I think people hate me and I think I know why

[Moodymaree]

i just realised today maybe people don’t like me (or I perceive they don’t like me) because I might come across really moody? Obviously mumsnet cannot diagnose me over a post I know! But what do the rest of you think below are some things I’ve noticed:

I get stressed quite quickly and I get anxious. I do have childhood trauma which makes me hyper vigilant. Today for example was first day of secondary and I saw a mum from DS’s primary school and asked the mum if I could take a pic of boys (they are really good friends and best friends so not random boy I found on the way to school!) I took a pic of them and DS gave the widest, cutest and cheesiest smile he’s ever done! and I commented why couldn’t you smile like that this morning?! He looked really sulky in the pictures I took at home. I asked his friend Fred if I could just get a pic of DS alone now. The mum yanked Fred and said let’s go here I want a picture here. I realised I might have sounded rude? I really didn’t mean to. I have extreme anxiety and wanted to get out of there quickly.

Then the class went for coffee and I know I should have waited for Fred’s mum but she seemed busy so I walked down with the other mums - I don’t know them btw I only know Fred’s mum as our boys were only ones to move to the school from primary.

I feel really guilty she must think I’m rude and I think part of me does want her to hate me as I rather superficial friendships rather than meaningful ones as I feel unable to have real friendships due hi my trauma.

I really don’t want sympathy for my childhood I only wrote it for context but do you all think I just come across moody? I e seen my reflection suddenly sometimes and I do look moody and miserable! How can I change it? As I’m getting older it seems worse, maybe Botox!!!!

It’s hard to say based on that one interaction and also impossible to know the tone in which you said it. If it was a polite request for a solo photo I’d not think anything of it. The other mums reaction makes it sound perhaps not to be the case? Have you considered seeking help to work through your childhood trauma? Particularly if you feel it’s affecting your relationships in adulthood.

Thank you. Tbh therapy has NEVER worked for me especially talking therapies. I don’t think I can be helped! I think I need to be able to work through my anxiety and talking therapy never worked. I just feel I don’t know how to relax my face so I don’t look moody. Any tips anyone?

I think this is something you’ll never know unless someone tells you and also that isn’t worth thinking about because you’ll drive yourself mad thinking back on interactions and also stopping yourself being yourself too! I think if you’re a nice person you’re a nice person and hopefully some people, the people you want to, will realise that. I Aldi think everyone gets a different you if you know what I mean, some people will only see you in a stressful situation so they won’t know the person who flops down and has a laugh!

There is a real sense of emotional dysregulation and anxiety from your post.

Definitely people do pick up on that energy and it is very often interpreted as a level of intensity which people unfortunately do shy away from.

That does not translate in anyway to you being a bad person but from experience that does happen and often the person who has that type of nervous system is confused as to why.

It sounds like you were quite rude to your son in front of other people - maybe the other mum was reacting to that?

I don't think Botox is going to alter things OP.
I think if you are aware that your facial expession is moody and miserable then actually making a conscious effort to put on a pleasant expression when dealing with people does often really change the dynamic. I quite often have to do this.

I echo @Hellodarknessmyoldpal in that seeking help for your childhood trauma would be a good idea.

Oh what a really insightful post @Justbrieme

Your face is just your face. You can't really retrain it to look different or produce different expressions when you react to things.

You're better off making peace with that.

I think you’re 💯 right about this. I don’t know how to regulate myself. Well of course I know the basics such as breathing and journaling but I forget it in that moment. It was so stressful getting to the school this morning,

Honestly, it's likely to be less your facial expression (I have total resting bitch face myself and have never lacked for friends) than that you clearly haven't sufficiently dealt with the lingering effects of your childhood trauma, and it's manifesting itself in your behaviour and in your overthinking of that behaviour.

I mean, we all deal with issues in our actual friends because we already know and value them, but very few people are going to want to spend time with someone they barely know/a slight acquaintance whose anxiety and hypervigilance make her behaviour difficult to be around.

I'm not unsympathetic to the trauma (I had CSA in childhood, and am absolutely still dealing with the impact in middle age), but it's yours to manage, ultimately. Given the choice of having coffee with a total stranger who seems nice enough, or someone you know slightly who always seems anxious and stressed, most people will choose the former.

It’s worth remembering other people are also protecting themselves. If you are inconsistent and can be a bit spiky, only the really well balanced people will be relaxed enough to take you in their stride!

Other people will respond according to their own histories- fawning, love bombing, avoiding…

This. You were not nice to your son. For me that would have me making judgments. Whatever the reason for your lack of social skills making comments at your son like you did is really quite horrible. He needs you to be supportive not moaning about his face on a picture.

