AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

[gimmeshelta]

DH is currently screaming at me because I went back on my word that I wouldn’t lock the bathroom door.

I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and have a diagnosis of ptsd. I need to find safe spaces when I’m triggered by something. It used to be in my car but I’ve sold it because we’re struggling financially. I broke down to my DH on Wednesday evening and said I was really struggling. DH hasn’t been the most supportive and has said my mental health issues are due to me not being proactive enough - despite the fact I hold down a household, a full time job and exercise to help myself.

Anyway, he’s always had an issue with me locking the bathroom door. He said married couples don’t need privacy when showering or on the toilet and has been suspicious of what I’m doing in there. I mentioned that I find it a safe space to cry and regulate myself (usually after a shower).

After a lengthy conversation he made me promise not to lock the bathroom door. There are no safety concerns about me locking the door - I don’t and have never self harmed, I’m not suicidal etc. I just like privacy. He told me he’d be angry if I locked the door again. So I just agreed not to.

Today I got a shower and forgot about the not locking the door rule. He was out but came back when I was getting out.

He screamed at me, said I’m not a “man of my word” and that I lied to him. I told him it was an automatic action and I’d just forgot. I asked why it was so important it was unlocked - was he worried about me etc? He said no, I asked you to do something, you agreed and then didn’t do it. I said I didn’t want to shower with an open door and he said this was weird

I’ve asked why it’s so important to him but he keeps screaming “you’re not even sorry”

Aibu?

I know it's easier said than done to leave, especially when you are experiencing difficulties with mental health which make confidence even lower (been there) but I really hope you will feel able to reach out to women's aid or similar to find a way out safely from this abuser.

Locking the bathroom door is totally reasonable.
Him not allowing you is controlling and abusive, and all the other things you listed. Stopping you from taking medication is disgusting.

It may seem untrue right now because you are in the thick of it but I do believe that whilst it would be hard initially, long term you would see an improvement in mental health if you can safely leave.

Oh lovey. This is irredeemable.

This just goes from bad to worse it's not your fault though this is how abusers keep u by not being 100% cunts all the time !
It's easy for anyone to fall in a trap.of and abusive relationship or marriage and it's not easy to navigate but now I can see it written down u need to find a way to safely leave him so u can have a happy life u won't get any better with him x

I agree with this 100%.

Please get in touch with women's aid, they are very helpful. They have a helpline and in person contact aswell.
All the things you have listed, the abuse, anger, and the things you are not allowed to do. You won't have to put up with once you have left him.
He won't change.
Wishing you all the best.

I suspect the only reason it hasn’t yet escalated to physical violence towards you is because you have been programmed to diffuse the situation as best you can. But everything you have written here is still absolutely dreadful OP.

No abuser is abusive 100% of the time, that’s not how they operate. They’d never get women to stay with them if they were. They’ll be apologetic and loving in between ‘episodes’, just enough to keep you hanging on thinking there’s enough of a relationship there left to salvage. There isn’t. He’s a ticking time bomb, you know this, and it’s no way to live your life. I know it’s hard to see the wood for the trees when you are in the thick of it, but one day when you are far away from this man you will look back and wonder what on earth you were thinking staying as long as you did. I hope you can find the strength.

I have never said this on here before but your husband is a cunt.

Privacy is something you are entitled to.

Like other posters, I imagine your mental health is being made worse by being around this piece of shit

aww Op, this man sounds awful.

And re. the door locking he had no right or reason to tell you not to lock it in the first place.

OP this man will not help you with your PTSD, he will do the opposite.
He is abusive and controlling and you need to be able to see this.

'when it’s all written down it’s honestly awful. It doesn’t feel bad 100% of the time'

Which is part of the classic abuse cycle OP. Just enough to keep you there.

I think you need to time to process the facts that we are telling you. He IS, without a doubt, highly abusive and controlling and the chances of improvement are slim to none. Sorry if that sounds harsh but there is no point pretending you can reason with people like him.

I don't think you've said that you have DC? If you haven't, please PLEASE use this MASSIVE ADVANTAGE that you have now to leave.

This gets more and more awful. Please get away before he physically attacks you. He sees you as a possession, a commodity he can use, not a person. Of course he manages to rein it in occasionally - that’s how they operate, these people. You deserve so much better than this monster. Sending you so much strength. Please reach out to Women’s Aid and make a concrete, secret plan to leave and never look back. If you have kids - they deserve to live in a safe home, as do you.

