AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

[gimmeshelta]

DH is currently screaming at me because I went back on my word that I wouldn’t lock the bathroom door.

I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and have a diagnosis of ptsd. I need to find safe spaces when I’m triggered by something. It used to be in my car but I’ve sold it because we’re struggling financially. I broke down to my DH on Wednesday evening and said I was really struggling. DH hasn’t been the most supportive and has said my mental health issues are due to me not being proactive enough - despite the fact I hold down a household, a full time job and exercise to help myself.

Anyway, he’s always had an issue with me locking the bathroom door. He said married couples don’t need privacy when showering or on the toilet and has been suspicious of what I’m doing in there. I mentioned that I find it a safe space to cry and regulate myself (usually after a shower).

After a lengthy conversation he made me promise not to lock the bathroom door. There are no safety concerns about me locking the door - I don’t and have never self harmed, I’m not suicidal etc. I just like privacy. He told me he’d be angry if I locked the door again. So I just agreed not to.

Today I got a shower and forgot about the not locking the door rule. He was out but came back when I was getting out.

He screamed at me, said I’m not a “man of my word” and that I lied to him. I told him it was an automatic action and I’d just forgot. I asked why it was so important it was unlocked - was he worried about me etc? He said no, I asked you to do something, you agreed and then didn’t do it. I said I didn’t want to shower with an open door and he said this was weird

I’ve asked why it’s so important to him but he keeps screaming “you’re not even sorry”

Aibu?

Have you ever considered that this controlling arse hole might be the reason why you're feeling so mentally fragile?

Everyone needs privacy.

This is a relationship you need to escape from - there is nothing I can think of that would make this ok. If you have been diagnosed with ptsd I assume you are having therapy - explain everything to them and get them to help you understand your relationship and the damage it may be doing.

I’ve been with my husband for 50 years but shitting in front of him (or even peeing) is a rubicon I’m not prepared to cross. He needs to respect your boundaries even if no one else has them (they do).

Wow, well done, congrats. How is this even helpful on this thread. If it works for you then that’s great but everyone is entitled to privacy!!! Sending you strength OP

He’s an abusive cunt. Leave him

OP, is there someone you can go stay with?

You don't sound emotionally safe with your DH.

Of course you may lock the door. To me it would unthinkable to be told not to. That is incredible. Being married does not mean having no right to privacy.

Locking the door when you use the loo is pretty standard - at least for me and DH. I hope you are ok OP

OP surely you realise this is serious domestic abuse? Being denied privacy is control and coerce 101. Never mind that he gives no fucks about your mental health, is screaming at you and demanding sex.

He doesn't like you
He wants to control you
It will get worse

There is no point me typing the words 'you need to leave' out as 100 posters have already done that. Please call Women's Aid tomorrow. First thing. Tell them what you've told us and they will tell you exactly what to do.

Me reacting in my head what tf I would say to my DH if he forbid me from locking the bathroom door. As above…LTB…imagine instead of supporting your partner you make them feel like it’s their fault for having PTSD, whilst gaslighting you also ensure that you are also a cause of the PTSD for good measure. Please get support from other sources and end this asap.

I echo everything everyone else had said as well as a few gentle questions for you to reflect on:

Are there other things you DH expects to be a certain way and does he scream at you if they aren't?

Are there other examples where he doesn't tell something he expects until it's too late and then blames you for not being a mind reader?

If I used the phrase 'walking on eggshells' would that be how you feel sometimes, often or always with your DH?

Does he blame you for his behaviour?

Do you think everyone has the right to lock the door to the bathroom whenever they want to just because they want to?

Do you feel the need to have a 'safe space' from your DH?

Would you consider getting in touch with a domestic abuse organisation to talk through your experiences to help you come to terms with what you've been expected to put up with from your DH?

I wish you all the best in processing what you've been through and I hope you get the support you need.

To add, this married couple has been together 20+ years. We don't have a lock on our bathroom door because our house is falling apart and there's a hole where it used to be BUT neither of us has ever denied the other privacy for going to the toilet and even if we're desperate for the loo and the other person is in the shower we hold on until they're out because everyone deserves privacy showering and going to the toilet. We have also never blamed the other person for not having sex with us and have never gone in a huff because we've been turned down. That's coercive control.

He’s an abusive man op and you are being abused. The best thing you can do for your mental health and wellbeing (and your safety) is quietly make your plan to leave and to leave him. Do you work? Is the house jointly owned? Are you married? If the house is rented then you quietly move important things somewhere else, notify the police you’re leaving him and are scared, and disappear one day, send him a message explaining you’ve left due to his abuse, with a few written examples- you won’t let me lock the bathroom door even though we have three bathrooms and scream at me if I lock it, you expect sex when you want it and are angry when it doesn’t happen, for example you insist on sex before every football match. You told me you will leave me if I self harm. You are not someone I want in my
life at all and I will be filing for divorce (if married)
and notify the landlord you’ve fled your abusive partner, police are informed and you won’t be back.

OP you are in an abusive relationship.

I was in a relationship over 20 years ago with a man who insisted on no locked bathroom doors, he claimed only couples that had this level of freedom with each other could be truly close and in love blah blah.

That man was in fact a controlling, abusive arsehole who eventually put me in hospital when I started to push back.

The fact that you meekly accepted his demand in the first place suggests that he’s ground you well down already, but you need to get away from this man.

OP, I keep thinking about you this evening. I really hope you're okay. It must be shocking to read all of these comments and try to absorb the enormity of your situation.

Do you have somewhere you can go? You're not safe where you are. You are being controlled, mistreated and intimidated by a cruel, vicious, abusive man. I think your comments so far have been among the most upsetting I've read for a while on MN.

Like most replies It is absolutely normal to lock the bathroom door.

I definitely wouldn't want anyone to walk in, whether I'm using the toilet or having a shower.

Just adding to the many voices that are saying your husband is abusive and controlling. He totally is. And downright weird. So he walks in on you when you’re on the loo or in the shower and thinks that that’s his right? And shouts at you if he can’t get in? Honestly OP, you need to get away from this twat. I’m sure your mental health would then improve.

Agree 100% with this.

My husband was like this. Hated me locking the bathroom door and maintained that married couples never did such a thing. Went so far as to unlock it with a screwdriver at least once when I was taking a shower (despite there being other loos in the house). I also knew, the minute I read your original post, that sex would somehow come into it. It was the same in my case. It's lurking under the anger. Suffice to say we are no longer living together.

I haven’t read all the replies but I am sure you’ve been told over and over that this is controlling behaviour and is absolutely abuse. If you want to lock the door you should absolutely be able to do it. Does he try to control other parts of your life too?

Do you have friends and family you can talk to? I would slowly make a back up plan to leave safely, slowly start stashing cash away, if this isn’t possibly buy gift cards when you go shopping, ask a friend or family member to look after them for you. Get your ducks in a row as this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

Actually quite worried about you.
He seems very controlling and if he is this way generally you need to seek support from family and friends.

Another LTB virgin but here we are. LTB

There is absolutely nothing wrong with locking a bathroom door. There is nothing wrong with not having sex before his football match. Your DH is a nasty, insecure, controlling bastard and I agree with everyone who says you need out of this relationship,

I had a relative with this rule.
Everytime i went to the toilet at her house she told me i didn't need to lock the door, yet everytime i went to the bathroom she tried to come in?
So i obviously did need to lock it. Weirdo.

Your're not "a man" of anything or hasn't he noticed.
He is controlling and bullying which is not helping you feel better.
Me? I woul cut my losses and leave,you don't need that.