AIBU not to send birthday or Christmas presents or cards to anyone after the death of my daughter.

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died in October last year. Totally unexpectedly, aged 24. I am completely undone by the loss of her.

Historically I was always someone who remembered birthdays (friends and family) and sent a card to adults and a card and a gift to children. There are a lot of them. It gave me pleasure and was never a chore.

I used to send Christmas cards also; often drawn by my daughter who was an illustrator.

I know many people do not bother with cards these days, but I did. And most of my family and friends still do as well.

Since my daughter died I just find it all too much. She still lived at home with us so would sign her name on the cards (many of them would have been drawn by her). I obviously cannot put her name on the cards. But I cannot stand to leave it off either. And the mental effort of thinking about these events (especially Christmas) is just overwhelming.

No one expected me to do anything last Christmas. They were genuinely fearful for my life. But people have been very kind in the ensuing year and I just wonder if there might come a point where some may feel slighted or lose patience with me if I don’t make an effort and start sending cards and presents again. I’ve not sent anything for anyone’s birthdays thus far this year (save my own 2 other children).

The situation is slightly complicated by the fact I would like to continue to send to my daughter’s god daughter (who is only 5 and meant a great deal to my daughter), but she has siblings and cousins and I don’t want to cause offence.

How would you feel about a friend or family member in similar circumstances?

I am so very sorry for your loss. I would completely understand. We had a family member who lost an adult child and they never celebrated Christmas at all after. Everyone fully understood and supported this decision. I don’t see why anyone would be offended or not understand. Please do what you need to do.

Sending you virtual support and strength x

I wouldn’t be offended to not receive a card at all. If it’s too much it’s too much. Do whatever is right for you.

I have a friend whose daughter died and I still write her name in cards. I think it brings the mum peace knowing she’s still remembered. I would also prefer you still included your daughter’s name if I was a recipient.

If you still have her signature could you get it made into a stamp?

Fine not to send stuff but you cant send daughter god daughter and not her siblings.

I’m very sorry for your loss. I honestly would not give this a second thought. Even if you hadn’t been through this horrible experience it would be reasonable to decide not to do this. Under the circumstances I would not make space for guilt around anything.

Focus on yourself.

Sorry for your loss. It hasn’t even been a full year yet, Ii don’t think anyone would feel slighted.

And you don’t need to send cards at all going forward if you don’t want to. What’s the worst that could happen, that they don’t send cards back?

And it’s right that you send to your daughter’s god daughter if you want to; you’re continuing what your daughter would have wanted.

I am so sorry reading your post. I would really hope that all your friends and family will understand how hard it is for you to write cards without your DD name. There is no time limit. Don’t put yourself in a position which is too painful. Cards while they are lovely are really a lot less important than you looking after yourself.

Thank you again for your kindness.

Especially @24Dogcuddler who has been where I am. 💗 to you. I am having psychotherapy. My therapist is great and understands when I tell him I don’t want to feel “better”. I merely want to be functional for the sake of my other 2 (younger) children.

I like the idea of a heart with my daughter’s initials inside. I also think if I am able to do something then Moonpig for all its faults might be the way to go. I might choose one of my daughter’s illustrations and upload that and just say inside “with love from all of us”.

It is reassuring to know most people would not think too badly of me.

My best friend lost her 14 yr old daughter over 10 years ago now. I still dont expect anything from her that she doesnt feel able to or remember to give. I hope your family and friends treat you similarly

My godmother has always sent me presents but never to my sisters. Similarly, their godmothers haven't sent me anything. I think it's completely fine and understandable for the OP to do this for her daughter's god-daughter.

Do all god parents send gifts to all the siblings rather than just their god child?

That seems an unfair expectation on god parents?

I'm sorry for your loss.

My godmother's husband died in the run up to. Christmas about 10 years ago. She was always the first to have her tree up, the first to have everyone over and the first to send her cards. Since her beloved DH died she hasn't sent any. It makes me really sad, because I know how much it meant to her before his death but completely understand why she can't bring herself to do it anymore.

You need to do what you are comfortable with. Everyone will understand.

Bless you @LadyMacbethWasFierce

There is no rule book for such a loss and to be honest anything that helps you or feels
right to you is right for you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter, she sounds like a talented and much loved young woman.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.

Regarding sending to the God-child, my children receive gifts from their God-parents but their siblings don’t. I think it’s fine not to include siblings!

I sadly have two family members who have suffered the loss of young children and they both got little stamps of something that obviously represented the child - the birth flower in one case - and they stamp those instead of writing the name. It’s a lovely way of acknowledging them.

The situation is slightly complicated by the fact I would like to continue to send to my daughter’s god daughter (who is only 5 and meant a great deal to my daughter), but she has siblings and cousins and I don’t want to cause offence.

Sometimes honesty is the best policy.

Tell the goddaughter's mother and explain how hard you are finding it, that you would like to continue with your daughter's god daughter because it's something special to her but you otherwise find it too difficult and hard to do similar for anyone else because you are still grieving your own daughter. You act is about doing what your daughter can't and is about fulfilling your daughter's important role and is part of your grieving process because they had a special relationship. You aren't leaving anyone else out - it's just you can't face doing any more.

So sorry for your heartbreaking loss, no one will expect anything, tell them in a message if you can't bear to explain, just give to your other 2 children and I think it's lovely that you want to send to your daughter's god daughter in her memory 🌼

But it isnt from god daughter.

But op isnt the god mother

There is no right or wrong in situation such as this. To be honest, you just have to look after you, that is what is important here as you have suffered one of the worst things ever to have happened to a mum and am truly sorry to read it.

Please don't fret things like cards and they are especially hard given your daughters talent and involvement in them. Anyone who knows you and cares for you will understand and support your choices.

Well then, even less expectation, surely?

Thank you again.

And thank you to @Goldenboysmum for commenting in the face of your own pain. This band of parents who have lost children is much larger than it should be.

The messages here have given me confidence that people won’t think badly of me. But also some ideas as to how I might re-frame things in a way with which I’m comfortable. So Thsnk you so much

I would not for a single second expect someone grieving for their child to send cards or presents. If they did manage it I’d be really grateful, but I would have no expectation of it for years and years, if ever. You are living a different life now.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your daughter sounds lovely.

I respectfully disagree. The goddaughter connection is unique to this particular child and not her siblings and mattered very much to OP's daughter.

That is irrelevant. OP is doing it on behalf of her daughter because the relationship was important to her daughter. Surely you can see that?

You should:

Stop everything she cannot bear.

Keep only the rituals that matter to your children.

Send something small to the goddaughter.

Let the rest go without guilt.

People who love you will understand.
People who don’t, their opinions don’t matter.

No one would be offended OP. Unrelated to your situation, a lot of people have cut back or stopped sending cards and gifts these days. For environmental reasons, wanting to reduce clutter, cost of living, and in the case of cards, it's just not as common of a thing anymore. So no one would mind and they may not even connect it to your situation.