This is Domestic Abuse. You need to leave.

I think the OP might be a man - I’m not sure. I’m just saying this because s/he said his / her husband said ‘you’re not a man of your word’. If you’re a bloke (or a woman) op I hope you can find help for people with abusive partners. I hope you get some support. This man is not kind or supportive at all. All the best

OP, written down shines a focussed light on the fact that it IS awful.

The fact that he EVER does these things is what creates the control. It is coercive control.

I am glad you have the support of a psychologist. It is really important that you disclose what is happening in your home environment. They cannot meaningfully help you if they are not aware of this.

I uunderstand that it is hard to voice these things - just remember, it will be a long way from the first time a psychologist has heard this, and you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.

Ignore posters who get annoyed. Keep posting here for as long as it continues to be helpful to you.

I think you know deep down that he is abusing you. He is incredibly controlling and saying you must do something purely because he has told you to has to be the epitome of controlling. And although, thankfully, he doesn’t hurt you physically throwing a pan through a window is really violent.

If you still see your psychiatrist, please talk to them about this and get help to remove this man from your life before he does you any more damage

No, she clarified she was a woman.

OP, have a read through this womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

You won’t be able to heal from PTSD when he keeps triggering it. Do your psychiatrist and psychologist know that you live in an abusive relationship?

Yet.

He's not been violent to you yet.

He will be. This will escalate. He will tighten the leash more until you can't see your friends at all. Throwing a pan will become throwing a pan at you. Expecting sex will become rape - if it hasn't already. This is the pattern.

Please tell your psychologist. Please tell the police - this is illegal.

You deserve better.

Hi op this is so much more than the toilet issue he is running and ruining your life. I’m not surprised you are with friends over the weekend why would you want to be in his company. Do your friends know that he is abusing you. Does he ever threaten you if you consider leaving. Honestly you need help now like others said he’s triggering you he’s making your ptsd worse I hope you don’t have kids with him. How old are you? Do you still have your family around.

This is going to escalate, OP. You need to be safe.
Please get out of there as soon as you can. And don't go back.

Any one of those examples is enough of a reason to leave him. Denying you are ill - yes leave, throwing and breaking things, yes absolutely leave, controlling you seeing your friends - yes, saying you can't lock the bathroom door - yes. Or just because - You don't need to give him or anyone a reason you can leave just because you want to. Or just because he is an abusive vile person. You are in an abusive relationship and would be better off without him in your life.

Just read your update OP. Well done for starting this thread, I really hope it helps you.

Would you like to tell us any other anecdotes of things that have happened, or general patterns? Tell us about what a good day is like and what a bad day is like

When I was in your situation 10 years ago, someone on Mumsnet spelled it out in caps for me. And here I’m doing the same for you, so it goes in:

YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

“Abuse” doesn’t mean hitting you; it means cycles of behaviour that control and harm, and that also includes periods of “good” times.

There is no logic to his behaviour, there never will be. You can’t reason with it or ever say anything adequate to “defend” yourself or appease him.

You have to get out, and this community will help you.

I wrote a book about red flags and abuse cycles, you can pm me if you want.

OP you have PTSD and you are married to a man that tells you that you are not proactive in dealing with it, while he screams at you, refuses to let you shut the bathroom door and has form for throwing things at windows and breaking them.

You say he doesn’t assault you, he does not have to, he has you cowed enough to think you could be. You are curtailing yourself so you don’t upset and anger him, while he gaslights you over not dealing with PTSD to his satisfaction.

This won’t get better, he doesn’t want you better, he wants you to accept he is the boss and he decides every aspect of your life.

He believes he has the right to control you, that does not get better, it just continues.

My dad was like that, everything was fine until you said “no” to him. Then the real version came out and it was horrendous. However oddly enough he could control himself in public, I bet your husband is the same. It’s a choice.

Get your finances in order, organise an appt with a lawyer, contact women’s aid, tell him nothing, don’t act differently in front of him and get out.

Your PTSD will be far easier to deal with in a calm, safe home. Please don’t accept this any longer.

I’m so sorry OP, this is awful for you.
There have been quite a few posters over the years who have had abusive partners who have done exactly the same things yours is doing to you. Like, not being allowed to lock the bathroom door and forcing sleep deprivation.
It’s like these vile abusers have a handbook they follow,
I will also say that many of these women have successfully managed to escape the relationship.
I hope you can get help to get out.
Womens aid would be a good start.