AIBU not to send birthday or Christmas presents or cards to anyone after the death of my daughter.

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died in October last year. Totally unexpectedly, aged 24. I am completely undone by the loss of her.

Historically I was always someone who remembered birthdays (friends and family) and sent a card to adults and a card and a gift to children. There are a lot of them. It gave me pleasure and was never a chore.

I used to send Christmas cards also; often drawn by my daughter who was an illustrator.

I know many people do not bother with cards these days, but I did. And most of my family and friends still do as well.

Since my daughter died I just find it all too much. She still lived at home with us so would sign her name on the cards (many of them would have been drawn by her). I obviously cannot put her name on the cards. But I cannot stand to leave it off either. And the mental effort of thinking about these events (especially Christmas) is just overwhelming.

No one expected me to do anything last Christmas. They were genuinely fearful for my life. But people have been very kind in the ensuing year and I just wonder if there might come a point where some may feel slighted or lose patience with me if I don’t make an effort and start sending cards and presents again. I’ve not sent anything for anyone’s birthdays thus far this year (save my own 2 other children).

The situation is slightly complicated by the fact I would like to continue to send to my daughter’s god daughter (who is only 5 and meant a great deal to my daughter), but she has siblings and cousins and I don’t want to cause offence.

How would you feel about a friend or family member in similar circumstances?

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm not sure what the answer is to your query, but your feelings are completely understandable.
Would it help to try to explain to a few key people that you won't be doing cards and gifts this year and why?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think most people would understand that there's no time limit on grief for a child. Nobody should have any expectations of you in this context.

For your DD's goddaughter, do continue to send something on a birthday on behalf of your DD. Take or leave a family Christmas card.

I’m so sorry that you lost your DD. I can’t imagine what you are going through.

Anyone who loves you will not care about whether or not you send cards. Their priority will be your wellbeing.

This is so unbearably hard to imagine and I am so sorry for your loss.

This is the perfect use of one of my favourite mottos: the people who matter won’t mind. And the people who mind don’t matter.

I see people that have lost a child in a completely different category of their own. They is very little I wouldn’t forgive or understand from somebody in that position.

I am so sorry that you lost your lovely talented daughter.

Thank you everyone for your kindness.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I certainly wouldn't have any 'social' expectations of anyone who had suffered such a tragic bereavement.

I can’t even begin to imagine your pain at losing your daughter, OP, and if you were my friend or relative I wouldn’t give this a second thought. I would understand that you are likely still very deep in grief and not in a place to be gift giving and concerned with celebrating anything at all.

My deepest condolences on your loss. As previous posters have said the important people will only care about what works for you.

You do whatever you need to do. I am so sorry op. Cannot even imagine.

I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s still very new. Nobody with any heart would judge you for not sending anything. If you really want to, I think you could give something for your daughter’s goddaughter to her parents and explain you’re only doing something for her this year as everything else is a bit much. I’m sure the parents could just put it in with her other gifts and it wouldn’t be any big thing.

Am so sorry 😞I cannot imagine how you feel OP and pretty certain that absolutely no one who you would normally send cards to would feel anything apart from compassion 🩷🌸🩷Xxxx

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it's completely understandable that you associate the sending cards with your daughter, and your choice to stop (for now, or for good) is fine.

Similarly to send something special to your DdS goddaughter is a lovely thought which will keep your DDs memory alive for her. Presumably other children have their own godparents who send gifts etc. and it's okay to just send to her.

Don't overthink it. Just do what feels right for now. The people who love you understand and value your wellbeing and presence in their lives far more than material things.

Yes, I think anyone in your position should do only what they feel they can bear to and their priority is just survival. I think the only exception, which you've made, is for your other children because they still deserve to have joy in their lives despite the terrible thing that has happened and you are still their mother too.
I'm so sorry for your awful loss.

Could you sit down one morning and go on a site like Moonpig and put in everyone's birthday and buy all cards in on go and they will send them out in time for their birthdays? Then you wouldn't actually have to focus upon this more than one morning each year.

Just a thought, but a friend in similar circumstances adds their child's initial in a little heart to the kisses at the end of a card. Might that feel right to you?

Sending love.

I’m so sorry about your daughter. Our daughter died in 2020 after a fairly short and brutal illness. Similar age. I completely understand.
Christmas will never be the same. She loved it.
You’ve probably already found out who your real friends are.
Just do what you need to do to get through each day and any special occasions. It doesn’t matter what people may or may not think. Life is hard enough.
The anniversary will be tough I’m sure you know.
Sending virtual support and understanding.

I think you have to do what feels right to you. Everyone will understand. I am very sorry for your loss. What a truly terrible thing to have happened to you and to your daughter.

My friend died a couple of years ago. Her mum, who is always very kind and generous with me and my children, hasn’t sent anything for birthdays and Christmas since her death. It’s fine. She and you are going through something horrific. I’m so sorry.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I completely understand why a ritual that involved your DD so closely is now painful to you. YANBU to stop.

However, I think you probably need those strong social bonds more than ever now (even though they may feel burdensome). So finding another, completely different ritual might be the way to go. It might be too soon to find pleasure in doing it, but could still be good to put the effort in (because it's often when we least feel like it that we most need a connection). I would probably be up front about why you are no longer sending cards and say what you're going to do instead. Maybe host a gathering? Send a midsummer greeting? Or something. If this idea appeals, you can probably get suggestions off MNers and pick something you like the sound of.

I couldn't read and not say how truly sorry I am to read this. I can't imagine your pain so please be kind to yourself. Nobody should expect anything from you. I would send what makes you feel better not because you think its expected. Please be kind to yourself. Hugs @LadyMacbethWasFierce 💕

I am so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself. Nobody would judge you or expect anything from you.

You could explain when giving a gift to your late daughter’s godchild parents the reason you wish to continue gifting her. There is no need to explain but if it gives you peace of mind have a chat with them.

Best wishes.❤️

This will be my aunts 4th Christmas without her child.

She doesn't send cards she buys some gifts for her other child (early 20s) but that is it.

There is no reason you have to and there's no reason things may change at a later date.

Oh OP, this is unbearable and still so new and raw. Nobody will have any social expectations of you but if it would comfort you to acknowledge your lovely daughter's god-child's birthday, then you must do it. That's all though. Sending you love and strength - you are undone but you're still here ❤️

Sorry for your loss OP, I really understand how you feel. my son died nearly 6 years ago on Christmas Day.

I no longer celebrate Christmas, and the first year without him I didn't buy any gifts or cards.

I buy family gifts now but only if it can be bought online because I avoid shops as much as possible from September onwards.

As for birthday cards, its only the past 2 years that I've bought them. Do what feels right for you. Over time you might feel different but if you dont its ok.