This sounds more like you're insecure and have some social anxiety than that anyone 'hates' you. Do you have other, real friends - because really, who cares about some random interaction at the school gates?

Actually, I realise I'd misread that and thought it was the first day of primary, not secondary school. OP, mightn't he have just been nervous and not felt smiley and like being photographed? How would you feel about being plunged into an entirely new educational institution where you know only one other person and are among the very youngest?

I passed a new first year and his mother clearly headed to my 14 year old's school for his first day a few days ago -- he looked petrified, swimming in a much too big blazer, and as if he was trying to put on a brave face. I wanted to give him a hug and tell him it would be OK!

I think you’re massively overthinking ❤

Overthinking and believing people “hate” you is so common with anxiety.

Fred’s mum won’t have thought you were rude to your son. She saw you take a photo of your son alone so she just wanted one of Fred. That’s all. At the very worst she may have thought “Oh God, they might start arguing so I’ll just move Fred to the side to save any awkwardness”.

And she wouldn’t have thought you were rude for walking with the other mums. She was busy. She’s a grown adult and can catch up with the rest of you when she’s ready. She may have thought “Oh shit they’ve all gone for coffee, I need to finish what I’m doing then go and join them”.

Honestly, none of these events are big deals. We always make things seem 100 times worse in our heads.

I don’t want to seem like one of those armchair psychologists but do you think there is a possibility you could have ADHD/Autism? A lot of women who are neurodiverse get diagnosed with anxiety but really their behaviours and thought processes are because they have undiagnosed ADHD/Autism.

Dont get botox. I think you should seek some help for your rumination and OCD tendency to obsess over and microscopically analyse your social interactions.

Even your title is very dramatic - "people hate me". Hate is such a strong emotive word- noone is going to "hate you" for the things you mentioned in your OP. They might feel a bit awkward being around you and choose to pursue friendships with others but that is very far away from "hating you" for it.

You dont need to "work through" your anxiety. You need to be more comfortable with uncertainty and to stop seeking reassurance that people dont hate you. ERP techniques would help you.

Truth is, most people think about us far less than we assume. As a teen, I was convinced people didn’t like me. Looking back, I realise most of them never thought about me at all. Most people are focussed on themselves and their own worries.

I wouldn't have liked the negativity towards your DS tbh. They are about to start a new class, it isn't a great way to set him up for the day.

I agree with this.

There is a dad at swimming who is superficially nice and smiley but there is a kind of undercurrent, hard to describe but an underlying tension.

A few weeks back I heard him tell his son who'd be about 8 to "shut up".

The dad smiles at me but I honestly just make minimal contact back and hustle my kids away. I don't want me or my kids around someone like that.

Have you considered talking to your GP? Your anxiety sounds like it's running your life and your son's. If talking therapies don't work would you consider medication?

Highly likely ND traits and rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

I have it and work really hard to mask on the school run.

OP it's unlikely someone would hate you after such a small interaction. Someone once told me that people think about themselves 90% of the time which is key to remember. Just as you are worrying about your own behaviour the other person is not likely to be dwelling on this as much as you are.

Maybe just give an airy apology next time you see her? 'Sorry if I came across a bit rude with the photos, first day back and this morning was a bit chaotic!'

🩷

Everyone has childhood trauma. Inability to communicate effectively does not stem from trauma. It's lack of practice and exposure. You don't have enough people in your life to correct you, so you learn how to speak to people, and you need this correction from people who aren't close to you so you can take it onboard objectively.

Do you work? Do you have colleagues? Do you mind your words with strangers?

All of these things suggest that you have selective dysfunctional communication.

It requires practice but can be overcome.

I asked his friend Fred if I could just get a pic of DS alone now. The mum yanked Fred and said let’s go here I want a picture here. I realised I might have sounded rude?

Yes, this is it. You specifically asked to take a photo of the two boys and then you dismissed Fred. Also you put your own son down in front of others. The mother was reacting to this and distracting her son to minimise him feeling used.

Also, I had to double check the ages. Many children your sons age would be embarrassed by your behaviour outside secondary school.

Anyway, nothing you can really do about it as you were unaware of how you came across.

Why did you walk off with the other mums, leaving your friend behind? You snubbed her on top of her son.

You sound completely ill at ease in yourself and are overthinking everything. You can be helped, get better therapy.

Yeah and on the first day of school when he’s going to be super nervous anyway!!
That’s not fair to your son OP. Cut him some slack - he’s maybe getting the moody face from seeing yours!

I imagine the Mum was quite shocked you were being rather harsh to your son on a special day and didn’t fancy being around that any more.