AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

[gimmeshelta]

DH is currently screaming at me because I went back on my word that I wouldn’t lock the bathroom door.

I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and have a diagnosis of ptsd. I need to find safe spaces when I’m triggered by something. It used to be in my car but I’ve sold it because we’re struggling financially. I broke down to my DH on Wednesday evening and said I was really struggling. DH hasn’t been the most supportive and has said my mental health issues are due to me not being proactive enough - despite the fact I hold down a household, a full time job and exercise to help myself.

Anyway, he’s always had an issue with me locking the bathroom door. He said married couples don’t need privacy when showering or on the toilet and has been suspicious of what I’m doing in there. I mentioned that I find it a safe space to cry and regulate myself (usually after a shower).

After a lengthy conversation he made me promise not to lock the bathroom door. There are no safety concerns about me locking the door - I don’t and have never self harmed, I’m not suicidal etc. I just like privacy. He told me he’d be angry if I locked the door again. So I just agreed not to.

Today I got a shower and forgot about the not locking the door rule. He was out but came back when I was getting out.

He screamed at me, said I’m not a “man of my word” and that I lied to him. I told him it was an automatic action and I’d just forgot. I asked why it was so important it was unlocked - was he worried about me etc? He said no, I asked you to do something, you agreed and then didn’t do it. I said I didn’t want to shower with an open door and he said this was weird

I’ve asked why it’s so important to him but he keeps screaming “you’re not even sorry”

Aibu?

He may not have been physically violent to you yet but it is only a matter of time. The man is unregulated, aggressive and abusive. You need to make plans to leave, but be very, very careful. If he gets this angry at you locking the bathroom door, any hint that you might leave could be very dangerous for you.

Have you spoken to the psychologist about the issues with your husband?

It is awful. And he acts like this even knowing you have PTSD.

He’s scum.

Can you make plans to leave?

Why does he get to tell you what to do? Fuck that, if I didn't leave a man like that, I'd end up a widow.

OP, I'm sorry. Really sorry.

This thread will be a hard read for you. Some of the repeated comments to LTB may feel overwhelming, or even like haranguing at this point. But having RTFT I think these comments come from a genuinely good place and a desire to help you see that what you're experiencing really is abuse.

When people are in those situations for some time, the abuse starts to feel 'normal'. The clear eyes of dispassionate bystanders might be able to see what you, whilst mired in the current relationship, might not. But it's a hard thing to look at your own life and recognise yourself as a victim. That 'scales falling from the eyes' moment is one of the most painful there is. To then go from this to 'LTB' immediately is an enormous undertaking, and one, I think, that some people underestimate.

You've already done the brave thing by posting here. Try to start by talking to people: Women's Aid are already recommended but they can be difficult to contact, so persevere, and know that people are on your side with this. There are always some who will be frustrated at those who don't respond by taking the advice to 'LTB' immediately. Some of us know it isn't that simple. But MN is wonderful at helping women to recognise their own abuse, and to begin to work to extract themselves from it.

Process this in your own time. You don't owe MN an explanation - and this is true even though people have taken time out of their day to help you. They have volunteered that time - and people shouldn't volunteer what they expect to get back. You don't owe us anything in return.

In the meantime, please do take care. And if writing down the whole picture helps you to see it more clearly, please do it, and ignore the dictatorial comments telling you not to. That is what this site is for - to help people.

You've been dealt some awful cards here: please take care of yourself. 💐