AIBU not to send birthday or Christmas presents or cards to anyone after the death of my daughter.

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died in October last year. Totally unexpectedly, aged 24. I am completely undone by the loss of her.

Historically I was always someone who remembered birthdays (friends and family) and sent a card to adults and a card and a gift to children. There are a lot of them. It gave me pleasure and was never a chore.

I used to send Christmas cards also; often drawn by my daughter who was an illustrator.

I know many people do not bother with cards these days, but I did. And most of my family and friends still do as well.

Since my daughter died I just find it all too much. She still lived at home with us so would sign her name on the cards (many of them would have been drawn by her). I obviously cannot put her name on the cards. But I cannot stand to leave it off either. And the mental effort of thinking about these events (especially Christmas) is just overwhelming.

No one expected me to do anything last Christmas. They were genuinely fearful for my life. But people have been very kind in the ensuing year and I just wonder if there might come a point where some may feel slighted or lose patience with me if I don’t make an effort and start sending cards and presents again. I’ve not sent anything for anyone’s birthdays thus far this year (save my own 2 other children).

The situation is slightly complicated by the fact I would like to continue to send to my daughter’s god daughter (who is only 5 and meant a great deal to my daughter), but she has siblings and cousins and I don’t want to cause offence.

How would you feel about a friend or family member in similar circumstances?

Thank you for sharing her with us OP. I am so sorry for your loss but so grateful I have learnt a little about your kind, generous daughter.

When I experienced loss I found great comfort in walking, and ended up taking a lot of photos of beautiful landscapes. I too found the ceremonial dates so tricky, so I used TouchNote to send a photo postcard to all those I would usually send Christmas cards too. Simple greeting of ‘this is where I have been wandering recently, thinking of you.’ It was different enough to not feel entirely painful, but felt like I was honoring the tradition. You can add an extra small photo as the ‘stamp’ on the postcard, so I always added a happy photo of my loved one who had died. Kept them close and kept me sane.

No one expects you to continue as you were. Be gentle.

Of course you can. God parents have a special responsibility for that child. Keeping it going is lovely if you feel up to it. The other children will have their own god parents buying for them.

Dear OP, nobody would think badly of you for not sending cards. It's too much for you, so don't do it, there is no expectation from your friends and family. They simply love you. They don't need a card to secure their love for you. Be kind to yourself @LadyMacbethWasFierce and please don't worry about this.💓

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, l can’t imagine the pain you must have endured. I think it’s fine not to send cards and your reasons for not wanting to are entirely understandable. Don’t worry what people think, the important thing is that you do what you’re comfortable with.

What an enormous grief you must be feeling! I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
If you don’t feel like sending anything then just dont do it. It’s fine to not do anything.
I do think that eventually a time will come when you want to start sending cards out to people again. It’s been important to you in the past and I think it will become important to you in future. Just sit it out and wait until you want to take it up again.
Do you still have your daughter’s drawings? You might like to get cards printed with one of her drawings, so that when it’s hard to not add her name, you can still add her name by writing in the card that she drew the image.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your daughter 🤗

I agree with @FusionChefGeoff . Anyone that 'minds' doesn't 'matter'!!

it's tricky though, to send a gift to one child, but not the others, if they know each offer.

if you want to send cards to some people, could you do something like put your daughters name encircled by a cloud or a heart?

lots of love

I think you are exempt from any social requirements forever.
Getting through each day is your only job.
Sending all the love and support of the universe.

Hi, I wonder if you might find it helpful to talk to others' whose children have died. Compassionate friends is an organisation where you can gain advice/ support from others. There may be droup in your area. Compassionate friend supports only those whose children has died, differentiating from other types of losses, i.e, if you have lost a parent, for example.

https://www.tcf.org.uk/

There’s no right way to do this, you do what you need to to survive. Maybe one day you’ll feel ready but that’s not where you are right now and that’s okay.

I am very sorry for your loss. I think the idea of saying “lots of love from all of us” is perfect in these circumstances, but that said, I don’t think there needs to be any rush if you don’t feel ready yet. A year is nothing at all for a loss like this, so don’t be too hard on yourself 💐

I am so terribly sorry about your beautiful daughter.

I think if somebody I knew had lost their daughter I would have absolutely no expectations of them at all when it came to cards and presents and would certainly not expect anything to be done.

