AIBU not to send birthday or Christmas presents or cards to anyone after the death of my daughter.

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died in October last year. Totally unexpectedly, aged 24. I am completely undone by the loss of her.

Historically I was always someone who remembered birthdays (friends and family) and sent a card to adults and a card and a gift to children. There are a lot of them. It gave me pleasure and was never a chore.

I used to send Christmas cards also; often drawn by my daughter who was an illustrator.

I know many people do not bother with cards these days, but I did. And most of my family and friends still do as well.

Since my daughter died I just find it all too much. She still lived at home with us so would sign her name on the cards (many of them would have been drawn by her). I obviously cannot put her name on the cards. But I cannot stand to leave it off either. And the mental effort of thinking about these events (especially Christmas) is just overwhelming.

No one expected me to do anything last Christmas. They were genuinely fearful for my life. But people have been very kind in the ensuing year and I just wonder if there might come a point where some may feel slighted or lose patience with me if I don’t make an effort and start sending cards and presents again. I’ve not sent anything for anyone’s birthdays thus far this year (save my own 2 other children).

The situation is slightly complicated by the fact I would like to continue to send to my daughter’s god daughter (who is only 5 and meant a great deal to my daughter), but she has siblings and cousins and I don’t want to cause offence.

How would you feel about a friend or family member in similar circumstances?

I am so sorry for your loss. Of course you must do what feels right for you as and when it feels right. Anybody who cares for you would only want you to do what feels right. Thinking of you.

I just wonder if there might come a point where some may feel slighted or lose patience with me if I don’t make an effort and start sending cards and presents again

No one worth having in your life will care about this. I’m sorry for your loss.

Tell us about your daughter if you’d like, if it’s not too painful. What did she like? 💕🩷

I would never expect to receive a gift or card from someone who’d lost a child. Especially a Christmas gift/card. In fact, I don’t really expect to receive gifts or cards off anyone.

Go easy on yourself x

Some people will judge but they aren't worth worry about, I've been been told when I can't say attend a birthday party on the same day as my ds1 birthday and anniversary, died shortly after he was born, than life goes on....
I've had people get annoyed with me, literally a year later, people's patience can be short I think thisnis perhaps even more ether case if your child is only a baby when they died, they think you can get over it easier

Well you never ever get over it, it chnages you as a person, but I also want to say I'm 14 years down this shitty path now and for me it's got easier to cope with
Time is the main thing that helps plus love and support but you really are in such early days still

You've gotta prioritise what suits you as your the one that needs to do whatever you can to keep your head above the water

I lost my twin baby sons almost three years ago. You take all the time you need to grieve. I've been told to move onnbut until you have buried your own child, people need to keep their opinions to themselves. I'm so sorry for your loss. You need to do what you have to do to survive. Child loss is so painful. ❤️

I think, when you're ready to do so, that having cards printed with your DD's illustrations sounds like a lovely idea. Until the day you are ready, do whatever you need to do to get by <3

I see it differently to you, about using her art for cards. I’m thinking back to friends and family that I have lost over the years. You are right that everyone else’s pain will fade. But they will still think of her, still remember her and want to remember her. You wouldn’t be inserting your grief into their life because it’s not like you are sending a Christmas card saying “please think of (daughter) this Christmas, it would be more you wishing someone and their family a happy Christmas, with a note added saying “the card was designed by (daughter) in 2025 or whenever. I am 50 now but my first experience of grief was losing a friend age 15. I still send birthday and Christmas cards to my friend’s mum. There’s no pain at all for me in the situation but I definitely still think of her and am always happy to be reminded of her. So it’s an idea, but grief is such a personal experience and you should do what feels right for you.

I am so sorry for your loss.

i think it is fine to stay in touch with your daughter's God daughter and there is no reason why her siblings or especially cousins should feel they also need gifts or even cards.

Just explain to the adults the situation and ask them to explain to any children if necessary.

I really think you should look after yourself and do what is right for you and your family.

I have never given presents to our God children's siblings.

We give Christmas presents to our God children until they reach 18.

That has always been our choice. No birthday presents for our God children (we have five between us).

Please only do what is right for you.

Older children should understand and younger ones may not notice.

I’m so sorry for your loss of your lovely daughter. I can’t imagine how truly awful that would be, but what I can imagine is that sending cards and presents is not at all important in the whole scheme of things. And anyone with an ounce of empathy would feel the same. And anyone who doesn’t understand is not worth worrying about.

You are a lovely person @Julynian

So so sorry for your loss - I have a relative who after she lost her mother decided that rather then send christmas cards she would make a charity donation.

I’m so sorry you lost your beautiful daughter.
Grief lasts a life time, you do you, those who matter will understand and those who don’t won’t.
sending love

Stopping cards and gifts is fine and completely understandable. Be careful that you don’t end up feeling isolated. It is easy to hide away when you’ve been bereaved. 💐