceful your life will be, once you're free of this horrible man. 💐

Where else is he trying to control you? There will be more.

Have you written about this before ? If not it’s horrifying that another man is dictating whether or not you can lock the bathroom door .

This is abuse

He sounds controlling and has a quick temper. He is adding to your stress. You both need some mediation therapy.

I am so sorry OP that you are married to this dreadful man.
You seriously need to make steps to leave. No wonder you are so fragile. As a pp mentioned up thread, please call Women’s Aid.

my usual question(s) here. What does he bring to enrich your life or support your mental health and why do you stay?

It’s very obvious that your husband is extremely controlling and abusive. His behaviour is horrific and not normal. He is abusing you and you sound very vulnerable.

I'm always shocked people live like this, if it's true. Of course it's not normal and you should leave him.

My heart breaks for any woman living like this. It's awful. Please, please leave him OP.

You cannot stay with someone who is abusing you like this. Set yourself free. There's a happier, safer, calmer life out there for you: go and get it.

Agree that getting out of this relationship will lead to many of your mental health issues resolving

Wtf have I just read

times when a husband, partner etc can ask you not to lock the door are

1. you are suicidal and they are terrified for you
2. severely ill - for example a massive high temperature and been collapsing

otherwise absolutely fuck off

I have been married nearly 50 years and always lock the bathroom , my husband doesn’t always bother

OP I've read your updates and dare I suggest that your mental health may improve dramatically if you leave this controlling wanker.

I initially thought he was worried about self harm or suicide but if that's not the case and he just wants to invade your privacy, he can fuck off to the far side.

Tell him that a condition of marriage isn’t the right to see the other person on the toilet or doing general grooming in the bathroom. Why are you not entitled to privacy? What exactly does he feel entitled to see you doing? If he doesn’t trust you and thinks you’re on the phone to someone in there then he’d better just spit it out. Absolutely ridiculous control freak.

Jesus you shouldn't need a reason to want privacy gor normal bathroom use, what an abusive, controlling, small man to treat you this way, why why are you tolerating him screaming at you??? Especially grievous given you have ptsd.

I think he is part of your mental health struggles. I’ve been with DH for more than 25 years and we have never had this discussion. We lock the bathroom door, everyone needs the option of privacy. It would even occur to us to question it.

Yeah this is really bad, sorry op.

i was married for 22 years and we both locked bathroom doors.

This man is abusing you. You need to make a plan to leave. Save yourself OP. 💐

Why are his needs so enshrined and yours so unimportant.

Please please please get away from this man asap!! He’s controlling, gaslighting , abusive etc etc etc I genuinely would be worried for your safety with a man like this

See I don't really know why you're asking if you're being unreasonable.

You know for a fact you're not, so I'm going to guess you'd rather ask this question than ask the important one, which is 'how can I leave him?'

That's what you should be using your mental energy on.

Also he doesnt want you to have privacy as he wants to make sure you are not talking to friends and family about him and how abusive he is and 100% hes checking your phone, you need to leave now and go and stay with friends or family you are not safe

Tell him you ARE locking the door and he will have to get on with it. Any more verbal abuse and you will be reporting him to police. Who does he think he is?