If would like to send something to your daughter's goddaughter but worry about her siblings you could add something very easy like a selection box or book token but please don't even do this if it is at all upsetting or stressful. Their parents can absolutely manage the children's feelings about not getting cards or presents if it's something they notice or comment on, it's not your job to worry about that.

I'm so sorry.

I think you should do whatever you want and anyone who judges or makes a comment is a proper dick.

Protect yourself and join back in with social niceties as and when you want to.

Thank you all.

I had not heard of touch notes @oakleydoke I shall look into that.

We have masses (hundreds) of our daughter’s drawings and paintings thankfully @Julynian. All
different medium and styles. I did, in fact, produce a really nice fine art quality card that I sent out to her friends and our family and some of our friends to mark her 25th birthday in May. That was a one off and it’s not something I’ll do in subsequent years. I’m a little bit hesitant to send out her illustrations for other people’s celebrations as I don’t want to make those times about her/me. I am aware that although for me the sense of loss of my daughter is bottomless and endless, for others the pain will fade much more rapidly. This is how it should be and I don’t resent it. But I don’t want to be inserting unsolicited memories of my daughter into their celebrations. I’m possibly overthinking this! It’s what I do!

With all the kindness in the world, it seems the pressure is coming from yourself. Don’t do that. People who appreciate you and your family will understand. The ones that get offended over a card anyway are not worth keeping around, nevermind in your circumstance. If you’re worried about the god daughter, speak to her parents, explain the predicament and see if you can do something discrete. Again, if they don’t understand where you come from, that’s on them.

If I were your family or friend I would be astounded to receive anything while your grief is so fresh, and would absolutely expect radio silence. For a long time to come.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Just getting through each day should be all you concentrate on op. I’m so sorry, unimaginable grief. No one will have any expectations of you. Just do what you need to do.

I have actually registered with Conpassionate Friends @Portsmouthnappies. They seem like lovely people. But I have to say the raw grief is a bit too overwhelming for me right now. I have felt myself going further under when visiting the website. Maybe in the future it might be a better fit.

People make massive allowances for someone going through a tough time, and there is literally nothing worse than what you have been dealt with. Please try not to waste mental energy on worrying about all this social etiquette stuff, anyone you are on card exchanging terms with cares for you and will just want the best for you right now. You won't be judged.

@Brightonkebab you are right, the pressure is coming from me. I don’t truly think people will reject me if I don’t send a card. But I was interested to hear the extent to which it might be noted. My focus has been on not upsetting people who have been kind to us as a family. We have been fortunate in that we have been shown much kindness since the loss of our daughter.

I have found this thread very helpful. Comforting. Thank you all. I’m headed for bed now. Uncommonly amongst the bereaved, I am blessed with being able to sleep!

I'm sorry for your loss
This is the time to put yourself first.
I've seen how devastating it can be when DW son died age 27.
Love and support,and left alone at times
I hope people give you the space required if need be.
Take care.

To answer your question, how old are the siblings of the Goddaughter? What were you thinking of sending? Is it from you or on behalf of your daughter? If it's on behalf of your DD, that's perfectly appropriate. From you, perhaps send a token present for the siblings. You'd have to be a twat to take issue with it.

I am very sorry for your loss.

I would take a very dim view of anyone who had an issue with you - if anyone pipes up, send 'em to me and I'll give them a Peggy Mitchell style slap!

People wont mind. And I think its so lovely that you will send her goddaughter a gift - what a lovely way to honour your daughter, and I am sure it will mean a lot to this little girl as she grows older, to know how much her god mum cherished her.

My best to you op ❤️

Firstly, I think it's amazing you have any headspace at all to think about anyone or anything else.

I think anyone who has a child will understand without question that you aren't doing cards or gifts for the foreseeable future because they'll understand the gravity of what's happened to you.

If you're really concerned that people won't understand without you saying anything, that's fine but you don't need this to be a problem you have to bear. You could delegate the issue to some friends or family and ask them to let people know you're not doing anything for now.

I do think you should speak to the mother of your daughter's god-daughter though and explain that you want to honour the relationship but don't have the wherewithal to include everyone and equally don't want anyone getting hurt. I'm sure you could come up with a way forward and I'm sure she'd be sympathetic as she's obviously suffering your daughter's loss as well, albeit differently.

I am so sorry for your loss X